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AIBU?

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Original poster

Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

333 replies

Droves · 01/01/2014 17:18

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni . Sad

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/01/2014 01:06

OP another supportive poster here. I behaved like an arse when I was 19 and dumped a 'really nice' bloke. But he really wasn't right for me and I think I was too young for a serious relationship anyway. I ended up marrying another really nice bloke. Who I am still with 18 years later. So don't worry. She has been a brat but she'll grow up. Don't be too angry at her

SinisterBuggyMonth · 02/01/2014 01:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bergamont · 02/01/2014 01:33

Droves you could be my Mum writing this. I feel for you and know you have your daughter's best interests at heart. When I was 19 I tried to end things with a boy just like you describe. My mum was devastated ,told me how selfish I was. The perfect boy and me made up, had all the adventures you describe, dream wedding, great jobs, great kids, big family Christmases. And then I left him. It was hideous for everyone and still often is. Deep down, I know I should probably probably trusted my own instincts all those years ago. You could be confusing her immaturity with the fact that she just doesn't love him enough, even if neither of you realise this.

halfwildlingwoman · 02/01/2014 09:00

Every time my mum or dad said "Oh, he's a nice boy.", it put me right off them. Grin I love my parents dearly and when I introduced them to DP at the age of 24 I was very happy that they liked him so much. But between the ages of 15 and 23 I wanted something very different and I most certainly did not want to be shagging someone my parents 'approved' of. And the idea of my long-haired boyfriend when I was 19 staying with my family over the Christmas holidays makes me feel slightly sick even now. When we were at uni we spent all our time smoking dope in bed and experimenting with positions and there is NO WAY I could have done that in my parent's house.
She needs time and space to turn into an adult her own way.

BeckAndCall · 02/01/2014 09:11

Strikes me that this whole thread is a massive over reaction - the DD finished with her BF at 5 pm yesterday - he stormed off, she cried.

Not yet 24 hours has passed. I'd lay 2:1 odds they are back together back the weekend.

If not, it's way too early to even need any advice on how to deal with her/ get over the lack of future 10 years down the road grandchildren / hope she's learned a lesson.

LiberalLibertine · 02/01/2014 09:12

Agree that you should back off and let her life her own life.

It really doesn't matter how 'perfect' you think he was, she wasn't into him, simple.

As for her behaviour, she's young, she'll learn, don't alienate her over this.

LessMissAbs · 02/01/2014 09:22

Droves I'm actually really shocked at the language you use to describe your daughter's choices and the fact you live in world where you think its a good idea to stay with your first boyfriend in your home town all your life and miss out on all those nice young students she might meet at university who might suit her far better!

Why on earth would you think being tied down at 19 to her childhood boyfriend is a way of establishing a successful marriage? The odds of that must be tiny.

You need to back off and encourage your daughter to be independent. You need to be non-judgemental about her relationship choices. Isn't this about you wanting to control her life more than what might actually be good for her? Do you want her to be tied down at the age of 19?! Seriously?

MinesAPintOfTea · 02/01/2014 09:29

How is it bratty behaviour? If a child is making an age-appropriate choice about their own life then it is the responsibility of the parents to support that. Be that preferring cars to duplo age 2, consistently saying they want to stop horse riding age 8, choosing their own friends at any age and by 19 making any choice they like as long as it is legal with the proviso that you can call them on poor treatment of others, especially you.

But she has treated her bf mildly badly and made the decision that staying with him is not what she wants from life. Possibly because he brings out the worst in her and she can see it. You just have to make your peace with these decisions I'm afraid.

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 09:41

Ffs .... is it not clear ?

Dd didnt want to dump him , she was playing games .

Yes I did mention that hes safe , nice lad ...its preferable to her seeing the local drug dealer .
Yes our families know each other and get on well , its better than hating each other and dd being caught up that .
Yes I would like grandchildren ...eventually . I did not say now ...or when shes finished uni . I ment much much later , 15 / 20 years .
As for me planning out her life ....this is all what she previously said she would like to happen . I want for her what she wants for her .
I have not mentioned anything about what I think about this to her except that she shouldnt try to manipulate people into doing what she wants , she should talk to them properly instead . If she was unhappy with her (ex) boyfriend , then of course she should break up , but she really wasnt . She talks to me , mostly I just listen , very occasionally I try and give her a gentle reminder that other people have feelings and you need to be mindfull not to hurt them unnessesarly .
No I dont take money from her for digs and council tax , shes here for the holidays and lives in her own uni flat in a nearby city .

OP posts:
Prettykitty111 · 02/01/2014 09:45

Haven't read the whole 11 pages of this sorry but I just wanted to tell you my experience. I did exactely the same thing as your daughter at 20. I was with my ex for 5 years and yes on paper he was perfect. At the time my mum was furious with with me (and let me know in pretty much the same terms you have used above) both our parents were talking about marriage and children happening as soon as I graduated. My mum actually went round and comforted him (and held a meeting with his mum to get us back together!) but you know what? I'm 30 now I'm made some awful mistakes in the last 10 years BUT I do not regret what I did. We would not have been right together, we wanted different things and i out grew him and although I am still friendly with him and his family now everyone, even him, says I made the right decision they just couldn't see it at the time.
Leave her be its her life not yours and you don't know how she is feeling. My ex too was boring and safe but that meant our sex life was "boring and safe", our nights out were "boring and safe" etc. in the last 10 years I have travelled and had so many new experiences I would never have had with him.

Prettykitty111 · 02/01/2014 09:47

Sorry droves xpost. I think if she is playing games then maybe he is not right for her anyway or she is still too immature to be in a serious relationship and just wants to go out and have fun. Grown ups don't play games like that especially when there is so much at stake!

RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 09:49

Are we still playing Bingo, here?

If not ....
All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ... gone
Really, OP?
It may be time to realise that your DD should not be basing her life choices on your dreams.

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 09:54

I get what your saying , I do .

. But dd has been crying for hours , saying that she loves him , that she has ruined everything and has been trying to get in touch with the ex .

Not exactly someone who wants to run for freedom .

If she actually wanted to split from him then I wouldnt have thought she was being bratish and it wouldnt be manipulting . Id have taken her out shopping to take her mind off it .

OP posts:
Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 09:58

I agree she needs to grow up a little .

Mabey this will be a good thing in the long run , if she has learned not to play games .

The way I see it , you either want someone or you dont . There shouldnt be any messing about with peoples heads .

OP posts:
RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 09:58

In your shoes .... I would be pointing out a bit about actions and consequences.
And then taking a long step back, to observe the emotional shenanigans of the young from a comfortable arm chair!

And because Mums are always Mums.... I would probably offer Brew &Cake at 3o/c if she is still in juvenile wailing mode.

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 10:03

Red , please read the whole thread . The opening post is a bit meh ( and I wrote it )

Everyone jumps on the way in the distant future grandchildren , not the main point , what do you do with a dd who thought it ok to try and manipulate her bf , only for it to backfire ?

OP posts:
RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 10:05

You point out a bit about actions and consequences and then let her stew in the mess she has made of the relationship.
That is the way they learn

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 10:05

Im typing so slow ... its making the thread flow off .

OP posts:
SilverApples · 02/01/2014 10:07

You tell her that people aren't puppets, and if you love someone you don't intentionally distress them. You said yourself that she plays mindgames, well sometimes it bites you in the arse.
What do you do?
Let her learn from the experience and move on.

Beeyump · 02/01/2014 10:09

What she did really wasn't that BAD. Come on.

SilverApples · 02/01/2014 10:10

x-post, Redacted.
She'll be back to uni soon, with a different mindset and more freedom, surrounded by people that aren't part of a routine mindset.
What does her ex do? Uni? Job? I hope he moves on as well.
I was in a similar relationship at a slightly younger age. I left because I didn't like the bossy, manipulative,bullying person I was becoming. It was bad for me as well as him.

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 10:11

Red ive done that .... and got told on here im narassistic , over invested in her life , more attached to her ex , oh and yes ...unhappy with my own life so living through hers , and that im not listening to advice ... I did read most of it , but only a few posts including yours make sense to me .

I think I need to work on constructing ops a little .

But it is aibu , so I should expect that

OP posts:
RenterNomad · 02/01/2014 10:13

Nice to hear your more measured tone now, Droves. Sorry you're now not getting your rant, as others are having theirs! Grin

Hope she gets over being dumped!
Cake

Only1scoop · 02/01/2014 10:15

Please just let her get on with it. Go shopping as you said or ....cheer her/yourself up. Let her carry on making her own mistakes....brattish....manipulative or whatever they may be. Maybe they will get back together, maybe not. She's really young. We do test relationships/boundaries etc all part of growing up. I was with Someone 'boring' from 16-19....dumped him for Mr exciting and had the time of my life. She won't thank you in the long run if you harp on about this.

fedup21 · 02/01/2014 10:16

I may have missed half the post as I haven't read all 11 pages, but... Dd has dumped boyfriend after a row, he didn't want to split up and she massively regrets it but can't get in contact with him.

Might they get back together when she does get to speak to him?