To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

Thequeen- could you buy the book mentioned above?

Hi Inspace -looks like I'm gona have to but Amazon already knows too much about me
The funny thing is some friends bought me a book called How to Drive your Man Wild in Bed for a joke engagement present -he found it and told me I didn't need it -how things change .

Haha- that's the problem with Amazon- it would probably broadcast your purchase on Facebook or something!

I know what you mean about pity sex writer. I don't want that and that's the exact wording that I used when I last tried to broach this subject to DH. I just want to feel desired and attractive and right now, I don't.

Thank you all for talking about this. I feel better for airing it. It has helped me focus on why it upsets me and also it has made the loneliness much more bearable. Who knows where this goes for me now, but I feel better able to cope with wherever it is. May I just say that it has also been a welcome change from many MN threads for being compassionate and not judging of either me or my other half. I think I need to stop posting now though. I am sure some of you will want to keep going. Good luck.

Good luck to you too

Good luck, Billiam: I really, really hope things get better for you both.

It was pretty brave of you to start this thread and I am glad you have. I have wanted to talk about this and thought about starting a thread myself but didn't know how. Thanks for sharing this, I can really relate to so much of what you have said. It has helped to know my own feelings are not irrational.

Just wanted to say thank you, Billiam, for writing this post. As a direct result my partner and I have spoken about the issue again for the first time in months.

Oh, and with reference to the subject in the media, I remember Stephen Fry wrote an article years ago about his dislike of sex and how he'd been celibate for the previous 4 years.

I actually asked my husband if he was gay during one argument - and I said it seriously too. He wasn't impressed. I probably shouldn't have said it but I was irrational and angry!

I cant believe I am writing my innermost secret on the internet, but I am in the same boat......for 5 years (sobs uncontrollably) Ive not told anyone as its so upsetting.
I did get drunk a while back and he took advantage of me but that was the only time.
I have had lots of men come onto me recently, its so not fair, I dont want another man. What is wrong with my DH?
We dont even sleep in the same room and I know hes not having an affair.
I just feel trapped...this is not the life I wanted.
He is really lovely to me but not in the way I want.

Re: telling people IRL, I've told my best friend. She didn't have much to say other than "I'm surprised you've put up with it for that long".

Re: asking if he was gay. Yup, I've done that. It was (and still is, to an extent) a very real fear of mine. I don't think IWBU to ask.

Oh puzzleduck - how come you don't even share a room? Do you have any affection? Kisses and cuddles etc?

Writers, I've done the same. For a very long time I wondered if he might be gay and in denial about it. To be honest, now, I think his lack of interest in sex ingrained in some way. I'm not sure there's anything I could do to get him interested: magically turning into a hot young woman wouldn't cut it, but I don't think turning into a hot young man would do it either! Like others, I've given up trying to initiate anything as I get so fed up with the constant rejection.

To be honest, now, I think his lack of interest in sex ingrained in some way

Perhaps the term 'asexual' is appropriate to describe our blokes?

I'd also like to add my thanks to Billiam for starting the thread: I'm really sorry to hear that so many other people are in the same sort of situation, but it is a bit of a relief to know I'm not alone.

I did wonder that, Wombles!

Yes, he cuddles and kisses (well pecks, like a hen) but nothing else.
Its gone past the point of return I think. Im not even 40 :(

I once joined an Asexual forum, to see what it was all about. I have to say, I found the people on there very defensive and unwilling to make compromises.

pecks, like a hen

:( Yup. Like he's kissing his mother? No tongues? Not even lingering. Just a one second peck.

What on earth is going on?!!

Puzzles, Wombles, my DH won't kiss either! Pecks on the cheek/lips, but no actual kissing, so to speak. He says he "doesn't like it". I have no idea why, but this seems to be a common theme.

Meanwhile, he will waffle on about liking "the closeness of sex" when, actually, if it does happen it is all about me doing the work and him lying back and having his fun (presumably).

If you really don't have any interest in sex to the point that you identify as asexual, I suppose you would be defensive about it.

I think I'm being harsh and unfair towards my DH but he's so clever in so many ways.

Chris, same here. Have you ever been the one lying back having fun?

I've just googled "frigid men" and it came up with "Hypoactive sexual desire disorder"

Here's the Wikipedia page. Worth a look.

He says he "doesn't like it".

Have you asked him why?