To want DSS to move out

[Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus]

I am really not dealing with this well, I am physically shaking.
DH and I have been living with each other for 10 years now. I have two DD's from previous relationship who live with us and our DD, he has 1DS from previous relationship (14) shared joint custody with his mum until he was 12 then he decided he wanted to move in with us permently. I get on really well with DSS, he gets on with all DD's (minus a few fallen outs here and there) but everything was just great up until this evening....


DH goes into DSS room to get him as he was meant to be taking him out for a boys night, thought DSS was just playing xbox. I hear DP shouting, turns out my eldest DD (15) was in his room, they were kissing.
I get DH to calm down, take a breather, then sit them down and talk about this calmly even though I am not calm, I am freaking out inside... This is what they say, they have been 'dating' for two months now, they are in love, they have not had sex. Yet.
We have separated them, told them we will discus this properly in the morning. When everyone has called down properly.

I have come on MN typing furiously on the keypad, I need advice, help, I am freaking out. I honestly don't know what to do, I am now on my 2nd glass of wine.

Ffs, they used to share baths together when they were little. In the past three years of all of us properly living together they have had little tiffs like brothers and sisters do, and have referred to each other as 'brother' and 'sister' And most importantly they are both underage!!!
Tomorrow I want to tell DSS he has to move back to his mums, DH agrees.

How do I deal with this? Can anyone please offer some advice, I need to calm down.

[trice]

What a terrible shock. I would want them to live separately. How to negotiate this without being unfair to anyone would be tricky. His dm will definitely need to be told.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

that's what i thought jean. as someone has already said, they know they're not brother and sister and they obviously don't feel as though they are.

[idkwwhattodo]

I would of freaked. The fact that they been brought up as siblings as the OP says and they have a sibling for me makes it wrong.

They may not be related by blood but they've been brought up as they have. I wouldn't condone it in my home.

That's my opinion though.

Good luck OP

[Annonynon]

I was going to post a long comment but I'll just stick to

What maryz said

I do feel sympathy for you though op, it must have been a hell of a shock. I hope you can come to a solution you're all happy with

Sp, I'm sorry but I have to say I don't agree with you that your brother and sister getting together would have been wrong. They sound like they were basically strangers with no blood connections so I honesty can't see the problem with it all

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

if they'd been brought up as though they were blood related, they'd probably feel like they were. something about their circumstances must have been different to those of regular siblings. I'm not saying i would be okay with this but as maryz says, it's not the disgusting behaviour some people want to make it out to be.

[BruthasTortoise]

They haven't only lived together from age 13 Maryz, they have been a family since they were small and the have shared a home since then. I find the idea that children who don't live in the home full time are somehow not members of the family bizarre.

[lunar1]

I think when you talk this through tomorrow, you need to look at living separately till your children are independent.

Dss should not be seen as the one to leave just because it's a quick fox. If they need to live separately, which I think they do then dss should still be able to live with his dad.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

surprised at your dh's reaction now, thinking on it. I'm not sure this would be enough for me to want to send my kid away. impossible to say though, having never been in the situation.

[BruthasTortoise]

If he was my 14 year old son I would have him moved out of the house before his feet would touch the ground. Either he's having a relationship with his 15 year old step-sibling who he has been raised with or depending on your perspective he's a 14 year old living with his 15 year old girlfriend. Either way, if I were his Mum I would have him moved.

[SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking]

annon because ones my brother and ones my sister! They were strangers, just as me and half sisters were.

Rather not have my brother and sister kissing. Why the fuck would I?

[BruthasTortoise]

It's not about it being his fault - it's about keeping his safe Maryz . Where exactly did I say it was his fault? If anything I think as the younger child he's less to "blame" for the situation that his DSSis. In fact I don't even think blame is an appropriate word here - it's about trying to stop two children making a mistake and by not facilitating them in doing so.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

i agree that it could be a mistake, as could any relationship and as someone has already pointed out, it could make things awkward if it went wrong. it's still not 'dirty' though.

[BuffyxSummers]

But they aren't in love are they? They're "in love". I don't know what I'd do in OPs situation but I would be upset to find out it had been going on two months in secret and I hadn't noticed.

[BruthasTortoise]

Absolutely Maryz a good talking to always works with hormoned up teenagers

[Electryone]

Bruthas but why him and not her?

[BrianTheMole]

you can still have an incestuous relationship if you were brought up with someone in a sibling capacity

Maybe so, but its extremely unlikely that any legal action would be taken in this situation.

[KeatsiePie]

OP, go back to Maryz's first post. The simple steps of advice in it are really, really good. I read your OP and thought oh hell, I don't know how one should handle this sort of problem, and then she solved it. I would follow her steps if I were you.

I really don't blame you for getting upset. The way you see them ("our kids, a brother and a sister") and the way they see each other ("person I'm attracted to whose parent is married to my parent") are miles apart. It must have been a shock to have the difference in your view and their view suddenly thrust into the open when you never knew they had a different view. But neither your view nor their view is wrong.

Good luck tomorrow.

[BruthasTortoise]

Because he's the one with another loving involve parent. If the girl had an involved father I would say the same about her.