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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want more sex

524 replies

Billiam · 01/01/2014 10:52

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

OP posts:
puzzleduck · 02/01/2014 18:28

I always wonder if there is something wrong with me.

I told him on NYE we have to start sleeping in the same room, so he did. The next night he was back in the other room.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so bloody confusing. Why cant they just TELL US what is wrong.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 18:28

If you really don't have any interest in sex to the point that you identify as asexual, I suppose you would be defensive about it.

They couldn't see how pairing up with a partner who is sexual was selfish of them, which I believe it is. So obviously I didn't stick around that forum for long Grin

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 18:29

I always wonder if there is something wrong with me.

Have you had many other partners before him?

I've not had many, but enough to know logically, that there's nothing 'wrong' with me on that level.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 18:31

Sorry for the multiple posts, just had to answer this:

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so bloody confusing. Why cant they just TELL US what is wrong.

For them, they don't feel there is anything wrong. This is their 'normal'.

Although, in our sexualised culture, I find it hard to believe that they are oblivious to their low sex drive. Hmm

puzzleduck · 02/01/2014 18:33

I only had one before I married. I know logically there's nothing wrong but I cant help thinking it.

puzzleduck · 02/01/2014 18:36

Wombles,
We used to do it loads but the last 5 years it just stopped.
Do they all do it a lot and then dry up?
Have they got on/off switches?

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 18:36

I only had one before I married. I know logically there's nothing wrong but I cant help thinking it.

I know what you mean. The cause of this problem is so nebulous, that we look down all avenues for an answer.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/01/2014 18:38

I get hen peck kisses too.
And I'm only 30 puzzle Hmm

This thread is kind of making me want to talk to my husband about it again. We sometimes sleep in separate rooms but only if he is snoring and keeping me awake. At least when I'm in bed alone it allows he to 'relieve my own frustrations'. I find regular masturbation helps - it keeps me distracted from addressing the real issue.

Purplemonster · 02/01/2014 18:38

I agree that it's nice to know that I'm not alone with this, the only person I've been able to confide in in RL is my Mum who just tells me to LTB. All these feelings of there being something wrong with ME, of my self esteem being slowly crushed under the weight of all that rejection and now I find that there are other people who feel exactly the same, somehow it is comforting.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 18:39

puzzleduck Did you see the wikipedia link I posted? There are three types of low sex drive:

Lifelong/generalized: The man has little or no desire for sexual stimulation (with a partner or alone) and never had.

Acquired/situational: The man was previously sexually interested in his present partner but now lacks sexual interest in them but has desire for sexual stimulation (i.e. alone or with someone other than his present partner.)

Acquired/generalized: The man previously had sexual interest in his present partner, but lacks interest in sexual activity, partnered or solitary.

My DH has the first type. It sounds like your DH has the 3rd type.

Here's the link again.

When you used to have sex, was it decent sex? Does your DH have any religious history?

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 18:40

This thread is kind of making me want to talk to my husband about it again. We sometimes sleep in separate rooms but only if he is snoring and keeping me awake. At least when I'm in bed alone it allows he to 'relieve my own frustrations'. I find regular masturbation helps - it keeps me distracted from addressing the real issue.

I could have written that.

Masturbation IS my sex life.

Joysmum · 02/01/2014 18:42

Trouble is, most of us don't know what the route of a problem is, only that there is a problem. That's why counselling is so useful in so many situations.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 18:45

All these feelings of there being something wrong with ME, of my self esteem being slowly crushed under the weight of all that rejection

I mentioned up thread that my DH and I had started sex therapy a few weeks ago. After each session you get 'homework' which is generally to be intimate without touching genitals. I have discovered something strange about myself, perhaps it applies to many of you also...

Whenever we have scheduled a homework session, I feel really tense, almost scared. I go through with it, but find it incredibly hard to enjoy it. It's almost like, over the years I have slowly lowered my own sex drive as a kind of defence mechanism - a defence to all the rejection. I told this to the sex therapist and he said it was plausible but could be reversed.

TheButterHalf · 02/01/2014 18:50

Hi Folks,

An interesting conversation, my long suffering wife would agree with tons of points made on this thread

To be fair, the reality is if left to my own devices years would and have passed and it would rarely enter my head to be intimate with my wife, all the time the only reason why I would have a clue anything was wrong would be down to the usual arguments or media portrayals of what a typical bloke is supposed to be like. There is absolutely no malicious intent in my lack of libido, I love my wife dearly and wholeheartedly, if not whole-bodily.

I am at the start of a course of sexual therapy which is part of mental health care on the NHS, waiting times are very long and we have waited years to see a professional counsellor. However I have some hope that this counselling will improve the level of intimacy in our marriage, and enable me to be a bit more 'normal'.

Thanks Billiam for your honest post

Writerwannabe83 · 02/01/2014 18:51

wombles - I think my husband knows how much I masturbate and I do wonder if it hurts his feelings as he knows I have a need that isn't being met. Even if we are in the same room I wait until he falls asleep and then off I go. I'm pretty sure I've woken him on some occasions and I do feel bad, but part of me just thinks, "If your pride is being hurt then do something about it and do to me what you're supposed to - otherwise, you're just going to have to accept it!"

Snog · 02/01/2014 18:52

I'm not sure that turning down "pity" sex is for the best...the less sex I have the less I want and the more sex I have the more I want!

If a couple is mismatched on sex drive and one or both is unhappy then surely it make sense if you love your partner to try to improve the situation? I would find an unwillingness to address the cause of unhappiness in a partner to be a deal breaker even if the mismatched sex drive was not.

Mismatched sex drive isn't really a problem that either of the individuals in a couple has, its a problem that belongs to both of you, surely? So neither is "to blame" imo and whatever is "normal" doesn't really matter...all that matters is that you can both be happy together in your own way.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/01/2014 18:57

Re Pity Sex - knowing my husband is forcing himself to have sex with me just because he doesn't like to see me cry is not the kind of sex I want. I want sex that he wants too. How can you expect any woman to want and enjoy sex with a man when she knows he is only doing it with her under duress and out of guilt? Not exactly a lovely scenario.....

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 18:58

Even if we are in the same room I wait until he falls asleep and then off I go.

I find it difficult to do it 'on the sly' when he's in the same room. Kudos to you though!

Anyway, I'm sure your DH would prefer you self pleasuring than another man pleasuring you.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 19:00

I'm not sure that turning down "pity" sex is for the best...

It's hard to enjoy sex when you know your partner isn't. KWIM?

Mismatched sex drive isn't really a problem that either of the individuals in a couple has, its a problem that belongs to both of you, surely?

I agree. So, in my scenario, should I be lowering my drive and DH increasing his? If only it were that simple.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 19:01

What Writerwannabe83 said.

TheButterHalf · 02/01/2014 19:08

Writerwannabe83 it is hard not to feel guilty for not 'pleasuring' my wife, I am relieved she regularly masturbates and lets me know, I would feel way worse if I thought she was going without completely because of me. Not that its a comfortable conversation

JadziaSnax · 02/01/2014 19:08

Seconded what Writerwannabe said. Thanks for the link womblesofwestminster, will have a good read of that.

JadziaSnax · 02/01/2014 19:09

Or thirded!

ChrisTheSheep · 02/01/2014 19:12

Yes, what Writerwannabe83 said. I don't want to feel that I'm coercing him.

In answer to earlier questions, yes it was noticeably better in the early days, though getting married seemed to scupper that (he has actually said that "you respect your wife, you don't do dirty things with her"), and getting pregnant for the first time really put the nail in the coffin as he didn't want to have sex in case it traumatised the baby (he's a scientist, and admits that this was totally irrational). After the baby, I had pretty bad PND, which went on for the best part of two years: the lack of intimacy didn't help with that, I think.

And yes, masturbation is pretty much my sex life too. If I didn't have a collection of toys, I don't think I'd ever have an orgasm!

TheButterHalf · 02/01/2014 19:18

Writerwannabe83, are you sure your partner is not enjoying it? Just because it is much more of a challenge than it 'should' be doesn't mean we don't enjoy it. If I actually make it all the way to orgasm myself I love it, if my wife orgasms even better, it still feels like climbing Everest and I find it difficult not to start very nervously( which is such a turn on? a nervous bloke is something you never see on the tele ) but that is something completely different to enjoying it or not