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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

333 replies

Droves · 01/01/2014 17:18

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni . Sad

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

OP posts:
TeeManyMartoonis · 01/01/2014 19:07

Being in your daughter's position several years ago, I am going to say YABU.

She is young - maybe they do have something between them but she is not ready to settle down. Wouldn't you rather her make that decision now rather than after they are married, or have children? Why would you want her to stay in a relationship that she, for whatever reason, no longer wants to be in?

I left a 'lovely boy' when I was 19. I was then heartbroken, wanted him back - he wasn't interested. Thanks goodness - because actually, he wasn't right for me at all. I have now been married for 4 years to the perfect man for me.

HTH.

wontletmesignin · 01/01/2014 19:07

It seems like you are the one who has been dumped.
Like your daughter has taken him away from you and so you are hurting and putting your frustrations down to her being manipulative.

Could you have became emotionally attached to him,do you think?

alemci · 01/01/2014 19:09

very difficult Droves. I wish someone would write a book about it. I am disappointed with my own edd as her last bf was 2 years ago. I wish she'd meet someone else. I was so upset at the time that I quit the social circle which brought me into contact with his dps and him.

a relatives dd is the same age as my dd is engaged and expecting and in some ways I wish it was my own dd even though she is doing really well at uni and should have a good career.

I'm not like this with yd.

I learnt to keep my mouth shut but it has caused me real heartache.

I think it's to do with not being able to control situation

Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:11

Manipulation .... She was saying she wanted to split , when clearly she didn't , as a ploy to get him to do whatever she wanted ( take her out clubbing ) . She was expecting tears and pleads and doing whatever she wanted so she wouldn't end it .

Horrible behaviour .

I'm sorry she's resorted to that ... Why she chose too ? Gawd knows . But know hopefully she will have learned never to try that again .

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 01/01/2014 19:12

Look you've got to let her get on with it. The whole situation sounds very stifling - he was round at your house every day, I may have read this wrong but I got the impression you knew his family?.

I didn't want to spend anytime with my Mum anywhere near the vicinity of my boyfriend at 19. I wanted to have a laugh, the odd drink & lots of sex, not be in my family & my boyfriends company.

Has she no friends to hang about with? God, why would you want to spend time with someone that bores you at 19?

wontletmesignin · 01/01/2014 19:13

You never know. With a little time and space, they may get back together.
It is a shame, but these things happen.

Try not to hold it against her though, and let it hopefully be a lesson learnt.

Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:14

Won'tlet ... Wtf ? Seriously WTAF ?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 01/01/2014 19:17

All those dreams you have OP sound like an advert for apple or sony. She will have fun, with future boyfriends and with her friends but you don't have to imagine it. You'll only be disappointed with reality.

Let her be herself, learn and grow up and support her. She may well gave fucked up. Your job now is not to say I told you so but to look after her.

Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:19

Yes we do know his family . They're all lovely kind people .

His oldest half brother is an old school friend of Dh . They have same dad .
Dd and her ex have known each other from 4 years old . It's a small town we live in.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 01/01/2014 19:20

On the surface, my DD's boyfriend seemed a nice lad. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. In fact, he doesn't do anything. There's more life in a tramps vest. He won't take her out anywhere and just makes excuses. On the occasions she's been ALLOWED to go out with her mates, he gives her the 3rd degree and gets her crying. There's nothing I can do about it though. She's 18.

FryOneFatManic · 01/01/2014 19:20

Droves You do sound like you might hold it against her. You seem to have far more sympathy for him, than her.

And a point to consider is that if she did resort to games to get him to take her out, then perhaps all has not been good in their relationship for a while.

You say your DD is normally a nice girl, so to resort to this sort of thing doesn't strike me as being the first thing she could have thought of, more like an attempt at getting a bit excitement borne from desperation. Perhaps he is too boring for her right now.

TeeManyMartoonis · 01/01/2014 19:21

This is far too much weight on far too young shoulders.

If it is a mistake, let her make it. Goodness.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2014 19:21

I'm starting to think that the boyfriend has had a lucky escape, from both the daughter and the future MIL from "All the future grandchildren" hell.

Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:23

I thought our jobs as parents were to teach our kids how to become nice adults , who treat each other kindly .

That's what I'm trying to do .

If relationships end , there is ways of doing it shitty or ways or doing it with respect to the other person . Being kind , not threatening to dump someone so they jump through hoops for you .

OP posts:
Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:25

Lol chipped ... I'm not entirely sure your meaning to come across as very very funny . But your a born comedian Hmm

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 01/01/2014 19:28

You seem to be intent on teaching your DD a lesson right now, when she's most upset. There's a time for that, later on when her emotions have settled somewhat.

Yes, perhaps she's not dumped him in the best way, but is it really so urgent a lesson that you ahve to talk to her about it, right now ?

Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:29

Fry ... I don't know what's up with dd .

If I ask , it looks like I'm interfering .

Its almost like how her dad (exh ) , used to act with me .
No wonder I'm annoyed at her , and feel sorry for him . ( I know how it feels FFs ) .

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2014 19:29

Rather be a born comedian, than someone who calls their daughter an idiot and vile, whilst moaning that all of her dreams had gone.

As I said, I think the boyfriend has had a lucky escape.

Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:31

I'm hoping she's taught herself a lesson . Time will tell .

There's nothing I can do , but worry about her .

OP posts:
Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:31

Chipped ...feck off
Thanks

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 01/01/2014 19:31

Then don't ask, not now. Just some unconditional support and listen to her when she wants to speak. Don't assume she means something else when she's talking. Listen to what she actually says, you may be surprised.

LucilleBluth · 01/01/2014 19:32

Wait a second, if this was about the OPs son treating a girl this way MN would be all over it, yet because it's a DD she's just 'experimenting' and it's ok to be a twat because 'may be boring'. I've really have heard it all on here now.

Original poster
Droves · 01/01/2014 19:32

She didn't really want to dump him ...

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 01/01/2014 19:33

You've given her the skills, she's ended a relationship that she wasn't happy with, in a way that you aren't happy with. To be very honest, I can think of nothing worse than my Mum being that close to my relationships but that's just me.

I think the "closeness" of the two families, them knowing each other for years has maybe clouded the issue for you. Your daughter wasn't happy in a relationship, she ended it face to face (the attention seeking jumping through hoops is par for the course). Whether or not she'll regret it, time might tell but she's 19 - just let it go.

I met my husband at 17, we've been together for 22 years now, we were very dramatic at 19 Blush , but my Mum just never took it under her nose, however I never found him boring.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2014 19:33

Maybe you should take your own advice OP and try letting youryour "vile", "idiot" daughter live her own life and deal with her own relationships.