Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

[Droves]

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni .

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

I assume nothing ... That's all she's said .. She didn't mean to dump him , she was wanting a reaction

Op...just because a man is not a dickhead and doesn't hit you, does not mean you need to stay with him forever.

That's the minimum to expect.

Lucille - to be fair, the girl is young and she has not cheated on him. Apart from acting immaturely she hasn't done anything wrong. Yes if the boot was on the other foot we would probably tell a girl to dump a boy that acted like that - but we would also say that she had a lucky escape if he dumped her.

I really hope that made sense.

Nope Lucille if the OP was talking about her son I'd also tell her to step back.

My MIL acted like this about an ex GF of my DH. We couldn't go back to his house together as the ex would always be there chatting to MIL; MIL was attempting to reunite them. Didn't work and we are married with DSs who MIL rarely sees. Why? Because I have no relationship with her at all as a result of the early meddling and DH undertakes only the odd duty visit. Let your DD live her own life and choose her own partners. It could end up dong more harm to your 'dreams of grandchildren' if you push her away with interfering, like my MIL.

Chipped ,,again, feck off . Just because I said she was acting vile and has been an idiot for acting the way she did , does not mean I think she IS vile , or an idiot .

I'm trying to get some insight from people who have teenage / early 20s daughters and learn how to help her FFs ... Thanks to everyone who has helped

At the moment, you don't need to do anything other than support your daughter. Whether of not she meant to break up with her bf, if is now fine and you all have to make the best of it - she can't go back and behave differently so she's kinder or anything and it probably wouldn't be the best thing anyway. It really isn't very kind to call your DD an idiot and compare her to your ex because you don't like her decision.

Fwiw, I went out with a lovely boy for 3 years and I broke up with him when we were 19. It was hard - I found it far more difficult than I'd expected and I missed him desperately. I was pretty unkind to him too do he wouldn't want me anymore. It was absolutely horrible. My mum supported me wholeheartedly and it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Just because people split up from their first bf, doesn't mean they'll never settle down. It is a valuable lesson in learning what you wang from a relationship and how to treat other people so don't tell her off and give her a hug!

Isn't this just a rite of passage though?

We rarely learn anything because someone has advised us. We only learn from experience and mistakes and subsequent soul searching and then we're a little bit wiser - and then we make a different mistake. Give her break. She's not being naughty, she's being normal.

she sounds like me with my first proper boyfriend

She's an idiot.

Your words, not mine.

Dd should live her own life , and will , but she shouldn't act like a shit to people she supposedly cares about doing so .

Don't worry too much op, I was once your dd as well.

Not trying to show off but I clearly remember being that age, attractive and knowing that I could have my pick of any boy in the sixth form classroom if I wanted. Sadly I didn't always treat boys with respect and good manners and there is definately a feeling of power when you first start manipulating boyfriends just to see how far you can go. You kind of lose track of the fact that the boy has feelings that are just as valid as your own and you can get a bit up your own arse at times. Or a lot up your own arse!

It's not really down to being badly brought up, in my case it was leaving a girls sheltered private secondary and having boys within reach for the first time and not really knowing what to do about it and playing games just comes naturally and easily.

She will grow out of the manipulative phase and will become more empathic as time goes on. There's no need for any soul searching on your part, its just a phase and yes it will pass

There will be more lovely boys before she settles down , and some that are distinctly unlovely . Just stay in the background and be supportive of her choices and constant in your love.

Demand she returns the Xmas presents!!!

If - if - she did just want to twist him round her little finger by threatening to break up, then yes that's crap behaviour. But in that case it's backfired on her spectacularly, hasn't it? She'll know not to do that again. And are you really sure that's what she was trying to do, OP? It's totally normal to feel upset after a break-up even when you're the person who ended things.

All kinds of people are daft about romantic relationships. At 19 almost everyone is. I got my heart broken at exactly that age by a lad who secretly panicked when I said I loved him, thought I wanted to get married and have babies immediately. He set up this really weird, bordering-on-creepy situation to see whether I truly trusted him, decided I didn't and chucked me without explaining what was wrong. He was an idiot, I was desperately upset, and now we are both over the whole thing and in happy marriages to lovely people. We're OK now because we each learnt, through trial and error, how to behave in relationships, how to figure out what we really want and communicate - and also how to recognise when things aren't working.

In adulthood, mistakes are the way we learn. Stopping an adult child from making mistakes is not teaching them.

One tired , that's reassuring , thank you x

OP - AIBU?
MN - YES!
OP - fuck off!

Of course she'll act like a shit sometimes - everyone does, particularly when ending a relationship but she will hopefully realise some better methods of dealing with relationships in the future.

Candy . [confused ]

Has she just come home from her first term at university? She may well have had her eyes opened to a bigger and more exciting world and outgrown him. Yes she may not have ended things the best way but it still doesn't mean you should try to teach her a lesson. That can come later when she's not sobbing in her room.

Can't she just call him up and say sorry if she wants him back?

There's nothing you can or should do Droves. I hope you're not bombarding her over and over about it. My DW does this with our DD's and it doesn't achieve anything apart from driving a wedge.

Droves, a bit of background, please. Is your DD a student too? And if so, are she and the ex-BF at the same university or different ones?

You seem angry at people who are disagreeing with you.

"Its almost like how her dad (exh ) , used to act with me .
No wonder I'm annoyed at her , and feel sorry for him . ( I know how it feels FFs ) ."

You are projecting massively here. Your DD is not your ex.

Unless your ex was a perfectly normal 19yo girl with a slightly boring boyfriend who didn't want to go clubbing.

Droves I think what Candy is trying to point out is that you don't seem to want to listen to people here with valid points.

You are over invested in this, and you seem to want answers right now from your DD, when she's not in the right state to deal with it. She needs your unconditional support, not you being sanctimonious about it (which is, to me, how you are coming across).

I can see Chipping's points here too, you seem to be upset that your DD isn't making the choice that you want, and you called your DD an idiot.

FWIW, I met DP 27 years ago, when I was nearly 19 and he was 25. Much as I love and care for DP, I do have some regret that I didn't experiment with other people a bit more. He was, and is, my first and only partner, and in an ideal world I would have met him another 5-10 years down the line.

She's what, 19?, yet you want to map out her future now. It's not yours to map.

op, I take it your dd doesn't inherit her 'brattishness' from 'dickhead'?

Y'know, throwing her dummy out of the pram when things don't go her way?

C'Mon, op, cut her some slack