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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified for my friend?

301 replies

MissWinter01 · 01/01/2014 11:24

Her husband attacked me last night (bruised arms, possible making of a black eye).

Had to wake my daughter up and take her home at 2am. He lost the plot and I don't even know what triggered it. Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

I'm actually worried about my friend and her little boys safety.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 13:59

Northumberland I fear this will just antagonise. I aware it appears cowardly but I really don't want to continue down this route. I will always be there for my DF if she needs me but until that day comes, if it comes I think I need to distance my family from their family.

OP posts:
Meerka · 02/01/2014 14:01

Think you've done all you reasonably can .... grotty that the police felt unable to do more :( hope your friend and her boy will be safe

PacificDogwood · 02/01/2014 14:04

Yes, I can understand why you'd want to distance yourself. Horrible situation all round, my heart goes out to your friend Sad

magimedi · 02/01/2014 14:05

I am sorry that the police did nothing.

I think you are quite right to distance yourself from this - you & your family come first.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/01/2014 14:10

You've done your best in a difficult situation. Its logged by the police so when (not if) something else happens with your friend or someone else there is a bit more history.

I would leave a channel of communication open for your friend but step back a bit. She probably lied because she isn't ready to leave and she had to back him up to stay safe. Just like she bumps her head on a kitchen door, slips over a gets some bruises etc. People know the reality but she isn't yet in a position where she can face up to and deal with the situation.

wheresthebeach · 02/01/2014 14:16

You have done the absolute right thing. I guess it's two people saying it never happened against one. Sadly as someone else said upthread not uncommon in these situations.

You are right to distance yourself - I'm afraid you can't put yourself or your child in danger to try and save a friend who doesn't want saving.

Justforlaughs · 02/01/2014 14:18

You have done everything you can for now, but can I just ask if you got anything in writing/ an incident report/ log number or anything else from the police that you can refer to if needed in the future.

RhondaJean · 02/01/2014 14:27

Well done op you have done everything it would be reasonable to expect you too.

ADishBestEatenCold · 02/01/2014 14:37

I wish I has seen this thread when you first put it up MissWinter01. I would have predicted your dear friend giving this man an alibi (in this case in the form of a supporting story), would have known that you had a small window of time to report it in, before it occured to this man to bully and manipulate your friend into giving said alibi. And maybe, I could have told you things that would have encouraged you to report it sooner ... within that small window of time. Been there, felt the fear, then the shock, then the anger, then the betrayal.

I am so sorry. I don't know if it is of any help at the moment, but one thing I can tell you ... I know it for sure ... in her heart, where it counts, your friend hasn't really betrayed you. She is terrified. Not just for herself, and her child, but for you, her brother, her family, for everyone. She's in survival mode and (for the moment) doing what she thinks is safest. She's wrong, but she hasn't accepted that yet.

Sadly, it's not over, but you have done the right thing. You have to stay safe, keep your family safe, take a step back, deal with your own shock. (That last is so important, you can get support to deal with your feelings). There may yet come a time when you can help her.

I know you are name changing and moving away from this for now, MissWinter01, but if you need to talk, need help with getting support, or just want answers to questions, then feel free to PM me. If I can help, I will. Thanks

MaxsMummy2012 · 02/01/2014 15:01

I just wanted to say that I don't think you are cowardly at all. I think that you are incredibly brave and have absolutely done the right thing in both reporting the attack so that it is on file and also from distancing yourself from them to protect your own family. Stay safe. XxX

IsItMeOr · 02/01/2014 15:17

You did a very brave thing OP.

Sorry it has played out this way, and hope you can distance yourself from any fallout.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/01/2014 15:24

So sorry for what has happened.

Have the police given you information on victim support? I think you are right and need to step back from your friend but you will need support yourself. You have been through two terrible experiences over the last 48 hours - both the assault and the betrayal and you may need help with processing them.

Try and be kind to yourself for the next few days. You were really brave going to the police.

Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 15:37

Yes I have received a crime report number and the slip left with that stated my details would be passed to VS and if I didn't want to be referred to ring within 24 hours (or something to that effect)

I'm not angry with my friend. I can fully sympathise. She's doing what she thinks is right for her family. I just wish it didn't mean her putting herself at risk :-(

OP posts:
pigletmania · 02/01/2014 15:52

At least you reported it, really you are right to dstance yourself. Unfortunately tat is what abusers do,isolate their victim from fami,y and friends. Until she asks for help, than there is not much you can do

pigletmania · 02/01/2014 15:53

Just let her know your there if she wants to leave, until then keep a distance. Keep lines of communication open

formerbabe · 02/01/2014 15:55

Well done for being so courageous.

I would call ss and then step away like you said and look after yourself and your family x

ocelot41 · 02/01/2014 16:31

What pigletmania said.

Well done, OP. Fuck, DV is horrible. That poor woman. And poor you being hurt and then not able to bring about any change.

Still concerned about the DC- have you managed to have a chat with the NSPCC at all?

Northumberlandlass · 02/01/2014 16:38

It isn't cowardly MissWinter - you have to protect yourself & your family.
Your DF must be petrified Sad

Buzzardbird · 02/01/2014 16:41

The good thing is if you called SS then it would just be assumed that the police contacted them so it wouldn't backfire on you or your family.

I hope you are starting to feel a little better. You need to get clear in your mind what you will say to your friend when she comes knocking on your door the next time he knocks her about. You need to have your own boundaries too in this situation...for your own safety.

wowfudge · 02/01/2014 16:45

Good on you for reporting him OP - it wasn't easy, I know. My original reply to your post appeared ages after I typed it, there has been such a huge response to you.

AnnieLobeseder · 02/01/2014 16:45

I'm sorry it turned out this way, MissWinter.

The awful situation your poor friend and her DC are in aside, it's pretty fucking appalling that when you are covered in bruises, all it takes is for him to get away with it is claiming it was self-defense.

Original poster
MissWinter01 · 02/01/2014 17:05

I haven't actually rang anyone apart from the police at the moment. I know there are automatic SS/HV referrals to DV homes once the police has been called in my area so I either assume that a referral has been made or that they won't deem it necessary because of whatever has been said.

I have spoken to DF's DB today and he is organizing a family meeting to discuss what is going on as apparently he too has been on the receiving end of a nasty temper from this man. I am inclined to (hope) believe they will make the best decision as to what to do as a family.

In the meantime I think I might just cuddle up with mine for a film :-)

Thank you for all the queries asking how I was, I'm a bit sore but the visible damage is minimal (make-up works wonders sometimes) so I am not scaring DC when they see me. Some of the stories on this thread brought me to tears, heartbreaking the devastating the effect DV can have on so many.

Thank you too for all your comments. It made me realize that my family were advising wrongly (although with the best intentions).

xxx

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 02/01/2014 17:08

You are a good friend, MissWinters.

I hope your friend's family will be able to help her out of this awful situation.
The damaged DV does is far further and deeper reaching than 'just' physical wounds Sad and can be devastating for a long time after somebody may have escaped from it.

If you have a way of making it clear to your friend that you are there for her and that you'll always have her back, then make sure she knows. She may need you at some point.

cjel · 02/01/2014 17:32
Flowers
thornrose · 02/01/2014 18:19

MissWinter - you did your best. I hope you're ok. Now the dust has settled you might start to feel very shaky about the fact that you were attacked and it must've been very scary.