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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want more sex

524 replies

Billiam · 01/01/2014 10:52

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

OP posts:
lotsofcheese · 02/01/2014 19:19

I hate to think of the answer as to why he doesn't want to have sex with me Hmm I don't think I could even ask the question.

When we met, I was a bubbly single, size 8, gym bunny. Now I'm 3st heavier, a size 14. He prefers slim women. I just don't think he fancies me any more. I don't think I could bear to hear him say that.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 19:25

I don't want to feel that I'm coercing him.

I agree. I find it demeaning to be on the receiving end of pity sex. Quite soul destroying actually. And for the man I guess it's almost like a prostitute has to force herself to have sex with her clients, and has to smile throughout.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 19:26

you respect your wife, you don't do dirty things with her

Hmmmm, is he religious?

ChrisTheSheep · 02/01/2014 19:29

Wombles: oh, yes! Irish Catholic: there's a ton of guilt going on there. I realise there's very little I can do to address that, which is why I had high hopes for the counselling. As he doesn't see the lack of sex as a problem, the counselling isn't going to happen. So it's all a bit of a vicious circle!

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 19:31

Question for you guys, prompted by TheButterHalf's post:

When you DO manage to have sex, does your DH climax?

ChrisTheSheep · 02/01/2014 19:33

Yes: every time. It's the old chestnut "it's not sex if the man doesn't come"...

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 19:34

Why won't he get counselling ChrisTheSheep? Even just 'to shut you up'. The fact he's unwilling is curious. Is he a good DH in other ways? Does he normally shrug off your feelings?

Writerwannabe83 · 02/01/2014 19:36

butterhalf - when me and DH do have sex it is fantastic, very hot, passionate, frantic, I have absolutely no complaints at all in that department. We both always orgasm and there is never any doubt that it's something we are both enjoying and eager about!!

It's just getting him to do it in the first place that's the problem....

Snog · 02/01/2014 19:37

If you say yes to "pity" sex firstly your dh may enjoy it to some degree or may at least enjoy giving you pleasure and secondly it may act to increase their sex drive - that is what I am trying to say.

Solving a problem of mismatched sex drives doesn't simply mean having less sex than one of you wants and more sex than the other one wants. It's about working together to find a solution - your example solution sounds superficial and like an answer for 2 individuals not for a couple. Working to understand each other's sexuality on a deeper level and investigating physical issues without being on different sides to each other or blaming an individual is more what I mean. Also moving through the feelings of rejection. This is often a deeply painful feeling and can undermine self esteem, yet probably your partner's behaviour in turning down sex is not intended to cause pain to you.

If your relationship is strong in other ways then it is likely to be strong enough to open the door to working on issues around sex imo. IF it sounds too difficult why not both have your own counselling to help you work things through?

ChrisTheSheep · 02/01/2014 19:39

He's a lovely husband, but he's a bit of an Uncle Quentin type: he's mainly wrapped up in work, and spent a lot of time living a fairly bachelor-ish existence (even when he was in relationships) before we met. He has said several times that he wishes we had met earlier before he was so set in his ways.

To be fair to him he has made enormous strides in the time we've been together, especially for DS1 though also for me, but I think outsiders would see him as very self-absorbed. It's not malicious, it's just the way he is.

ChrisTheSheep · 02/01/2014 19:39

Sorry, that was in response to Wombles

BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/01/2014 19:40

Winter that is my experience too - its amazing when we do, we are playful and passionate and both enjoy it all, we say how we need to do this more often.. then another couple of months go by :(

it makes the whole thing even harder to understand from my point of view - frustrating as hell!

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 19:47

probably your partner's behaviour in turning down sex is not intended to cause pain to you.

Maybe, but suppose I decide NEVER to clean the house. My intention would not be to cause distress to DH, but the result would.

hugoagogo · 02/01/2014 19:54

I would agree with snog, I know it doesn't sound very appealing having sex if you think the other person is in anyway 'forcing' themselves. But I think it's a case of 'fake it til you make it' the more sex you have the more you want, just as not having sex can become a habit so can having sex.

We have had periods when sex is a rare occurrence, the way it changed was by both of us making a concious decision to be nicer to each other, which meant lots of cuddling in bed.
We never spoke about having more sex as such, just reconnecting. A side effect has been that we end up having sex a lot more.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/01/2014 19:58

'probably your partner's behaviour in turning down sex is not intended to cause pain to you.'

now you see I have explained in depth what our sex life has done to me - the total loss of confidence, the nights spent sobbing while he sleeps, feelings of failure, shame, self hatred... generally driving me up the bloody wall! My DH adores me, he really really does and hearing this breaks his heart, (so I get to add guilt to that list!) He just seems incapable of doing much about it... after of course the offer of pity sex immediately after discussion and the promise of everything changing after we have DTD.

With all that in mind, him loving me and knowing that this is causing me pain - why does he not do anything about it?? If I knew something I was doing/not doing was causing him this level of distress I would be moving heaven and earth to do something about it... he doesn't. its just another part of the betrayal in my mind :(

puzzleduck · 02/01/2014 19:59

In healthy relationships we feed each other. We share energy. One of us might be feeling down and the other can encourage us and say things to support us which can bring us up. Other times we are the ones helping and encouraging the other. It is a give and take energy exchange that is mutually beneficial for a healthy relationship.
There have been times years ago when I didn't want to do it but I did because he wanted to .......why is it men just decide not to?
I think some men get off on the control, I think my DH does. Perfect life on the outside etc and they know we cant tell anyone because its so embarrassing

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/01/2014 20:03

I think butter is making a fantastic point- he's not gay and he does love his wife, and I second that. When I went through a long period of feeling like that, the thought of snogging or sex turned my stomach. But the problem was with my hormones and mental state. When I corrected that, my sex drive returned. The same could be true of all 'asexual' men and women. Except the ones who are actually gay of course Smile

maleview70 · 02/01/2014 20:04

Some men withhold sex on purpose to have the effect that it is clearly having on some on here. It is controlling behaviour.

Could that apply to any of you or are the relationships generally good bar the obvious?

Me and my DW don't have much sex either and to be frank we are both to blame. Get out of the habit and weeks can pass by.

I was brought up in a very cold house with little love between often rowing parents and find intimacy doesnt come naturally for me. My wife was brought up thinking sex was something that only bad girls did before marriage (strict catholic mother) so maybe that explains it a bit on both sides. There are often reasons for everything that don't neccesarily involve low testosterone.

Anyway hope it gets better for everyone.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/01/2014 20:06

I know what you mean about the perfect life on the outside - I think his friends would be absolutely gob smacked if they knew the truth about our sex life. My DH is a very confident man, likes to be 'one of the lads' and has that cheeky chappy aspect to his character....to outsiders he probably seems to be the perfect contender for a "Who has the best sex life?" competition. His mates probably think we are at it all the time. Sometimes when we are out as a group and general banter is being thrown around my DH likes to imply we have a hot sex life etc and he's "all man" and it takes all my energy not to shout out the truth!!

Annabelamie · 02/01/2014 20:06

I'm in the same boat as some of you. Question to guys: if you don't really want it, does it repulse you or just indifferent? Do you get turned on by other things/porn? Or bit at all?
I've given up turning on my husband. I could cook dinner half naked and my DH would probably assume I had no clean clothes Sad
When we do it, it's fine, bit run of the mill, and I can tell he would take it or leave it. I'd do anything to feel desired again.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/01/2014 20:09

We have a great relationship in every other way, perfect I would say in how we treat each other, love each other, care for, protect, encourage and look after each other - it is just this one area!

We both had a healthy sex life pre relationship (both a little more than healthy Grin ) and our early days were great - then it started to dwindle, now its the elephant in the room...

Writerwannabe83 · 02/01/2014 20:10

I empathise anna - I will purposefully walk around naked and he doesn't even glance up Sad I just want him to look at me and want me. He is always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am......so why doesn't he act like it???

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 20:11

the nights spent sobbing while he sleeps

Been there. Bad times :(

There have been times years ago when I didn't want to do it but I did because he wanted to .......why is it men just decide not to?

I feel your frustration, but I don't think it's a gender thing. Some women refuse sex too.

Perfect life on the outside etc and they know we cant tell anyone because its so embarrassing

This is v.true. I suppose keeping it a secret leaves the man less inclined to address the issue.

puzzleduck · 02/01/2014 20:13

There does come a point when you think that "this" is all you have to look forward to. I cant imagine how it will be when the children leave home.
I dont want to live a celibate life anymore BUT I also dont want to destroy my kids life.

womblesofwestminster · 02/01/2014 20:15

my DH likes to imply we have a hot sex life etc and he's "all man" and it takes all my energy not to shout out the truth!!

That would boil my piss!!! Do you ever confront him about it afterwards?

I will purposefully walk around naked and he doesn't even glance up

Yup. This is not good for the self-esteem of any woman post-babies. :(

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