To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

DH is suggesting trying for DC3: I suspect he just fancies one last fling...

Another couple of nights of rejection. I had hoped for sex because we are off work and less tired. But no. We talked about it again for umpteenth time. DH said what we were facing was typical. Of course, he said we could not be like we were in our early days. If we split up he said he would probably be much keener with someone new and so would I. But that was not the choice he wanted to make. I said that what we was saying was sensible. But on reflection this is just not the way I feel. I want our sex life to be like it used to be. I am very willing and able for it to be so. And I want him, not someone else. Not just sex with anyone. I feel so trapped by my love for him and my desire for sex with him which is just not being fulfilled. I feel anger and resentment towards him which I know makes me cruel to him emotionally.
Oh God how is this my life?

I think you should see someone, a counselor etc. I think infrequent sex isn't an issue as long as it's okay with both parties, but it very clearly is not okay with you.

Told my DH what I felt this morning. Ie that I want our old sex life back, but that I know he does not feel that is realistic. Managed not to have a row, but I know he feels under attack. I explained that I believed his feeling was not unusual or bad. If anything it is me who is unusual. I feel better for managing for once to explain how I feel without rancour and without sparking a row.
Maybe this will make it all easier for me to live with.
I can't deny though that it still hurts that he does not feel the same as I do. It's a bit like being in love with someone who does not requite. (Though I know he does love me.) But the feeling is similar. I want him sexually more than he wants me. Ouch.

Same here. Have not DTD since DD was conceived, almost 18 months ago.

After years of talking about it, always me initiating, I have given up. He says he is not happy with our lack of sex life, but never does anything to improve it, or even talk about it.

I have concerns about the future of our relationship; I feel the lack of intimacy & there will be a crunch time in the future where our relationship is so undermined by it that it may not survive.

We were like bunnies in the beginning, so it's not always been like this.

Agree with CheerfulYank re the counsellor: I honestly think talking about it in a neutral environment with a third party would help (I'm sure it would help us if DH would agree). Ultimately it's about finding a compromise that you can both live with. I'm really sorry you're feeling so awful about this, OP, but you can see from this thread that you're not alone.

Billiam it is just as you describe, because even though you know he loves you, there is a constant rejection of you in an area which is important to you. I haven't articulated that well but that's how I feel too.

Billiam it is just as you describe, because even though you know he loves you, there is a constant rejection of you in an area which is important to you. I haven't articulated that well but that's how I feel too.

I think I have started this thread in the wrong place. Should have been relationships, but I think I am happy in this topic - threads on relationships always seem so charged with anger and though I do feel that, I think it is not the key to my problem.
I am starting to think my marriage has drained my self -esteem. At the start I was confident. DH genuinely had low self-esteem when younger about his attractiveness and his intelligence, unwarranted because he is a gorgeous and bright person. I actually thought it was my role as someone who loved him to help him find that self-esteem. I don't know if I have helped him. Sometimes yes at other times no.
But I think now that perhaps by failing him at times quite badly over the 15 years - during a bereavement in his family and my own generally crap behaviour at times - I have disappointed myself.
But I think the sex thing has also eaten away at me over the years. It has not been good for ages and my statement that it was a problem of the last 2 years was a bit of an understatement.
At our wedding FIL said to me that what he thought killed most marriages was when one partner lost interest sexually. I don't know whether it was a warning to me or a warning about DH. It was said gently, almost humorously, but it made me wonder even then. I told DH at the time and he laughed and said: "he should have directed that at me." He said this because our sex drives we already slightly mismatched even then.
But somehow, even knowing this, my own self-regard has diminished by lack of DH's sexual interest. I put on weight in recent years and DH often commented, though always in a friendly jovial way. But it hurt so much. I have since lost weight and can get back into clothes I wore 20 years ago, but I am afraid it is too late.
I now feel weak and shallow and I hate myself for the resentment I feel and how it sometimes emerges.
I still love him so much. We have a DC who is fabulous. Why can I not be happy with what I have? We all have to make compromises in life, but I feel so weak because I find this one (not much sex) so hard to accept.
Sorry to ramble on.

Billiam/SugarMice - I could have written both of your posts. It's not just about the intimacy, it's the constant rejection that's so hard to live with. DH is such a lovely man and we're on the same wavelength about everything except sex.

I don't have any suggestions unfortunately, I'm hoping to find some good ideas here. I wish I had an answer too

I am increasingly of the view that there is no "solution". Why should there be?
There are in this world various levels of libido, some low some high. There are also people who would want to have lots of sex with me and others who would have less (or none). I have fallen in love and married someone who because of a combination perhaps of low sex drive and only modest physical attraction to me does not want to have much sex. And I don't want my other half to have sex when they don't want to just in order to keep everything else in their life and our marriage. In an odd way that would be like asking DH to prostitute himself.
I want him to want me more than he does, but that is largely unchangeable.
Perhaps the thing to aim at is not more sex, but more personal strength to accept the choices we have made. I personally feel I have no other option. I do not want to live without him.

Well feedback on my attempt, sorry but I really need a rant, I went to bed crying last night. Yesterday I tried to talk about it. He promised we would DTD after he had a bath. Then he was all clean so we would DTd at bedtime. Then at bedtime he wanted to stay up and watch something else so he would set his alarm so we could DtD before I leave for work. Did he wake up? NOPE. Do you know what I really hate? It's the feeling I am nagging for something that should be a normal part of a relationship. If you don't want sex then fine say that, if I'm unattractive then tell me, but don't make promises and schedule in sex like its some kind of chore you need to get out of the way. I'm so sick of feeling like some kind of sex pest. Grrrr

Prettykitty sorry you had such a bad night last night.

Billiam - more personal strength is what I'm aiming for too I guess. I'd rather have DH who despite his lack of interest in sex is right for me in every other way, than a wonderful, fulfilling sex life combined with a mismatch in other areas. There is no 'right' amount of sex to be having per se, as the sex drive depends so much on the individual. I need to make my peace with that. Perhaps with a baby here it'll be easier, or I'll notice the lack of sex less and it'll even out our sex drives a bit.

Prettykitty. I go to sleep crying sometimes too. Sometimes I can't hide how sad I am and that hurts my other half and I feel like shit.

How's this - perhaps we have to see that our other halves feel shit too. The feeling that "I am not what they want" must be mutual to some degree. If it wasn't and DH was so unfeeling then a big decision would be easier. For me though I know DH loves me dearly and it upsets him that I am unhappy. So maybe I should him as compromising too - loving someone who is manifestly dissatisfied. It is still so hard though. Sorry just thinking aloud.

I've been reading with interest - thought I'd add my situation/view (For completeness, I'm a man).

Been married ~20 years and our marriage has been virtually sexless since DS2 arrived 15 years ago. I'd say an average of twice a year in the last decade, now down to nil. I'd like to have sex with my wife. I'm realistic, we won't ever be at it like we were when we first met, but once a month?

Basically, I am the only one who initiates sex and after continuous rejection (not necessarily vicious, but definite, eg on snuggling up in bed "don't bring that near me!" or "Oh god" in despairing tones) for many years I don't bother . . . . and to be honest after so long being celibate I don't really know how to!

A final thing: when discussing this a few years ago, my DW said to me that I should just "slap her on the bum and say roll over" on occasion when I wanted sex. I really can't bring myself to do that - I only want to have sex with her if she wants to as well.

There are solutions though. I've had problems with low libido for years. And my DH doesn't have a high libido either, so we were going for years without it. Although we jogged along alright I felt like something was really missing. So I tackled it. I am now on anti depressants for my anxiety which has helped a lot, and I had a frank discussion with hubby where I said if he didn't show me he desired me, then what sort of marriage is that? He said he does still desire me, so I said show it then! He will now come and cuddle me, pinch my bum, kiss my neck.... He made a conscious decision to do it, and I do the same, and we both enjoy it! And it often leads on to other things. Much better all round. There is often something underlying it- anxiety, depression, low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, and really the man should be at least willing to look into finding a solution, if they want a marriage, so same way I looked into solutions for my libido problems.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, it is possible to bring real intimacy back, but only if you are both willing to work at it.

ChrisTheSheep my DH hasn't want to do it since my pregnancy showed either.

Annoying because he did want to in the first three months when I was too sick to contemplate the idea.

Once I had got over the sickness and started to feel like sex again he went off it completely saying among other things he didn't want to hurt the baby. Confusing as we definitely did have sex past the first trimester with first baby on board.

So can safely say have not had sex since June 1st! Grrr...

I have spent a few nights silently crying myself after having had my advances rejected When I try and talk to him about it it always goes the same way, me making the same accusations, him making the same excuses and me ending up in tears. He then always tries to initiate sex as if he wants to prove to me that he is attracted to me, but pity sex (as I then see it) isn't what I'm after. When we do have our fights over it I can see that he hates how upset I am and admittedly, it must be hard for a male ego to think they aren't satisfying their wife/partner sexually - but we just go round and round in circles. On occasions that we do have sex we'd usually both lie there afterwards and talk about how much we enjoyed it and how much we need to 'get back in the habit' and make more of an effort to have regular sex but it never happens. It has been like this from the start of our relationship really, it isn't something that has necessarily worsened. About 6 months into the relationship I had suspicions about his sex drive and started questioning him and making comments about it etc - so I think this is just the way it is going to be. I would say that 90% of the time the sex is initiated by me, but at the same time, 90% of my attempted initiations are rejected in one way or another. I find it hard to listen to other women talk about their sex life at times I.e if they are having it a few times a week, because you can't help but think, "What is so wrong with me that my husband doesn't want sex with me at all?" The whole thing is very difficult and very irrational and unfortunately a topic that men just don't want to talk about it. It leaves us feeling confused, shitty and a little alone.

OP, thank you for making this thread. My DH has always had a low sex drive (we've been together for 10 years). Testosterone levels tested - normal. After 2 years on the NHS waiting list, we're finally doing sex therapy. The therapy appears to be unlocking some much-needed info. It seems that a lot of DH's issues are to do with his religious upbringing. A wonder if this is a common theme?

If I knew for a fact and we agreed we would never have sex again, that might be easier too for the emotional side of our marriage. But I worry that then I might feel freed and would stray. Then I know DH would be devastated - he has always said he would find that almost impossible to forgive and it would break his heart. Perhaps it would be easier if he left me. That would shatter my life, it would take me years to recover and in some ways I never would, but it would be a clean kill, not this death by a thousand cuts. And life would go on. Sorry still thinking aloud.

YANBU - it sounds a horrible situation. I would be hurt by him saying that you'd both be keener finding someone new tbh! It doesn't say much for his regard for the relationship.

You only live once and it sounds like he isn't willing to try. And I completely agree with the poster who says you shouldn't have to beg for what should be a normal part of a relationship.

I think the key is to tackle it without getting upset or accusing. Saying something like ' 'shall we try to get back to a normal sex life? Sometimes men don't want because of hormone problems or depression- do you think this could be an issue?' You know, that sort of thing

pity sex (as I then see it) isn't what I'm after.

Ack, same here It's half-hearted fumbling which just makes me feel uncomfortable not desirable. You can tell the genuine lust is not there.

Billiam have you actually told him this is such a serious issue you are thinking of ending your marriage? That might clarify his mind. Especially if he knows you still want and love him?