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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified for my friend?

301 replies

MissWinter01 · 01/01/2014 11:24

Her husband attacked me last night (bruised arms, possible making of a black eye).

Had to wake my daughter up and take her home at 2am. He lost the plot and I don't even know what triggered it. Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

I'm actually worried about my friend and her little boys safety.

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 01/01/2014 11:35

Call the police. This is not her decision. If you saw a stranger being attacked, you would.

formerbabe · 01/01/2014 11:36

Op...do you have a dh/dp? If so, what does he say about this? You are a victim of assault. Why would anyone think reporting it is a bad idea?!

bragmatic · 01/01/2014 11:37

They have no right to put pressure on you. No right. YOU were the one who was assaulted.

ShouldEAUldAcquaintanceBeForgo · 01/01/2014 11:37

Why on earth is it not a good idea to call the police? He's committed a violent crime and may very well do it again. Call them!

Hope your friend is safe and that you're feeling less shaken.

WilsonFrickett · 01/01/2014 11:38

What would you do if it had been a stranger who did this to you?

There's your answer.

At the very least, please take photos of your injuries today.

WireCatGlitteryBaubles · 01/01/2014 11:40

He needs reporting. Otherwise when will he stop.

OP, please report him x

Heartbrokenmum73 · 01/01/2014 11:40

How would you feel if it was your DP that attacked your friend, leaving her with bruises and a black eye?

If that was me, I'd ring the police myself, never mind start pressuring my friend not to.

I know you're worried about your friend, but honestly this man attacked you. And there were sleeping children in the house, one of them yours?

How you can think this is ok is beyond me.

Call the police and have the twat arrested.

PacificDogwood · 01/01/2014 11:40

What her or your families think is irrelevant IMO - violence like this escalates.
He has now attacked somebody who is not 'his' which implies a loss of control.
The next time will be worse.

Yy take photos of your injuries.
Report to the police
Go see your dr whenever feasible to have them document this too.

This is bigger than you or your respective families Hmm.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/01/2014 11:40

You must call the police. If you say that she's not going back then great, but he assaulted you and you have no idea where that would have stopped. He may or may not do it again but he DID do it this time. Either way, he needs the message that violence has consequences and perhaps he'll be able to access help if in the 'system'.

Your friend witnessed this and expects you not to report. That's not what a friend does although she's probably in a state about her own life right now.

Report it - now!

Blu · 01/01/2014 11:40

What a horrible thing to happen.
Bruises and emerging black eye is a serious attack. Multiple blows, force.
Physically attacking a woman with small children in the house?
If a stranger attacked you in the street and then their partner begged you not to involve the police, how would you feel?

I know you must feel very very torn, but your friend is being kept prisoner by her own fear. I know you feel loyalty and only concern for her, but actually she has no right to ask you to Ignore such a serious attack on you. If you Ignore it you are both being subjected to the emotional abuse and fear that he already wields over her.

She is asking you to collude in a state that her H has reduced her to.

And discount the terror and confusion that your dd must have felt.

It can never be safe for her to go back.

newfavouritething · 01/01/2014 11:41

Don't involve the police if the families 'don't think getting the police involved is a good idea'. Leave it to them to report him when he beats you/her so badly next time that you can't. Best get them to pencil in babysitting duties too in case you/your friend are unable to look after your kids.

BathTimeBill · 01/01/2014 11:41

I'm really shocked that you aren't reporting this. Your dc was in the house. What if he had turned on her??? Would you still be covering up for your friends husband then? What if your child had witnessed it, that could have long lasting effects. I know these are all what ifs but they were just as possible as what happened to you if you don't know what triggered it.

He needs reporting, especially if its not the first time!

ProfPlumSpeaking · 01/01/2014 11:41

This is a rare case of unanimity on AIBU. I can see why your friend has begged you not to call the police - she is vulnerable and scared of change. However, her best interests will be served by your reporting this fully to the police, who hopefully will involve SS. She may be cross with you for a while but honestly this is what you MUST do, for HER. She will eventually see that. Reassure her that you will be there for her as her life changes and that she will come out the other side grateful to be away and back in control of her life. Good luck to you.

PS why is it that your family think you should not call the police?

londonrach · 01/01/2014 11:42

Report to the police. Your friend will thank you later. You need to have your injuries photographed and documented. Please keep your friend and her boys safe. There are safe houses she can go to where he will never find her. Police first now!

edamsavestheday · 01/01/2014 11:42

Reporting the assault may protect your friend's little boy when residence and contact are discussed. It's evidence the father is violent.

Quite apart from being the right thing to do...

Choccybaby · 01/01/2014 11:42

Why would they not want it reporting? So it can all blow over and she can go back to him?

If you don't report it and she or someone else is attacked and seriously injured how would you feel knowing you could maybe have prevented it?

He also needs help of some sort. You are helping no one in the long run by keeping it quiet. Please report this.

ReluctantBeing · 01/01/2014 11:43

Reporting it is the only sensible thing to do. As someone said earlier, when will it stop otherwise?

PacificDogwood · 01/01/2014 11:43

MissWinters, does all of us saying the same thing sway you at all?

People don't want the awkwardness of reporting somebody close to them. Which is way so many women are killed by the partners in the UK.

Please report.
Yes, he may never do it again, but the likelihood is that he will Sad.

AngryBirdRoast · 01/01/2014 11:44

He's a bully and he's now getting away with attacking you too

use your anger, it is justified

report the wanker

Original poster
MissWinter01 · 01/01/2014 11:44

My family think it could make it worse for her. I suspect her family are following through with repeating her wishes.

I will take photographs and have a think about the police. I'm still pretty shaken but just glad to be at home with my little girl.

OP posts:
Blu · 01/01/2014 11:44

And your own family are beyond belief.
Why should you be punched just because your friend lives with a violent man?
Not calling the police is tantamount to saying a woman's right to safety and freedom from pain and bruises comes second to a man's right to behave how the hell he likes.

Old fashioned thinking about 'just a domestic tiff'

RhondaJean · 01/01/2014 11:44

There really is no option here. You call the police. I cannot believe your family think you shouldnt.

clara26 · 01/01/2014 11:44

Report him to the police. Violent crimes should not go unpunished. Sounds like you had a night like mine. Think of his children. Your family and hers sound unreasonable.

differentnameforthis · 01/01/2014 11:44

If you were attacked by a stranger, or if this was a guy you knew, but who wasn't your friends husband, would you report?

To be honest, I think you would be mad not to. You have been assaulted & everyone around you is minimising it. What hold does he have over them all?

PacificDogwood · 01/01/2014 11:45

My family think it could make it worse for her

There, right there, is another one of the myths that protects violent domestic partners.

NOT reporting it will make it worse for her.