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AIBU?

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Original poster

Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

333 replies

Droves · 01/01/2014 17:18

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni . Sad

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 02/01/2014 10:21

I would tell her that actually, if he's happy to just walk away like that, then perhaps all she's done is bring forward the inevitable. It doesn't sound like he was all that upset or made much of a 'fight' to keep her. Now, it could be that's because he realised she was playing games and is going to let her stew for a few days then tell her he does want to get back together, or it could well be that he wasn't happy in the relationship, and while upset, isn't keen to stay with her so took the easy 'exit', even if given the chance, he wouldn't have picked this point to end it himself.

If it's the latter, then while it hurts now, long term, she's done herself a huge favour (albeit accidentally) by ending a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, but was meaning she was attached so not available to meet the man who might be the one she spends the rest of her life with (because nice blokes don't chat up someone who they know are in a relationship, no matter how much they like her).

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 10:22

Dds ex is at the local college . He doesnt work yet , hes a full time student . Dd is at uni in nearest city .

I honestly didnt like what I saw from dd last night .

My lovely girl , who I thought had turned out rather well , was acting horrid, manipulating (or trying to badly ) .

Its worse it was done infront of everyone at home .

Shes really upset now , im hoping shes at least a little ashamed of her behaviour last night .

Part of me is secretly pleased her ex stood up to the manipulation , and wasnt giving in to her nonsence . Hopefully shes learned not to do that again .But I hate to see her upset .Even if she did bring it on herself .

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 02/01/2014 10:24

oh but either way, either him givingher a taste of her own medicine or him realising he doesn't want to be with her, she should stop trying to contact him. If she's already sent texts, thats enough, stop contacting him now, let him decide what he wants to do in peace. If he wants to try to make a go of it, he'll call her. If he doesn't, then trying to beg him to come back will just result in embarrassment (begging a man to be with you is never a classy look).

livinginawinterwonderland · 02/01/2014 10:25

She's 19, OP. Were you perfect at 19?

I know I was horrid to my boyfriend at 19. A lot of it is learning boundaries, learning what you like/dislike in a relationship and a partner, and what you want out of your life. Your DD having a nasty moment doesn't make her a nasty person. Remember that.

kali110 · 02/01/2014 10:25

I feel bad for you op think you got a harsh response when you clearly aren't happy with her behaviour. Think maybe you were ott with some of your dreams though.
Maybe she now will learn that her actions have consequences and she cant get her own way. I used to do things for attentions. Iv grown up now op!
All you can do now is be there for her.
Maybe they will get back together. Maybe she will learn from this.

DontmindifIdo · 02/01/2014 10:25

oh and if she's in first year, most "long distance" relationships with people back at home seemed to end after the first Christmas holidays.

Joysmum · 02/01/2014 10:26

Droves I think you sound very similar to me (poor thing!)

I like to vent in writing too so that i can best deal with the situation in a calm and considered way.

I too would be very disappointed if my daughter wasn't behaving in a way that was thoughtful and considerate. I too would feel dreadfully sorry for whoever she was trying to manipulate. I too would hope that falling on her nose would teach her a life lesson.

You vent away and ignore the twunts on here who clearly think nobody can ever express emotion! It's not like you're doing so in real life, just to a bunch of strangers to keep your sanity.

glastocat · 02/01/2014 10:29

You are way over invested in this. Yes your daughter was a bit of a brat, but who wasn't at that age, and in your soap you don't as if you positively dislike here. This is all just young love drama, perhaps mr nice guy bored the tits off her? I have to say your list of his good qualities would have sent me screaming at that age! Let he make her own mistakes, it is the only way to learn after all.

Oh, and a few posters have said if the sexes were reversed posters would give different advice. There actually was a very similar thread a few days ago with the OP very upset as her son had dumped his gf in a fairly in pleasant manner. The advice given was much the same, back off, their love like is their business. Sure you can feel sad or concerned, but really, no one else knows what goes on in other peoples relationships so you shouldn't get involved or over invested.

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 10:30

I think she needs this space to sort her silly head out .

Mabey do her some good in the long run .
I think I will take drag her to the sales , might even treat her to a costas and chocolate muffin .

Thank you everyone for letting me vent on here , its saved me from saying too much to her . ( even if I still think it , )

OP posts:
glastocat · 02/01/2014 10:31

Soap? OP.

ApocalypseThen · 02/01/2014 10:36

Sure ask the youngfella out for coffee instead. He's available, apparently, and he can show you a respectful time.

BalloonSlayer · 02/01/2014 10:37

OP My DSis was very upset when her DD and her first long-term boyfriend broke up, although I think it was a mutual split and no one to blame. He was a lovely lad - although had an ishoo or two. I even teased DSis a bit, telling her there were "lots more sons in law in the sea." I felt a bit sad myself as he seemed to slot right into the family and I felt like I'd known him all my life the first time I met him. But hey . . .

FF a couple of years, DN stayed friends with the ex though they had other relationships. Then they got back together! Ishoos all gone. Now they have a house and baby!

Sometimes I think the reason Mums (and Aunties) get so fond of partners is because they know their DD better than anyone and they can see that they are right for their DD.

Hopefully your DD has learned a valuable life lesson - not to take anyone for granted and never to trade on an assumption that she has the upper hand in a relationship.

DIYapprentice · 02/01/2014 10:43

Oh for heaven's sakes. Would everyone get off their bloody high horses with the op? If my DSs acted like twats to future girlfriends I would call them up on their behaviour in a heartbeat. People need to stop imposing their OWN circumstances onto the op's. Read what is written and stop making up crap.

Well done op, your DD was behaving like a brat. Quite probably an isolated incident given that you've never seen that behaviour before. It's backfired on her, you haven't waded in with a pity party and have said that she can't treat people that way without consequences.

And then you came on here to vent. Well done!!!!!

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 10:43

Offs ! Just asked dd if she wants to hit the sales , and shes informed me Ex has txt her back , so is waiting to see if he wants to do anything .

Do I leave her to it or ask she comes out again ?

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 02/01/2014 10:47

Definitely leave her to it.

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 10:53

When does the drama stage pass ?

Incidentally that is what dd is studying .

Drama queen . Her ex ( I dont actally know if hes ex bf or just friend now ? ) gave her a mug with drama queen on it . He might just have her pegged .

I think I will go back to bed , someone wake me up when shes 30 .

OP posts:
ebwy · 02/01/2014 11:50

I'm sure she'll let you know if they get back together. Eventually!

To be honest, it does sound like she was acting like an idiot, so I'd tell her that while being sympathetic and supportive. And tell her to learn from it. There's no good time to break up, and the kindest way to split up is to do so honestly and nicely when you realise it's over. Playing games leads to days crying and people being hurt and she probably realises that now

It's understandable for her mum to go through a grieving process, after all this time he's part the family, which is what long term relationships tend to do, and now they have split he isn't family any more. And that hurts.

Prettykitty111 · 02/01/2014 11:53

Droves I'm Glad she sorting things out. Sounds like she's had a nasty shock and that is a valuable life lesson. For me the drama stage passed at about 21/22 funnily enough around the time I came back from Uni and realised everything my mum does for me. I finally started listening to her about relationships at about 27 when I split with the final arsehole and she didnt say I told you so (although she had every right to!) sounds like you are a great mum for being supportive and for coming on here instead of ranting at her which is what my mum did and trying to take her out and cheer her up. I would normally say take her out, have fun and let him see she's not going to wait around for him but in this case I think she has some serious making up to do.

Shoesme84 · 02/01/2014 12:12

Shocked by the responses to be honest, i'm glad to know though that it's going to be okay for my son in the future to try to emotionally blackmail women into doing things for him cos he's only 19.

She tried playnig stupid games and he didn't bite, good for him.

alemci · 02/01/2014 12:33

that's exactly it Ebay. When they become part of the family and they are round alot. also when the BF's parents take your dd on holiday abroad with them and they did seem happy for a time.

I know exactly how OP feels because I have been through it twice. TBH I felt more upset about my dd's break ups than my own when I was a teenager, young women.

It will always be the elephant in the room and I have really distanced myself from my dd. She is at uni and I don't visit her. I am glad when she is not here as I am not reminded of it etc.

Whistleblower0 · 02/01/2014 12:36

It is irrelevent whether your daughter behaved like a 'brat' or not. It is entirely up to her to behave as she wishes, and it is none of your business.
It's also fairly obvious that you are projecting your own issues about relationships on to your DD.

She sounds like she's got a bit of spirit to me. Good for herGrin
oh, and shoesme84 i'm sure your DS will survive in the big bad world of all those manipulative femalesWink

Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 12:41

Shoes ... its on aibu. You cant post on here and expect everybody to agree with you . You get the extreme opnions . If I was looking for suck ups id have joined netmums .
Mumsnet is brutally honest , sometimes thats the only thing to make you question yourself . But somewhere in the bunfights theres always the answer .. key is finding it in the mayhem .

You learn a lot about people here . Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 12:47

Whistle what issues am I projecting ? Back up your statement please , id like to find out more about these issues .

If its none of my business how my daughter behaves , have I just wasted a large portion of my life trying teach her not to shit on people , and generally learn right from wrong ?

Perhaps I should let the younger ones go feral to save myself making the same mistake .

OP posts:
Original poster
Droves · 02/01/2014 12:50

Please dont compain about feral little kids who take over your area and cause upset . Its not their parents fault , its just none oftheir business , and theyd be overinvolved if they teach them how to be not antisocial

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 02/01/2014 12:56

You didn't go wrong with her at all. She was bored, instead of look for excitement while still with him (cheating on him) she ended it.

I don't think you can all her an idiot for that, your treatment of her is harsh.

If she does take up with a 'dickhead' she will need you there by her side.