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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified for my friend?

301 replies

MissWinter01 · 01/01/2014 11:24

Her husband attacked me last night (bruised arms, possible making of a black eye).

Had to wake my daughter up and take her home at 2am. He lost the plot and I don't even know what triggered it. Apparently this isn't the first time he has acted this way both outwith and within the marriage.

I'm actually worried about my friend and her little boys safety.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2014 12:46

If you don;t go to the police, you won't be helping her, you'll be helping him.

Report it. It's either acceptable for one adult to hit another or its not. Stop putting him first.

bringbacksideburns · 01/01/2014 12:47

Do go through with this OP. And if your friend objects, then you simply tell her you did it for her little boy's safety as you cannot ensure she will not go back to him. And she won't act for him.

Original poster
MissWinter01 · 01/01/2014 12:49

She has gone home :-(

OP posts:
cjel · 01/01/2014 12:49

I think if your friend objects you should say I was attacked and I reported the attack - the fallout is not you responsibility .

TeeBee · 01/01/2014 12:50

Those poor, poor children. This is exactly why you need to report it. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Timeforabiscuit · 01/01/2014 12:52

I'm so sorry you were attacked when you should have been safe, I would worry more that by letting this go it will get worse regardless.

You matter, you are not a punch bag and I wish you every possible strength with whatever you decide.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 01/01/2014 12:53

Jesus wept. What will he be saying to her about why he attacked you? That it was your fault? That you provoked him? That it was her fault?

Don't be surprised if she's not allowed to be your friend anymore OP.

Please, please, please report this. She is putting herself back in danger, but more horrifyingly she is putting her DS back in danger.

You need to take this further to protect that child.

Timeforabiscuit · 01/01/2014 12:54

I'm so sorry for your friend miss winter - I know your instinct is to think about your friend - but please take some time to think about you and your daughter in that house, what else could have happened.

Gutted on your behalf.

PacificDogwood · 01/01/2014 12:54

I am not surprised.

Living with DV or the threat of DV skews people's thinking and perception of who's in the wrong here. She'll trying to 'not upset him' or 'do the right thing' and make excuses for him 'he was drunk' 'he was upset' 'MissWinters wound him up'.

That ^^ is another reason why you'd do her a huge service by reporting him to the police for the assault on you.

ThePinkOcelot · 01/01/2014 12:54

Definitely report it OP. Especially as she has stupidly gone home. Hope you are okay. x

DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2014 12:55

that's her choice, he's cnvinced her a man hitting a woman is normal. Go to the police about him hitting you. Show her that actually, accepting this behaviour is not what normal woman do. Show him that he can't get away with hitting woman.

Plus next time he hits her (and there will be a next time) if she goes to the police there are other occasions logged.

Don't leave it too long, talk to them today.

Ratbagcatbag · 01/01/2014 12:55

Please report this, my dad was an abusive fucker too, as soon as I was old enough to defy him, I was beaten black and blue, mum was in such a state of fear then that she didn't stop him. Teachers knew what was happening and didn't report it. :(

PacificDogwood · 01/01/2014 12:56

She has not "stupidly" gone home - she's gone home because she is unable to see an alternative. DV does that to you.

MissWinters, are you familiar with Stockholm Syndrome? Have a google. Similar psychological maladaptive processes happen in victims of DV.

travellingwilbury · 01/01/2014 12:57

If he had attacked your daughter you wouldn't be even contemplating not reporting it . Why do you and your family think you are worth less .

it is hard but much easier than watching your friend suffer knowing you could have helped .

Facebaffle · 01/01/2014 12:57

How many incidents has your friend not reported?

BerniceBroadside · 01/01/2014 13:00

When it escalates, and it will, a very dim view will be taken of her failure to protect her child.

You must report it.

YouTheCat · 01/01/2014 13:00

Please report it.

Wingdingdong · 01/01/2014 13:01

Sad but predictable. Now it's really important for her that you act as quickly as possible. Unfortunately it has piled more responsibility on your shoulders, but at least you are able to think clearly. Again, wishing you lots of luck in a difficult situation.

myroomisatip · 01/01/2014 13:02

Another one here urging you to report this.

RedHelenB · 01/01/2014 13:02

I think that either way you will no longer be friends with this woman so you should make the decision based on what YOU want to do, after all , it was YOU who was attacked.

Justforlaughs · 01/01/2014 13:04

I don't know who you are going to visit, OP, but their reaction when they see your face might tell you all you need to know. Report it, and do it asap. The sooner the better.

Wingdingdong · 01/01/2014 13:06

P.s. many years ago I called the police on a friend's behalf, after she phoned me in tears telling me her boyfriend had been hitting her. She wouldn't come to stay with me, but went back to him. The police got involved, they did break up. She then didn't talk to me for 2 years, blaming me for the fact that if I hadn't called the police she'd never have known about his cocaine use and previous convictions for GBH. Then one day she phoned me saying the ex had just been arrested for murder of his new girlfriend.

Be prepared for some fallout with your friend, she'll probably seek to defend him or be upset with you for 'damaging' her relationship. But know that in the long term, it's the right thing to do and one day she will see this.

DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2014 13:06

I don't agree that the friendship is over RedHelen, it might be just what the OP's friend needs, someone else to step in and remove the secrecy. OP, you could be the best friend this woman ever has, the one who helps her see she doesn't have to put up and shut up about her abusive DH. It might take her a while to see it, but she will.

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 01/01/2014 13:09

I was in a relationship with an abusive man. I was reluctant to call the police and avoided doing it al long as I could. Eventually a friend called them when she heard him threatening me. I found out that day that it wasn't the end of the world that the police were called. It also made me see the abuse through others' eyes. He wasn't even being that bad, that day.

Also, although I didn't want my friend to call the police, that she called them that day made it easier for me to call them when I needed to. I didn't thank her then. but I do now. The police were called several times after that (mostly by me) before I managed to rid myself of him, but every time made it a step closer.

Please report this. She needs your help, and this is something you can do to help, even if she may not see it now.

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 01/01/2014 13:12

Sorry I should clarify! By "He wasn't even being that bad, that day." I mean relative to his behaviour on other days. It was bad though, and seeing the police take it seriously helped, in the long run.