To be terrified for my friend?

[MissWinter01]

Her husband attacked me last night (bruised arms, possible making of a black eye).

Had to wake my daughter up and take her home at 2am. He lost the plot and I don't even know what triggered it. Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

I'm actually worried about my friend and her little boys safety.

I wonder what this arse has said r done to this woman, so she goes back. I dread to think what he does behind closed doors. I hope the family help him escape

Help her escape

Well done OP, that was a brave thing to do.

I am so sorry that it can't be taken further and completely understand your desire to now leave it alone. I do wonder if you should go to the doctors so there is another 'official' corroboration which may help later down the line? But maybe other posters will know if that is a helpful thing to do. Obviously you don't have to tell anyone in RL if you have done this, I think it can be useful to have things on file though.

Take care of yourself xxx

I am so sorry MrsW, you have been in a horrible horrible position here, and not only because he assaulted you.

It was always n the cards that she would be to terrified to leave him and too terrified to do anything other than back him up.

But absolutely right that you reported it and it is logged, and this will help when one day she needs police protection to see her safely out of the home.

Hopefully one day she will either gather her strength (maybe with the help of a Freedom Programme) and create an escape plan for herself and then you can help her directly. Otherwise one day it will be too much and she will flee in terror. And you will be there for her.

I think you did the right thing in reporting it, am saddened but not surprised at the outcome, the police cannot physically drag abused women out of the home against their will, but one day hopefully your evidence will count.

Take care of yourself.

MissWinter, I'm sorry this has turned out this way, but can I say the fact you have reported it means the police are getting information on this beast of a man. If he ever does this to anyone, and they report, they have everything logged. You have done everything you can.

I used to work for the police in Scotland, so do have a bit of knowledge of how this works. You said you think they said it was self defense on his part. If he has said that, that is saying "yes I did it, but here's why". The police wouldn't just write that off. They would still report to the procurator fiscal. I have a feeling whatever they told to police totally contradicts what you told them. Hence them suggesting the story was fabricated to you.

If you have been given a crime number, that file can be reopened at anytime, so if he is prosecuted for a similar offence in the future, they might be able to use your testimony.

Are your injuries visible? I would ask for the to be photographed to be kept on file.

I think you should get a second opinion from another police officer - it's not up to the police to decide whether it goes further; the procurator fiscal decides that. I would want an assurance from the police that it would be referred on

So glad you reported.... your friend is very lucky to have you. Take care

Agent, it does depend on what story the husband gave. There needs to be corroboration of Ops version of events. For them not to report to the PF it sounds as if they have both said he didn't touch her.

If it has been flagged as a DV case it should be reviewed by the DV team and there is a huge push to report all dv cases, but if there isn't evidence and corroboration they can report it.

They can't report, sorry

But OP said there was "visible damage" - would that not trigger a referral?

Your poor friend must be terrified of this beast. Poor thing, how she must be living in fear on any retributions.

Lets hope that she finds the courage to report him and leave him, at least for the sake of her little boy.

But there is no evidence to support ops version of how she came by the "bistable damage", I know it sucks, but no corroboration is why many cases never go anywhere.

At least they have flagged it as DV, there will be a marker against the address.

I'm so sorry you weren't able to help your friend, but she must want help. Here in the States we have mandatory prosecution laws for DV in many states. That means, if there are visible injuries such as yours, an arrest MUST be made and the case MUST go to court for adjudication regardless of what the victim (or, in your case, the victim's spouse) says. This way abusers are held accountable to the law even if the victim recants or someone later denies that DV took place or gives the abuser an alibi. I'm surprised the UK doesn't have similar laws.

Well done for following through and reporting the incident. If it helps the police automatically notify social work department of any domestic violence incident if a child is present (Scotland).

Social work should contact the family to look at their circumstances and your friend will be offered a lot of support. How she deals with this is however her choice. You may well have a visit from social services yourself as your child was present in the house when the incident took place. I wouldn't worry if you do as you have acted appropriately by removing your daughter from the situation promptly.

I thought that was wonderful of you. I think I may have frozen and colluded with the rationalisation of the situation that ensued. A visit from ss would also provide you with an opportunity to raise your concerns with this agency. Their priority will be with the child's safety. Adults can make their own choices however poor they might be.

I hope the rest of 2014 is more peaceful for you

Miss Winter01, I also just want to add my support and thanks for reporting the incident, and also thanks on behalf of their poor children, even if they don't know it, it may help them down the line to get away from that monster or trigger their mother to realise that enough is enough. I hope you are ok xx

I feel so upset about this.

It just makes me so angry when someone stays with an abusive man like this and has kids. It's all very well staying to keep the children safe but there is no guarantee that it will indeed keep the family safe.

I have heard several cases where friends and family have known and didn't want to rock the boat and then their friend/relative has been killed by this person because violence tends to esculate, not stay the same.

I don't blame your friend really, but it does make me so upset and makes me a bit irrational. So many children have to see their parents hurt each other/be hurt and it leaves a permanent mark on their heart that will never, ever go away.

I sincerely hope the family make a plan to keep this woman safe.

Hopefully SS will be involved and the child will be taken away so that your friend has time to see how it is affecting her and to get herself away without worrying about her child being harmed.

It sounds horrible but really it's probably for the best in a situation like this, because your friend is unlikely to come to this conclusion anytime soon when the status quo continues.

Poor woman. Poor child. Poor everyone involved really except that abusive wanker

OP you did a fantastic thing today. It was not in vain if it triggers SW involvement, or if it contributes to your friend's growing sense that this is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship. I wish I'd had a friend like you when I was with my abusive ex. Once, a neighbour came to check I was ok when my ex was screaming abuse at me. At the time I was mortified and (with ex's 'encouragement') ignored her from then on. Years later everything started to click into place and that concern from the neighbour was one of the things that gave me the certainty to leave.
You've done a good and brave thing today.

I'm so sorry this happened to you MissWinter, and I hope you're feeling better soon.

I'm really glad you reported it.

Gimme - I know it's very tempting to blame the OP's friend but she's a victim too and is trying to survive this the only way she knows how to. Outsiders are seeing this from a place of safety - it's easy to judge when you are safely tucked up in your own home, not at risk of a beating if you do the wrong thing.

And there are plenty of other people who know this man is a violent thug and have not tackled him - see what the OP says about her friend's brother.

I hope the 'family meeting' means someone is going to make sure the OP's friend and her child can escape from this despicable excuse for a man and that he faces justice.

And I'm really glad the OP did the right thing, and sorry it didn't work immediately. But I'm sure it will help - at least it's provoked this family meeting and there is a record.

no-one is blaming her for the abuse but by staying there she is failing to protect him form abuse, in the eyes of the law she is just as gulity is he suffers abuse.

*from

From 'Hiddenhurt':

"Many sufferers of domestic violence do not speak out about what is happening at home, but suffer in silence, often for years. They may try to deny it to themselves, not wanting to admit to the reality of the abuse; they may feel shame about the abuse, as though it were their fault. A feeling of guilt about the abuse is almost universal – the victim of abuse believing, and being told by the perpetrator, that they or their actions are the cause of the abuse. This has a double effect: it enables the abuser to continue to feel justified in continuing their destructive behaviour, as the victim takes responsibility for the abuse, and also allows the victim to continue to believe that they can change the situation and can in some way control the abuse and stop it. Real change in a perpetrator of abuse however is sadly very rare.

Above all, it needs stressing that the victim of abuse is not responsible for the abuse and violence, but is being manipulated and coerced by the perpetrator."

And no, women who stay with their abuser or go back to their abuser are not guilty of a criminal offence should be abuser hurt their child. Abused women often return to their abuser because the feel that this is the safest thing to do.

I completely agree Edam I just feel so frustrated and upset for everyone involved. I know the friend isn't to blame and sincerely hope she is OK.

Great post, Pacific. I hope some of the victim blamers on this thread read it.

Gimme, I think we agree with each other!