Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified for my friend?

301 replies

MissWinter01 · 01/01/2014 11:24

Her husband attacked me last night (bruised arms, possible making of a black eye).

Had to wake my daughter up and take her home at 2am. He lost the plot and I don't even know what triggered it. Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

I'm actually worried about my friend and her little boys safety.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/01/2014 14:28

Just something to think about MissWinter. Many years ago, before cellphones and instant communication, we had a friend with an abusive husband. We knew and we didn't do anything because she begged us not to. Her family couldn't bear 'the shame' of her being beaten. Think of that, 'her' shame. WTF? But that's not the worst part. One day, she didn't show up for a 'girls lunch'. We wondered where she was, we said 'you don't think..?'. But none of us wanted to make her family mad by 'getting involved'. And during that day, while we were dithering about what to do, she was slowly being beaten to death, over many hours, by that monster. She died of massive head trauma and in unbelievable agony, according to the coroner. MissWinter, this is something that all of us who did nothing have to live with, until our dying days. We didn't want to 'rock that boat'. Please, I beg you, call the police. You may save her life.

depankrispaneven · 01/01/2014 14:36

Even if you can't get to a police station yet, you need to get your injuries seen by a doctor now so that there is fresh independent evidence of them. If you haven't taken photographs, do that also.

I must say, I hate the thought of that horrible man with his wife and child thinking he's got away with it again. Until someone stops him, he's going to assume he will continue to get away with it, and it will only get worse.

EirikurNoromaour · 01/01/2014 14:36

Mrswinter, does she have children? You need to report it immediately, her children are at terrible risk if you don't. Good luck.

Buzzardbird · 01/01/2014 14:37

Well, now at least you have reported to police by now I expect that ss will be able to step in to protect her son as she is putting him in a dangerous position?

tudorqueen · 01/01/2014 14:57

I'm afraid the reality is that going to the Police is going to make it worse for her in the short term because he is going to be fucking angry that someone reported him.

HOWEVER - he will be arrested, questioned and charged. He will be out of the house for some time. That gives her enough time to get the hell out (I know he's the one that really needs to leave, but practically it would be almost impossible and probably involve a lot of violence for your friend). You can both get restraining orders out against him so that if he approaches either of you he will be arrested.

It won't, however, take away her fear because nothing will until he is dead. That is what DV does to you.

But she needs the chance to rebuild her life and that has to be without him, otherwise her DC will end up being the punch bags, or end up emotionally damaged at watching their mother continually beaten, or end up being abusive themselves. If nothing else he needs to be kept away from the kids and she needs the Police report, the arrest, the charge to do this. There is no way her relationship can be saved. It was over the minute he raised his fist to her for the very first time, or the moment he swore at her and told her she was stupid and it was all her fault.

Her family are probably very aware of what is going on and are frightened of what he will do when he knows that the Police are involved. It might be wrong, but is understandable.

PacificDogwood · 01/01/2014 15:02

Acrossthepond how awful for all invovled Sad

Yes, reporting may make things more difficult. Or not.
Not reporting will do NOTHING and allow him to continue without even the threat of having previous form.
DV/DA does awful things to people and it follows them around all their lives, but that does not justify doing nothing.

And MissWinters has been assaulted herself - she is not reporting her friend's abuse but hers. Or at least I hope she is.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 01/01/2014 15:03

OP, are you wondering what she's gone home to today? I am.

How angry will he be with her for leaving? If he attacked you, someone who isn't 'his' (as someone else put it) and left you bruised and black-eyed, how badly do you think she's going to get it when she goes home?

By calling the police you will be removing him from the situation and possibly saving her from his anger.

SquinkiesRule · 01/01/2014 16:06

Please call the Police.
My sister was beating and strangled on a regular basis with the kids in the next room who heard it all. She is well away now and the kids are safe from him too. No one called for her (I didn't know about it all as I lived away), she had to ask the nurses to call from the A&E when she was taken there by ambulance with her teeth crooked and black and blue all over. No one called when he knocked his brothers teeth out in front of everyone for daring to walk in the room smile and say Hello. Then he started on the kids, his son was first.
What are you waiting for?

HowlingTrap · 01/01/2014 16:22

Having been a child witness/victim of DV I do have more that an little empathy,
But could not imagine ever being so dismissive of my friend being battered it would be a wake up call,
She got out ...and went back?
I think this is DV mixed with a healthy dose of 'having a boyfriend is my biggest priority atm' mixed in. The sad fact is the second she decided to take her son back to a violent situation when an alternative was available, means at best she is terrified and stupid at worst callous and selfish, either way she's no longer fit to make judgement for her son's welfare.

NeedaWee · 01/01/2014 16:23

Lets be realistic
She aint gonna report him, not today tomorrow or next year
wife has happily gone home for another wallop
kids will grow up to be abusers or victims

Whinny all you like but thatsthe truth of it when people cba to get involved

TonyThePony · 01/01/2014 17:51

Just imagine he wasn't your friends' husband:
If a man (or woman) assaults somebody they should be reported to the police.
Why should he be allowed to attack you with no consequence, regardless of who he is married to...?

DrCoconut · 01/01/2014 19:31

It is very likely that he will completely flip if he is reported. Her family know this and are afraid for her. She needs protection from him, police who understand DV to take him away and detain him for long enough for her to get away. She needs to see that her future is away from that hell and she will most likely need practical support to leave e.g. Someone to help her pack quickly. Then she will need support to stay away as the greatest risk ever would be going back after that. I am 14 years free in May and can still feel knots in my stomach reading about cases like this. It took me 13 years to dare return to my former hometown to see friends in case I met him in the street. Even now I wont go to his area, places I know he frequents etc. The fear is all encompassing and completely screws up your thought patterns. You do have a duty to report it but know how scared everyone is except him. I will be thinking of you all and I mean that.

maddening · 01/01/2014 19:58

She has gone home so report it - but call woman's aid first for advice - you be able to get a plan of protection and support for her ahead of reporting.

maddening · 01/01/2014 19:59

It is possible that ss need to be involved if there are dc in the house.

pigletmania · 01/01/2014 20:04

I echo what everybody said, please report. By not reporting this, you are protecting this man and allowing him to continue. Even if you loose a friend, you are doing her a massive favour and her kids. She may stay with him but the kids don't have a choice they are powerless, do it for them.

pigletmania · 01/01/2014 20:06

Contact woman's aid too. The police will be experienced in dealing with DV and can help her if she's afraid for her safety

bringbacksideburns · 01/01/2014 20:06

I hope you are going to report it. I've got a feeling you're not b ecause the people around you have some weird sense it wasn't too serious and you should keep quiet.

The only reason you would have had NOT to report it was if she left him for good and didn't go back. She's gone back within hours. You owe her nothing now, but you can make sure the relevant authorities can keep an eye on her poor son and you can make him answerable once and for all for his violence. Don't forget to take photos.

TwerkingNineToFive · 01/01/2014 20:13

IME DV always escalates. If he gets away with what he did to you he will feel even more untouchable. Show him and her that it will not be tolerated and alert the police to him for the inevitable future. :0(

pigletmania · 01/01/2014 20:17

If he does that to you, in plain sight of people, god only knows what he does to her behind closed doors. By reporting to the police you are protecting those vulnerable little children

HissymasJumper · 01/01/2014 20:23

The best chance of your friend getting the support she needs, and incidentally for you to get the victim support YOU need, is to report this, and urge her to do the same.

The police will act to help support her.

This is not the first time she's been assaulted, and certainly won't be the last.

2 women a week are killed by their partners, if he's attacked you, he could genuinely kill her, and her dc

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/01/2014 20:35

Please report this op

YourHandInMyHand · 01/01/2014 20:37

How are you feeling physically OP? Have you been checked over?

Reporting him to the police is the right thing to do, for your friend and her dc. Sad

wheresthebeach · 01/01/2014 20:41

Don't let him get away with attacking you. You may not be able to stop her putting up with abuse but you must show her another way. If you don't report him then the message everyone gets is 'it's not that bad'. It's shocking, and awful but don't give into emotional blackmail.

Phone the police.

ocelot41 · 01/01/2014 20:45

Many people on this thread have stressed that the DCs might be next. Just to clarify - being made to be afraid in your own home and witnessing violence even if its between adults IS child abuse in and of itself. It will screw with their heads even if they are not personally hit.

I would echo what other posters have said - call Women's Aid, see if you can get her and her kids out before the police come knocking because he's going to be mad as fuck when that happens, but also call NSPCC. The sad fact is their mum may 'choose' to stay with this man (although free choice is a pretty alien concept when it comes to DV) but the kids can't be allowed to stay in that situation.

LeepyTime · 01/01/2014 21:04

OP, I am not sure if you have been following babynameChange's posts but she is going through hell now trying to protect her son and only allow him supervised contact with her DV ex. She is going through battle after court battle and still he is allowed unsupervised overnights and holidays with him. The poor boy is distraught going to him. It is unbearable. Maybe if some 'outsider' had had the courage in her situation to report him, there may have been some other evidence of DV against him rather than just hers, and she might not be in this hell now, as there would be other third party evidence against him. Please report him to the police, for the sake of the children at least. Be brave xx