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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

333 replies

Droves · 01/01/2014 17:18

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni . Sad

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

OP posts:
Sesquipedality · 01/01/2014 22:54

Ever heard of narcissistic mothers OP?

alemci · 01/01/2014 22:58

it always seems to happen at this time of year in my limited experience I am sure OP knows that you are giving great advice, it isn't about her but it hurts and it brings your past that you hadn't thought about for say 25 years and your own hurts which you have burried.

when you are young you can start a new life but when you have a family you have to be unselfish and you spend years putting others first and neglecting your own needs.

I think having pretty daughters who are blossoming when you are not getting any younger is hard. you may be in a rut with your own relationship and your dds bf is a bit of excitement in your life and something new? you can play matriarch.

I remember a poem in the GCSE anthology called "Old Mother" which is so poignant.

Elderflowergranita · 01/01/2014 22:58

And honestly, if I'd had a boyfriend who was saving to buy me an engagement ring the moment I finished uni, I'd have run a mile.

You seem to have ignored 99% of the posts telling you that yabu, and picked up on the lone dubious support form ocelot.

Elderflowergranita · 01/01/2014 23:01

Yes fine almeci, but I don't think Op is acknowledging that any of this is about her unreasonable reaction to something which is ultimately not her affair.

SauceForTheGander · 01/01/2014 23:04

Of course you don't treat a 19 experience the same as a toddler tantrum. Let her learn! Can't you remember being 19? It all sounds so normal!

I caught my DM gossiping and bitching about me post a break up.

It caused long term damage.

Worried3 · 01/01/2014 23:05

OP- your DD may have behaved badly. She will learn from it- as we all do from our mistakes. She is only 19, so give her a break.

If she is trying to play games with him (splitting up with him so he would beg her to get back with him/do whatever she wants)- then while I would agree with you it's not nice- have you stopped to consider why she has done this? Especially as you say she's usually a nice girl, and you're surprised as this behaviour is not what you've come to expect.

It could be she's vey insecure and trying to see how far she can push him/just how much he cares- if so, you're right she's going to learn the hard way that this pushes people away. Of course, she could just be pushing the boundaries of their relationship/her influence- again, she's going to learn the hard way (by losing someone she didn't want to, if you are correct). I hope for her sake it is the latter, as she is less likely to repeat the pattern of behaviour. If it's the former, she might repeat it in subsequent relationships as she still feels insecure.

I still think you're sticking your nose in where you'd be better to leave well alone- if you truly are as upset/annoyed as you seem on here, I'd be surprised if she hasn't picked up on it (unless you're a good actress).

alemci · 01/01/2014 23:09

perhaps OP will learn from this. life is so difficult sometimes and disappointing and not being in control.

Darkesteyes · 01/01/2014 23:14

Why are you not allowed to call your child's ( even teen/adult child) on bratty behaviour on here

OP i take it if yr 19 yr old DD has to do as you say and be treated like a child does that also include not paying anything for her board or any council tax yes? Or are you one of those parents who likes her late teen child to be an adult when it suits you and then a child when it suits you!

QueenofLouisiana · 01/01/2014 23:16

I'm sure that my parents felt the same way when I split up with my ex-boyfriend after 5 years. He was everything a mother could wish for, it was expected that we would get married...... However, I knew it wasn't right: I was unhappy, we had different expectations, priorities etc and I was still only 21.
I met my DH within a few months and got engaged after 3 months- we are currently planning a week away for our 15th wedding anniversary.
I knew that the first relationship would not work out well, I have never doubted DH. My DM kept out of it, just passed the tissues when I sobbed over XBF and reminded me that I owed it to him to be fair and polite when we met(he is Friends with other family members). No matter how hard it might have been for her, I think this was a good course of action.

Darkesteyes · 01/01/2014 23:27

Op when i was 18 and dating my first serious boyfriend my mum told him not to bother doing his own washing and to bring it over so "we" could do it for him He never took up my mums dubious offer but if he had she would have been doing his washing not me.
When we spilt (he dumped me thank fuck,especially after what i found out about him later habitual porn using mysogynist,loads of debt) my mum sat on my bed next to me in tears yes SOBBING HER HEART OUT. because in my mums eyes a woman is NOTHING without a man.
She didnt used to like me going on nights out with friends though Didnt like the idea of me going to a club. Old enough to be pushed into doing some blokes fucking washing old enough to pay board and (poll tax as it was then) but not old enough to go out on a night out. So i could basically have all the shit bits and none of the fun.
IMO this is emotionally abusive.
And OP i see worrying signs of it in your posts!

Elderflowergranita · 01/01/2014 23:36

Many posters here seem to have experienced the wrath of a disappointed mother when a relationship failed.

Your post certainly struck a chord with me. Please listen to the over-whelming majority of posters telling you that you seriously need to reflect on your reaction to your Dd's split with her boyfriend.

She's 19. She's not you. Allow her to live her own life and make her own mistakes. Who on earth meets their partner for life at 19? it's 2014, not 1954!

rumbleinthrjungle · 01/01/2014 23:47

It sounds like you feel responsible for her actions and what you're seeing as bad behaviour, as if that's your failing and your job to fix in her. You're not going to be able to steer her straight to a happy ending based on your own experience, although I can understand the temptation.

I know what you mean when you say 'adult child', but in the light of your op it's a bit of a telling way to be thinking of her.

Bodypopper · 01/01/2014 23:47

I met my dh at 18 and married young, had my first 2 kids young and we have had a wonderful 25 years marriage and 4 kids.

However I don't want any if my dss or dds to settle so young.

She's 19!!! You should he runn

Bodypopper · 01/01/2014 23:48

Running away from thoughts of grand children. Let her live her life but airways be there as a sounding board and support.

ApocalypseThen · 01/01/2014 23:51

Anyway, it strikes me that you're not modelling the behaviour you seem to expect, OP. Your descriptions of your daughter are borderline abusive and you lash out if people disagree with you.

It's odd that you expect perfection from her when the way you talk about her is so very disrespectful. Where was she learning how to treat others?

nouvellevag · 01/01/2014 23:54

OP, when it comes to your adult offspring's behaviour within their own relationship, it's not a question of you "letting" them do it. It's not up to you. You can voice your opinion of how she handled it, although as some posters have already said, maybe you should sit on it for a couple of weeks until things are less raw because I doubt she'll be able to take it in right now. But your posts sound as if you still think you should have a say in how she runs her life. You don't, not in situations like this. Even if she's doing things that aren't very kind or mature. That is something that almost everyone goes through in one form or another before they get good at relationships. It's shit for everyone involved, and then it's over and they both learn from it. Relationships are hard and

You don't have to tell her she handled it well, but you don't really get to hold an opinion on whether she should have stayed with him or not. Of course you care what happens in her life, but you need to accept that you don't know where she's coming from with this behaviour, or what her relationship was like from the inside.

It's OK to come on here and have a moan, but it hasn't really been clear from many of your posts that that's all you're trying to do. Sometimes you're just venting, then you say you're trying to figure out how to help your DD, then you're worried about letting her do things and wanting to nip it in the bud before she goes on to be some kind of abuser. Lots of people make these kinds of mistakes. So if you raised her to be a good, kind person, trust that this was a mistake she can learn from.

FWIW, I also think that if someone said their toddler was being an idiot, vile, horrible and wondering where they'd gone wrong to make their child behave like that, they'd get told that while toddler behaviour can be hard to deal with, it's something most kids go through while they're learning to handle emotions and growing independence, and the main thing is to keep on loving them through it.

kilmuir · 01/01/2014 23:59

He has had a lucky escape

Whistleblower0 · 02/01/2014 00:06

You sound like something out of the dark ages op. i feel sorry for your dd.

ocelot41 · 02/01/2014 00:06

I think the main thing is there are lots of good men (and women) out there. She'll probably flumble around a bit, fall for a few, and it not work out for a good while yet. That's pretty normal. Maybe she didn't treat this particular guy well, or maybe it was just all too much too soon. Who knows?

I broke up with the guy who wanted to marry me at uni - altho he remains a dear friend and I think he's one of the loveliest men I know. Just not right for me. I married someone else -12 years later!

I think you've had quite a harsh reception here, but I also wonder about why your reaction to this has been as strong and emotional as it has been. What do YOU think that might be about? Is it just about how angry you feel at watching someone being mistreated? Because that is clearly what you think is going on. Or is there something else here too which is giving your feelings added intensity?

defineme · 02/01/2014 00:07

Honestly, at 19 and having started university, your description of his 'qualities' like safe, same friends, growing up together, family friends etc etc , would have made me run away screaming. It still does, despite having been with dh for 16 years, because we don't all find the same qualities appealing.
My brother had a girlfriend from 16-22 and the last 2 years were him being increasingly horrid to her because he couldn't work out how to do the terrible (but right) thing of breaking up with her and in effect her family, her friends, their shared history and so on.
It can be a huge pressure for young people to have partners that are so much part of their family's life. I'm not saying you shouldn't have welcomed him into your life, just saying it's difficult.
It's more normal to grow out of first love than for it to last forever. She may not have handled it well, but was there a nice way? Tears and regrets don't necessarily mean her impulse to end it was wrong.

ocelot41 · 02/01/2014 00:08

I think the main thing is there are lots of good men (and women) out there. She'll probably flumble around a bit, fall for a few, and it not work out for a good while yet. That's pretty normal. Maybe she didn't treat this particular guy well, or maybe it was just all too much too soon. Who knows?

I broke up with the guy who wanted to marry me at uni - altho he remains a dear friend and I think he's one of the loveliest men I know. Just not right for me. I married someone else -12 years later!

I think you've had quite a harsh reception here, but I also wonder about why your reaction to this has been as strong and emotional as it has been. What do YOU think that might be about? Is it just about how angry you feel at watching someone being mistreated? Because that is clearly what you think is going on. Or is there something else here too which is giving your feelings added intensity?

Whistleblower0 · 02/01/2014 00:10

As someone said upthread, you really do need to get a life of your own.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 02/01/2014 00:20

I think the village is too small.

SilverApples · 02/01/2014 00:25

If she wants to move on, that's fine. It can be a bit scary to burn your bridges.
if she didn't want to break up with him, she's learnt a valuable lesson. Treat someone like shit and play games, and if they have an iota of self-respect and backbone, they will walk away.
I wish the same perceptiveness on many of those that post in relationships.

Lemongrab · 02/01/2014 01:03

This is a joke right? Hmm

If my it was my dd, I'd just support her in her decision...