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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To credit MN for the way I handled this rude woman at the shops?

612 replies

Primafacie · 02/01/2014 14:49

... When I felt a bit hurt, humiliated and angry at her comments?

I had an encounter this morning which up till now I thought only ever happened on Mumsnet :)

I was food shopping (M&S, not that i think it's relevant but so I am not accused of dripfeeding) with my DCs (aged 2 and almost 5). I always park their scooters by the store entrance (on the inside), which itself leads to the inside of a shopping mall, and is guarded by a staff member. We (and the store) are in a very safe, family friendly area.

As I was heading for the tills, DD nearly 5 asked if she could wait for me by the scooters. I said yes, as she is very sensible, I was only going to be a few minutes, and in my own risk assessment, this is not a risky situation.

Two minutes later, I emerge from the queue with my shopping and DS in tow. A woman (I am guessing around 75, again not really relevant but don't want to DF) is talking to the security guard by the door, pointing to DD who is waiting by the scooters. She sees me and says 'is this your child?' Conversation then goes like this:

Me: 'Yes she is'.
Her: 'I really don't think it is advisable to leave your child here, anyone could have kidnapped her'.
Me: Rrright. Well, I disagree,and I think she is perfectly safe here.
Her: but you are wrong. Anyone could have taken her. This is really dangerous.
Me: Well, that's your view. I happen to think we live in a good society and I don't see abductors and paedos everywhere.
Her: but you are wrong, you see. She could have come to harm.
Me: so you have said, several times. Look, I disagree with you, and I am not interested in your views. I didn't ask for your opinion. When I was her age my mum used to send me to the shops on my own. Now please leave me and my kids alone.
Her: Happy new year.
Me: and happy new year to you. Now please can you stop following me?

All this without raising my voice, or stopping smiling :o

All the while she was trying to get the poor security guy roped in to tell me off - to his credit, he never opened his mouth.

Still feeling a bit offended, but meh - hardly the end of the world.

So, thanks MN. Can I get my shiny badge now?

OP posts:
MythosLivetheDream · 02/01/2014 23:20

YABU. Why do we need to know her age? "a woman" would have been just fine. And maybe she was following you as she needed to go in the same direction as you, OP?

MarmaladeBatkins · 02/01/2014 23:23

How was the mushroom sauce, OP?

gotthemoononastick · 02/01/2014 23:31

Have a badge and a mumsnet star for making another human being feel horrible.
I am old and this could have happened to me as I too am quite anxious for children. It would have taken a long time to get over the unkindness of your attitude.
May have been her only contact with someone that day.

coco44 · 02/01/2014 23:35

There's a time and a place to encourage independence and a for a 4 year old child a busy shopping mall isn't it.

AnneTwacky · 02/01/2014 23:37

I'm afraid I agree with the woman.

It only takes a second for something to happen to your daughter and no matter how sensible she is at 5 she's too young to be left alone for a couple of minutes. It's not just about kidnapping, she could easily be distracted by something at that age and got lost or you could have ended up queuing for ages and she panics and starts to look for you.

Also the security guard is not a creche. Just because you leave your young child by him does not give him responsibility for her. He probably would keep an eye on her, because most people would, but I bet he would be pissed off at you for putting him in that position. I'm guessing the woman felt this way and that's why she felt she had to say something to you. You may not have asked them to look after her but reading your posts it seems you were relying on them to do so.

It may be your decision, but as it affected others, albeit indirectly, you should expect someone to say something.

inadreamworld · 02/01/2014 23:37

I agree with her! I would never leave a 5 year old in that situation.

Original poster
Primafacie · 02/01/2014 23:38

Mythos, did she also need to hector me while shaking her head and telling me to 'go home', which, because of my accent, could mean one of two things? Because that's what she did. Besides after I asked her to stop she eventually turned around, which suggests she was just following me.

Marmalade, I haven't tried it yet. I will report - I remember your threads, you know a thing or two about food :)

OP posts:
Mrsthreads140906 · 02/01/2014 23:39

Sorry but YABU.

My daughter is nearly 5 and I would never let her leave my side wherever we are and if we are out she always knows to hold my hand. Infact my FIL was very impressed with how sensible she is when walking her home from school before Christmas. Always held his hand and made sure she was always walking on the inside. You don't have to wrap them up in cotton wool or leave them on their own to teach them how to be sensible.

nennypops · 02/01/2014 23:39

I agree the risk of abduction was small, but it was there. And it wasn't the only risk. You really can't assume that a 4 year old won't wander off under any circumstances - e.g if she thought she saw a friend, or mistook someone else for her Mum, or wanted the loo, or felt sick, or was bumped into by someone, or was upset because she saw a fight, etc etc. Again, it's probably a small risk, but it's there. And you have to balance those risks against the very very minor inconvenience of telling dd that she would have to stay with you for the two minutes you thought it would take you to get through the till. Is it really worth it?

nennypops · 02/01/2014 23:42

Mythos, did she also need to hector me while shaking her head and telling me to 'go home'

Hmmm, interesting that you didn't see fit to mention this part of the conversation when you started the thread.

Original poster
Primafacie · 02/01/2014 23:43

Gotthemoon, I was not unkind at all, unless you mean that everyone who disagrees with you is unkind? If this was her only contact of the day, maybe she should have made an effort to make it a more positive interaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Primafacie · 02/01/2014 23:52

Mrs, how many hands have you got? Because with DS, a shopping basket and three more shopping bags, I'm afraid there is no way I could hold DD's hand unless I was an octopus . Thankfully she doesn't need it, she is very good.

Nenny, I left that out because I would rather give people the benefit of the doubt, and it would be unfair to infer the worst of the two meanings. But at the time, the thought did cross my mind and it was not pleasant.

OP posts:
inadreamworld · 02/01/2014 23:58

The lady sounds rude especially the 'go home' bit. However i still think not safe to leave a 5 year old in that situation.

echt · 03/01/2014 00:25

OP, in your OP you said you told the woman to stop following you. But you didn't say she WAS following you. You now ask us to assume that if you said not to follow you, she must have been. Hmm

Looking at what you said she said, I don't see hectoring, but a reiteration of her point of view.

And now she's shaking her head and telling you to "go home". I'm guessing you're implying a possibly racist motivation on the part of the woman because of your accent.

In your OP you said you didn't want to drip feed, but that's exactly what you have done.

SmileItsANewYear · 03/01/2014 01:15

Going in to a lot of detail to avoid drip feeding and continue to do so...

I think you were unfair and irresponsible. You are responsible for your child's safety, not a security guard.

Boaty · 03/01/2014 09:22

It was your judgement call, if anything did happen you have to live with that decision.

lemonforyourlime · 03/01/2014 09:46

Its all about your perception of risk and fear which unfortunately is totally screwed up in this country.

The bottom line is its up to you to what you let your child do and once told it was none of her business this woman should have butted out.

My daughter at five would go around a supermarket on her own collecting things for me while we shopped , at six she changes on her own in the swimming pool changing room.

I occasionally get cats bum faces at me - however I have measured the risk and its my business.

I dont feel the need to walk up to strangers with overweight children, children glued to electronic stuff or children standing with people who smoke and berate them. These are real risks, but none of my business .

YouStayClassySanDiego · 03/01/2014 09:49

step parents (especially dads) are also very high risks for abuse/abduction

Where did you get this from, link please.

inadreamworld · 03/01/2014 09:50

Abduction by a sicko is surely just a little bit worse than the risk of being overweight, passive smoking or being a gadget addict lemon.

Maybe the woman was rude/racist whatever or maybe she wasn't. Doesn't change my view that what OP did with her 5 year old was irresponsible and potentially dangerous.

Geckos48 · 03/01/2014 09:58

We discussed the perpetrators of abuse and abduction on my course. The stats we looked at were from the NSPCC.

Sorry I don't have a link for you but I suppose that's what happens when you study something in a university rather than just googling everything!

I am sure you could google it and come to your own conclusions :)

YouStayClassySanDiego · 03/01/2014 10:06

Geckos No don't think I'll bother, I'd prefer not to write such a statement without a link to prove the findings Smile

lemonforyourlime · 03/01/2014 10:11

inadreamworld - really ?
allowing your child to be overweight or smoking around them are very real health risks. Ones they can die from.
Why is one death better than another ?
We are talking here about the point a stranger should step in when they think its their business.
If people think its their business a five year old is standing alone outside a supermarket then they should be stopping and berating parents who have fat kids, parents who smoke near kids , people who talk on phones or text while they drive with kids in the car, the list is endless really.....

Geckos48 · 03/01/2014 10:13

That's okay, I couldn't care less if you agree with me or not :). I am certainly not going to traipse through the internet because you can't quite be bothered.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 03/01/2014 10:16

Smile that's fine love, thanks for the thought.

JohnnyBarthes · 03/01/2014 10:28

We all know (at least I thought we did) that statistically speaking, children are at greater risk of coming to harm at the hands of their family, mother's partners and so on than they are at the hands of a stranger.

That doesn't mean that most children are safer being left unattended in a shopping centre than they are in their own homes!