To credit MN for the way I handled this rude woman at the shops?

[Primafacie]

... When I felt a bit hurt, humiliated and angry at her comments?

I had an encounter this morning which up till now I thought only ever happened on Mumsnet :)

I was food shopping (M&S, not that i think it's relevant but so I am not accused of dripfeeding) with my DCs (aged 2 and almost 5). I always park their scooters by the store entrance (on the inside), which itself leads to the inside of a shopping mall, and is guarded by a staff member. We (and the store) are in a very safe, family friendly area.

As I was heading for the tills, DD nearly 5 asked if she could wait for me by the scooters. I said yes, as she is very sensible, I was only going to be a few minutes, and in my own risk assessment, this is not a risky situation.

Two minutes later, I emerge from the queue with my shopping and DS in tow. A woman (I am guessing around 75, again not really relevant but don't want to DF) is talking to the security guard by the door, pointing to DD who is waiting by the scooters. She sees me and says 'is this your child?' Conversation then goes like this:

Me: 'Yes she is'.
Her: 'I really don't think it is advisable to leave your child here, anyone could have kidnapped her'.
Me: Rrright. Well, I disagree,and I think she is perfectly safe here.
Her: but you are wrong. Anyone could have taken her. This is really dangerous.
Me: Well, that's your view. I happen to think we live in a good society and I don't see abductors and paedos everywhere.
Her: but you are wrong, you see. She could have come to harm.
Me: so you have said, several times. Look, I disagree with you, and I am not interested in your views. I didn't ask for your opinion. When I was her age my mum used to send me to the shops on my own. Now please leave me and my kids alone.
Her: Happy new year.
Me: and happy new year to you. Now please can you stop following me?

All this without raising my voice, or stopping smiling :o

All the while she was trying to get the poor security guy roped in to tell me off - to his credit, he never opened his mouth.

Still feeling a bit offended, but meh - hardly the end of the world.

So, thanks MN. Can I get my shiny badge now?

Geckos you are wrong...... No one ever saw the little girl from Wales again.

I was talking about this sort of thing with my mother last night. It's amazing how within a generation the attitude towards risk and independence has changed so drastically. What gets me is that what tends to stop me using my judgement and acknowledging my dc's capabilities/fostering independence is not the risk associated with that, but the fear of judgement from other people. It's like general judginess has overridden my own ability to assess risk.

But anyway - the op wasn't asking for validation of her own judgements but for praise for dealing with interference from an outsider. I think she dealt with it pretty well. I don't think anyone (well maybe most people) would argue with the sentiment of a person checking and making sure the child had a parent nearby and wasn't lost. But to go on to repeatedly push their opinion that the situation was risky and wrong is rude IMO. And I think the op dealt with that rudeness well.

That was completely different Madam.

The child was in a shop, inside a shopping centre. I doubt there were many reversing cars just by the scooter parking area.

I'm with you OP - both with how you handled the scenario and how you're handling the pasting you're getting here. You made a decision about your child, and someone interfered to tell you that, basically, you were a bad parent. I'd have been pretty upset about that too. I admire the way you explained that you were comfortable with the decision you'd made. The lady may have been looking out for your child, but she was also unquestionably judging you and having a go at you - which is horrible. Well done for staying calm.

If child in your sight then YANBU. If not, then YABU.

I bet JB's mum wishes a concerned elderly shopper had intervened when he was enticed away from waiting for his mum to pay for her shopping in the mall!

There's plenty of time for a 4 year old to learn how to be independent.

YABU.

YANBU

I would let my almost 5 year old do the same. I know she won't walk off and the chances of her being taken are so remotely tiny that I would see it as a very acceptable risk.

Never would do this.

At five years old, my child is by my side whilst we are at a shopping centre. Period.

The old lady just voicing a concern and she was surely right... Your daughter could have come to harm.

And then she wishes you a happy new year.

Nah, I think your attempt at being strong minded or whatever you thought you were doing, was actually be a daft and rude.

Everyone who's saying the lady was just concerned about the child's safety: once she saw the child was safe, and the mother was nearby, that should have been that. But she then delivered a lecture about safety - that's the bit that would have annoyed me.

I like it, well done.

OP being able to say difficult things politely is a real skill. Well done. There are books and books on negotiating skills telling you how to do it. I am a lawyer and am ok at it in a work context but bloody awful at it in life in general!

I agree pooka, I firmly believe the attitude of this generation to risk is way off kilter and that affects child development.

I don't think you were rude OP, I think you were measured and polite. The lady should have stopped after the first part of your conversation, and certainly should not have followed you outside to insist she was right. She had made her point, she don't need to labour it.

In this sort of case I tend to do the passive aggressive "oh well, never mind" with a big grin, thereby dismissing them without actually saying anything. Sometimes it's easier.

My DD has a lot of freedom, much more than her friends do, and it shows. I wouldn't have had a problem in doing the same as you, but have friends that wouldn't leave their 10 year olds. I find it bemusing tbh.

I've never understood the MN concept that being judged or judging someone else is terrible. We all form opinions on things we see - this is normal.

I would far rather someone see a lone child and double check that they're ok, than do nothing for fear of being accused of being judgemental.

Although the old woman may have been a but forthright, she was still right.

I wouldn't be particularly worried about abductions (and definitely not zombies - I've watched Shaun of the Dead so have that covered) but would be worried about them wa

Oh I do love MN. It makes me laugh at times. Talk about the double standards at times. I think the OP has received an unnecessary flaming.

The OP wasn't asking for a comment about leaving her child.

She was asking for comment about how she handled a stranger commenting on her parenting.

How many times have we seen a similar here? Maybe a tired, fraught parent facing a negative comment for taking their child out without sock first example I could think of

There the response has been along the lines of " no you were right to tell the stranger to mind their own business". It's in the vein of your house, your rules. I expect the OP was expecting to be praised for her assertiveness whilst remaining polite.

So OP, no YANBU. You made a choice relating to your child. You didn't ask for the stranger's opinion. You handled it well.

The issue of whether or not leaving your DD alone is another issue and doesn't need commenting on.

Laughable?

I take more risks with them when I cross the street or drive than I do when I leave one of mine out of eyesight for a few minutes. We aren't talking hours here, or even 10 minutes. It was 2 minutes.

We all know that children are more likely to be abducted by someone they know so yes, the risks are tiny that anything would happen in a couple of minutes.

Sure, if that isn't a risk you would take then fine, but it is hardly laughable to say the risks are very tiny. Like it or not, it is a tiny risk.

Can I say I think it's really unfair to bring up James Bulger.

He was a toddler supervised by two older boys: they WERE stopped, and the boys said he was their brother - why would anybody disbelieve that? My nan's friend saw them: she was on a bus and couldn't have done anything but felt TERRIBLE.

Honestly, I know the point being made but you wouldn't see someone with a toddler and assume they were going to torture and murder them - I don't think even the boys knew at that point.

Damn phone - I would be worried about them wandering off into the road. I don’t see that as helicopter parenting.

I m with the old woman on this one. I probably would have done the same thing because I get upset and stupidly het up over stuff like this- I live in a really low crime area but if never leave my 4 year old out of sight in public.