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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified for my friend?

301 replies

MissWinter01 · 01/01/2014 11:24

Her husband attacked me last night (bruised arms, possible making of a black eye).

Had to wake my daughter up and take her home at 2am. He lost the plot and I don't even know what triggered it. Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

I'm actually worried about my friend and her little boys safety.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 01/01/2014 22:11

I agree Leepy, if baby's neighbour had reported her ex shouting that he was going to kill her and put her head through a window, Mabey just Mabey there would be the evidence nit allowing him unsupervised access

Lilacroses · 01/01/2014 22:12

Leepy, that is a really good point, what a torturous situation to be in. I hope you are ok OP, such a horrible, shocking experience for you. I am in absolute disbelief that your friend's family and your own are pressurising you not to report this. I hope you find the courage to do so, I do understand how incredibly hard it must be but situations like this don't get better on their own. Thinking of you and hoping that you are with someone supportive and kind tonight.

PacificDogwood · 01/01/2014 22:50

situations like this don't get better on their own

^^ That is so true.
If nothing else, reporting the attach on you will put him on record as a violent man. Even if nothing else happens, it will be important if things change in the future for your friend and her son.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 13:01

I called the police but unfortunately his version has been backed up by DF so no further action to be taken. Thanks for all your support

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 02/01/2014 13:09

What? But surely you have injuries? That's outrageous!

Buzzardbird · 02/01/2014 13:11

What?

I wouldn't stand for that. A crime has been committed and she lied for him? Some friend! I would still contact Social Services.

perfectstorm · 02/01/2014 13:12

It's good you called them, even so. The report will now lie on file, and can still be used for corroboration if she leaves later and needs supporting evidence of his behaviour - he can't argue you cooked it up between you to deny him contact with the child, if it's on file from when it happened.

Again I am so, so sorry this happened. It must have been terrifying, especially with your child there. You've done the right thing, but you should never have had to in the first place.

perfectstorm · 02/01/2014 13:12

She's probably very scared of him, Buzzard. Sad

It does sound a weird decision by the police though - injuries don't cause themselves.

Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 13:14

Yes but from what I can gather it has been said it was self defence. From a 6ft 4 man against a 5 ft 2 8stone woman. It's sad that it's that easy to lie and get away with it
And unfortunate to lose a friend.

The police said he is known and insinuated they believe the story to have been fabricated to protect him but there really isn't anything that can be done.

It has been lodged as a domestic dispute regardless of the fact I don't live there and never have.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 13:14

Yes but from what I can gather it has been said it was self defence. From a 6ft 4 man against a 5 ft 2 8stone woman. It's sad that it's that easy to lie and get away with it
And unfortunate to lose a friend.

The police said he is known and insinuated they believe the story to have been fabricated to protect him but there really isn't anything that can be done.

It has been lodged as a domestic dispute regardless of the fact I don't live there and never have.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 13:15

Yes but from what I can gather it has been said it was self defence. From a 6ft 4 man against a 5 ft 2 8stone woman. It's sad that it's that easy to lie and get away with it
And unfortunate to lose a friend.

The police said he is known and insinuated they believe the story to have been fabricated to protect him but there really isn't anything that can be done.

It has been lodged as a domestic dispute regardless of the fact I don't live there and never have.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 13:16

Sorry for multiple posts

OP posts:
wowfudge · 02/01/2014 13:18

Really - you, your family, your friend and her family want this violent man to get away with behaving like this? What does he have to do before he has take the consequences for his appalling behaviour? You can get advice on how to handle the situation as I can understand you are both scared of any repercussions from him.

Bragmatic - the OP stated she does not know what triggered the assault. Surely there is no justification for such violence?

Eatriskier · 02/01/2014 13:19

Oh MissW I'm sorry to hear this, but its also not uncommon. Your friend is probably too scared to do anything other than fabricate this (as much as that probably doesn't make you feel better about it) and you have done completely the right thing in reporting it to the police. Flowers for you, and sorry you've been let down by them all.

Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 13:21

I know it may be disagreed with but I have done what I can and am willing to do. I have to take a step back now. My main priority is keeping my family safe.

I'm going to name change later today and won't post after I have done that but thank you all x

OP posts:
cingolimama · 02/01/2014 13:31

I'm sorry OP, but I don't believe you went to the police.

Gruntfuttock · 02/01/2014 13:32

How about the child's safety?

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/01/2014 13:33

That's appalling op Sad

You have done the right thing, I am so sorry the police have not taken this more seriously.

I think you are right and that now the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to distance yourself from this friend and her husband.

You have tried to help her but now for your own safety I think distance is necessary.

cjel · 02/01/2014 13:34

MissWinter01. So please that you at least reported it, Like you say you have done all you can.

Hope you get the help you need to not live in fear.xx

edamsavestheday · 02/01/2014 13:39

MissWinter01 - I'm sorry the police were so useless. It's hardly one person's word against another, you have actual injuries. Did you/the police take photographs? Have you been to your doctor?

I wonder whether you were unfortunate enough to be dealing with officers who really don't know very much about domestic violence and their own force's policy on handling such attacks. If you do want to take this further, I'd ask the officer who dealt with you what their force's policy is, and you can look up the Association of Chief Police Officer's guidance on domestic violence.

But I understand if you feel you've done what you can and don't want to pursue it. Dreadfully sad that your friend is too frightened/ground down by him to be honest about what happened, but abusers are great at persuading/threatening victims to hide the abuse.

Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 13:40

I'm not even responding to the person who has said I'm lying.

I can't protect her Dc if she won't. I can't do anything else without running the risk of my own family being put in the firing line. I am not prepared to put them in a potentially dangerous situation.

OP posts:
edamsavestheday · 02/01/2014 13:41

see here - the police should have taken pictures of your injuries, for starters.

Northumberlandlass · 02/01/2014 13:42

Have been watching this thread from the beginning.
I am sorry the Police haven't helped.

You are concerned for their DC's safety - can you go down another route and contact NSPCC / social services ?

PacificDogwood · 02/01/2014 13:57

MissWinters, well done for reporting - there is now a legal record of what has occurred even if your word went against your friend's and her husband's.
Sadly, this is such a common situation, but you still did the right thing and ought to be proud of that.

It may be the very first and tiny step towards your friend finding the strength to stand up to him too.
Keep whatever photographs you may have taken of your injuries safe and keep safe yourself.
Thanks

PacificDogwood · 02/01/2014 13:58

Is there a DV unit near where you are? Just wondering...