To be terrified for my friend?

[MissWinter01]

Her husband attacked me last night (bruised arms, possible making of a black eye).

Had to wake my daughter up and take her home at 2am. He lost the plot and I don't even know what triggered it. Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

I'm actually worried about my friend and her little boys safety.

Pacific - you have really summed it up there - sadly.

in the eyes of the law they are failing a duty to protect, people seem to care more about the woman than the child.
a misplaced sense of safety is not protecting that child.

I am not a lawyer, so am unsure whether a mother staying/returning to an abusive partner is guilty of anything 'in the eyes of the law'.
Which law are you referring to?

Anybody dealing with DV/DA knows how frustrating and stomach-churningly horrible it is when a victim of abuse returns to the abuser. Without fail it is because she is incapable of seeing another way having been manipulated for so long to not believe there is a way out, because she does believe that this is the only way to 'keep him happy', often having been threatened with 'If you leave, I'll kill you/me/our children', because she believes if only she does not annoy him, he'll not 'have to' hit her again.

Your posts are the worst kind of victim-blaming IMO, HowlingTrap. Children are of course to be protected, but in most cases of DV the affected person is not able to. Which it why it is so important that other people when they become aware of abuse, like MissWinters sadly became, report it. To allow outside agency to investigate/support/intervene.

The system has many and varied flaws, but saying 'she's as guilty as he is for going back' is not helpful and from a legal point of view AFAIK not true.

The person who hits is guilty, not the victim.

Not it isn't, how ridiculous

I am not blaming the woman for her dh abusive behaviour, but she had an alterative, she had a safe place to care for that little boy, AND TURNED IT DOWN!!!

like I said at best she's terrified and making stupid decisions, but the moment she put her son back in harms way, she became no longer fit to make the right decision for him, thats not victim blaming it is fact. she is actually, my DM works in CP and told a neighbour who allowed her children to grow up in violence over and over again of this, who suddenly as if by magic changed and left the abuser.

If SS gets involved she will be viewed poorly for going back when a good alt was available was there, I mean jesus she could have gone back herself and left the boy there.

That is why it was so important that somebody (here it was MissWinters) reported the abuse.
I was referring to you using 'in the eyes of the law' - I am not aware that victims of abuse break any law if they go back even if that means that they are failing to protect their child.

Yes, of course, if CP proceedings are commenced the children's safety will be the first priority and whether or not either parent has kept them safe will be looked at.
Still no criminal offence by the victim of abuse.

And it is not 'stupidity' that makes women go back to abusive partners. It really isn't. Lawyers/doctors/other people of excellent intellectual abilities take years and several attempts to get out.

Its stupid if its purely cuz' she doesn't want to be 'alone' which you can't rule out.

If you have an interest in the subject have a wander around Hiddenhurt.

I can't (and am not) 'ruling anything out', but I can assure you that it's a bit more complex than 'I'd rather by with any partner than with nobody'.

I am a product of DV I know sadly as a matter of fact, that some victims still care more about there relationship status than the wellbeing if their children.

perhaps she is trying to protect her child by being there. if she left him then the perpatrator may get unsupervised access to the children when she is unable to protect them. perhaps he has told her that he will go for custody, and she is trying to protect her children from that. perhaps he has told her he will kill her and the children. its not possible to be black and white in these circumstances.

I am v sorry to hear that HowlingTrap.
I still don't think that going back makes the victim of DV stupid.
Ill-advised, blinkered, brain-washed - call it what you want, but it's not stupid IMO and IME.

Sorry, but who is the witness DF ?

Her father ?

Howlingtrap, you haven't said a word about the perpetrators of domestic violence. Just criticised the victims. Why is that?

OK, so DF = her.

I find it very odd that police would not want to see your injuries.

I would complain to another officer and say they wouldn't even observe your injuries.

Achy, the police visited op

Hi all,

Sorry I have been unable to change my name back to my original due to changing my email address.

Just wanted to thank you all for your advice and let you all know that my friend has for the last 11 days been living with her brother. After I reported things to the police the situation quickly escalated and she no longer felt it safe to stay there. I have seen her a few times and thankfully the silver lining of this terrible situation is our friendship has remained firmly intact and probably stronger than before.

I actually told her I posted here as we have spent the evening together with the girls safely tucked up in bed and the wine being poured at regular intervals and she wants to thanks everyone for helping me to reach the decision to go to the police which in turn gave her the strength to leave.

So from two little bit tipsy Mummy's thank you.

That is brilliant news.

Sorry on phone girly's and boys nothing to do with the wine, promise.

Oh, thank you for the update.

Best of luck to your friend - onwards and upwards .
And I'm happy for you that your friendship is intact.

Op, that is the best possible result ever. Thank you so much for updating.

fantastic news and

Thank you ladies, I honestly just want you to know how much I appreciate your support and advice in the days after the event.

If it wasn't for you all this could truly have been an entirely different situation that just isn't worth thinking about now.

I credit everyone of you for giving me the kick up the arse I needed to do the right thing. Without it I have no idea where my friend and her beautiful DC would of or could have ended up.

I never knew such support could come from a group of women I have never met. It is honestly the most unanimous thread I've ever seen on MN and proves to me the good that can come of this site.

So I'm getting all soppy (and a tiny bit teary) so I'm off to bed. So once again thank you all so much.

x

Just read this all the way through for the first time and I'm so pleased to see your update. You have done the right thing.

Very best wishes to you and your friend and your DCs.

So relieved to see this update! Hope your friend stays away from this vile bully for good and so glad to hear your friendship has survived.

Fan fucking tastic. Well done Op and friend.

This has made my day. I hope this year is a fantastic one for your friend.