To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

[Caitlin95uk]

I just had to bring this thread back up because I found this when googling my problem.

Unlike many of you I'm 20, been with my boyfriend over a year and he's 21. I am going through exactly the same as people have mentioned in this thread.
I have that feeling of rejection and unloved.
He says he's stressed out by his job and things but It just seems a cop out as it's happened for 6/7 months and has changed jobs since then. Our life is stressful I will admit (moving house soon) but I am going through the same thing and my libido is unaffected.

I couldn't see if anyone else had mentioned this but I am currently going through a stage of completely disliking him touching me in anyway slightly sexual (even just holding my waist) as I can't deal with the feeling of being turned on and getting excited only to be let down. Again.
TMI warning but he's also quite big and the lack of sex means when we do have it on the rare occasion, it hurts and puts me off it.
This thread has made me realise how common it is.

[Biedronka]

• probably! not propbably - stupid fingers :)

[Biedronka]

I thought so witty as that's how I understand your earlier post and also as it would propbably have made me feel the same way too.

Yes please to a sex expert entering the thread :)

Sorry your Dh won't entertain counselling :(

I know how you feel with sex scenes etc - it's cringe worthy isn't it - I often look at dp and think what's going through his head, does he feel embarrassed by it, does he miss it or whatever.

I've 'joked' but really mean it many times that his late 60's, herbal viagra buying, parents have a better, healthier sex life than we do For some reason though, he doesn't find it too amusing :)

[WittyMonica]

That's exactly what I meant Biedronka it's not that I think he has to tell me everything about his past sexual history, but it just seemed oddly detached of him to not show interest in mine when I brought the subject up - almost impolite, like it doesn't interest him? But then sex doesn't interest him much at all, so that shouldn't be a surprise I suppose.

It seems like there might be something in the 'waking up and having unbridled sex in the night' phenomenon, as PPs have experienced it too. It seems they can lose their inhibitions and forget whatever it is that makes them not want sex. It'd be interesting if a sex expert came on this thread and explained it to us. I guess what I really want is someone to give a name to his problem, tell him he's not being fair or normal, and prescribe a cure. Which of course I know is not feasible. Anyway I mentioned counselling yesterday and he said a flat 'no'.

I am trying to concentrate on his many good points for now. He really is lovely in every other way and I could be much worse off I know. But some days it's really hard and I get really sad - a sex scene tv set me off yesterday. It's not right to feel uncomfortable watching tv sex when your husband's in the room, like he's my dad or something.

[Biedronka]

Not

Sorry you've experienced it too but hope your self esteem improved after leaving and that you're happy now.

I don't think Witty meant (please correct me if I'm wrong Witty) that her dh had a duty to tell her or ask her from a 'who's business' perspective.
She took offence to it as to her it was tied up with the lack of sex etc and in her mind meant - he doesn't care.
I mentioned previously - because of a mixture of frustration, rejection, hurt and anger, I'm guilty of irrational thinking/reasoning regarding my own dp's lack of actions - it may not make sense in reality but because of how I'm feeling, it makes sense to me at the time.
Hoping that this post actually makes sense :)

[NotNewButNameChanged]

WittyMonica said For example, recently there was something on tv about losing your virginity, and I asked him how old he was when he first had sex and what it was like; he replied that he couldn't really remember, that it was 'alright' and that was it: he didn't turn the question back to me as anyone else would. I remember that made me quite angry.

Sorry, but I'm a bloke. If my ex had ever asked me that question, I'm not sure I'd have answered it. If I had, I certainly wouldn't have asked my partner in return because, quite honestly, it's none of my business how and when they lost their virginity if I was well aware it wasn't with me. I don't think that's right at all, that "anyone else" would have asked the same back of you.

I also speak as someone whose ex-partner had a very low libido and refused to ever discuss it. After five sexless years I chose to leave, as my self-esteem was rock bottom and I felt totally and utterly rejected.

[Writerwannabe83]

Your story made for a really interesting read witty - it just shows how complex the issue is. It's interesting what you said about your husband being very private with his genitals as that is quite strange - despite the issues with our sex life my husband is always naked around me I.e before and after showers he will walk round with no clothes on, he doesn't mind me being with him if he's having a wee etc. I do wonder if there is a background reason for your husbands issues around this and if they play a part in why your sex life is as it is. Very interesting to read how he responded to the affair you had too, completely opposite to how a previous posters DH had responded when she'd had an affair - which was that he was very nonchalant about it. As crappy as it is that we are all in this situation and have to deal with these shitty feelings of rejection it really is fascinating to learn what goes on behind the closed doors of some people's marriages. Men not wanting sex is such taboo that it feels great to be able to talk about it.

There was a programme on the other night, which is on all week, calked '7 days of sex' where 14 couples are challenged to have sex every day for a week to try and solve some of their marital issues. Their marital problems aren't all about sex itself, just generally bring in ruts etc, but it's interesting to see just how uncomfortable some of the couples seem about having the sex. There is just an aura of bumbling awkwardness and nervousness, it doesn't happen naturally etc - and it seems to be more the men than the women that seem uncomfortable at the thought of sex.

[Pinkspottyegg]

The one time we had lustful, hot, wanton shagging was when DH woke during the night and we were at it like rabbits. He then went back to sleep immediately. It was like he was dreaming he was someone else. Methinks there are a lot of issues within him. I've also suspected that he might be on the spectrum somewhere and because he cannot join up his thoughts in an empathetic, normal way, this somehow impinges on how he views sex.

[Pinkspottyegg]

Hmm, did it last week, prior to that was summer holidays back in 2012 so regular for me is about every 18 months.
It's reassuring to read this thread. I read others who are at it 3 times a week and I just feel sad. I'm not wanting it that much to be honest but would like to feel attractive. My DH is a great guy, very fit but never been that sexual. He has difficulty maintaining an erection and used Viagra in the past. Things improved dramatically when we got married, I came off the pill and we were trying for kids. He said at the time it felt more special because we were "shagging for bairns" as he put it. But for me, it made me feel like a brood mare. Though it pains me to say, he's clumsy with it so even when we do have sex, he'll lean on my hair, or knee me in the stomach by accident then when I say ouch it puts him off. We just don't click harmoniously so in a way, it's better not doing it. Each time (every 18 months ha!) I feel slightly more distant. He's my second DH. The first wasn't up for it much either. So I get on with life and put this in a box with a lid on it. We have an into bed, read books, kiss goodnight sort of relationship. He's never looked at me ever and wanted to rip my clothes off. I just accept it now as too many other things in life are good to throw it all away for the sake of a shag. I've had my moments in the past so will live with those when I feel sad. Ho hum

[Biedronka]

Sorry you're going through it too witty
You are right it is so easy to feel bitter :(
I can't relate to what you say about your Dh hiding himself from you so can't offer anything there. My dp isn't bothered about letting his swing to and fro in front of me.
we've often done that in the night too - no words, nothing. Just started touching and then sex - then back to sleep :) I do believe it's because he doesn't have to think about it/psyche himself up iykwim.

Earlier on the thread we discussed losing our own libido as a defence mechanism - I strongly believe this. It's currently happening to me.

Nothing much has changed since I last posted except Dp must've been researching something himself as yesterday he said he will be going to the GP to check his testosterone, so that's something.

Hope everyone on thread is well Xx

[WittyMonica]

I have followed this thread with great interest. It's so good to know that other women are experiencing the same problems and frustrations as me. My god - the hen pecks! Yes! We even have a wedding photo where he is giving me one of these, he looks like he is kissing his grandma goodbye. I think I fit in the group of women here whose husbands have almost always had a low sex drive and problems with intimacy, but are in every other way perfect. I don't believe my DH has madonna/whore issues and I have never suspected him of being unfaithful - I am certain that would not interest him at all, in fact. He is lovely, kind, caring, a wonderful father, and I am convinced he loves me. He just doesn't want to have sex with me very much and this makes me so sad.


I have been with my DH since we were both about 20. I had had less sexual partners, I think, as he had a reputation as a 'Jack the lad' who had many drunken one night stands, but I had longer-lasting relationships that were more open and active sexually. I had always been able to discuss previous sexual experiences and talk about likes and dislikes with my other boyfriends, but with him this has always seemed taboo. He is uncomfortable with any discussion about sex (although he will deny this) and he won't look at me when I try to bring up anything to do with it, and tries to shut the conversation down by giving one word answers and not asking me any questions in return. For example, recently there was something on tv about losing your virginity, and I asked him how old he was when he first had sex and what it was like; he replied that he couldn't really remember, that it was 'alright' and that was it: he didn't turn the question back to me as anyone else would. I remember that made me quite angry.


When we do have sex it's usually really good, surprisingly given his lack of communication, though I think if it weren't for my openness and relaxed attitude it would be far worse. I noticed a problem way back in our relationship, when I was pregnant with our first child, and continuing after the birth. He just didn't seem interested that much, and certainly didn't want sex as often as me. It's been a bone of contention for so long now (20 years plus) and I dearly wish we'd sorted it out when it first started, by having counselling. But we are in a catch 22 situation, as our problem is that he is not very interested in sex and is very uncomfortable talking about it - so he definitely wouldn't consider talking to someone else about it. He can barely bring himself to talk about it with me!


We've always had sex on average of once a fortnight, I would say, although sometimes not for up to two months at a time (it's been that long now) and sometimes far more often, say if we go on holiday alone or if something happens that re-ignites his spark, such as when I bought some sex toys or when we started experimenting with bumsex, but these brief resurgences always pass, sadly, and we're back to where we started.


Our best sex, and when we felt the closest and he was most open and talkative about feelings etc, was during our hysterical bonding after I had an affair. The affair sex was rubbish, by the way, and I was not anything like as attracted to the OM, but he was attentive to me and obviously wanted me very much and this appealed to me after years of feeling like a sex pest and a nuisance, and I felt that DH wouldn't be that bothered if I had an affair anyway - I was wrong about that, he was very bothered, and we immediately started having frequent and amazing sex. I reminisce about it often, it was that good, but this only makes me feel even more sad that we once had sex like that and now we don't again, and his libido is the only reason we don't. It's easy to feel bitter.


Our situation has changed over the years as we've both aged, I'm disabled with MS and he's put on a lot of weight, although I find him as attractive as ever - more so, even. I am still able to have and enjoy sex despite my disability. He says he still finds me sexy and wants to have sex, but he's too tired/fat/got bad stomach/got to pick one of the kids up/got sore bum (he has a recurring abscess). He's always saying that things will change, he'll lose weight and be able to have sex more, tomorrow we'll go to bed early, he'll go to the doctors to talk about his testosterone levels/getting his abscess sorted (he does have an operation date but frankly, I don't see that as a magic cure for his low libido). I've asked him so many times if it's me, if it's because I've got older and fatter, if he sees me differently because I'm disabled now and he does a lot of looking after me. He says a vehement 'no' to all of these.


My DH has never had any ED when we do have sex. He says he never masturbates - and I believe him, because he used to tell me when he did (during hysterical bonding and when we were first together) and I encourage him to masturbate as it would boost his libido, and I tell him when I masturbate. He is not interested in porn (again, no reason for him to lie as I've asked him to watch it with me and enjoy it myself). I have thought of another couple of quirks and I wonder if any of you can identify - I have never seen DH's penis when it's not been erect. I have only ever seen it when we're having sex. At other times he is very private about it, won't let me walk in when he's in the shower or peeing etc. That's not normal, right? Also, there was a period for a few years when he used to wake me in the night for sex. We never talked, he just started touching me etc and it was like he was a different person, totally uninhibited and rampant, and I wonder if this is indicative of something? Maybe that he felt he was not himself, that he was freed from the person he was during the day? If that makes sense.


Lately, for the first time EVER, I have experienced a loss in my own libido. However, I want to want it, whereas I don't think he does. I think the constant rejection and putting me off to another day has finally started to get to me, and I don't feel assured in my own sexuality. I don't feel attractive anymore , partly because my illness makes me feel less feminine, but mostly because of how I feel he sees me. If he found me irresistible I would feel different I know. But lately I don't feel I even want to try and get him interested. Why should I? I want HIM to be trying to get me interested instead. I want to be the one who is being seduced, for him to be the dominant and active partner, as he was during hysterical bonding and when he used to wake me for sex in the night. He still is sometimes, but very, very rarely.


I can't see a solution to our mismatched libidos. I have begun to think that the answer lies with me learning to accept things the way they are, and forget about how good they were and could be still if he would only try.

[Writerwannabe83]

Maybe some ground rules need to be set...

Both parties should agree to make more of an effort to be generally affectionate with each other - I.e more hugs and kisses,random phone calls to each other just to say hello etc

Both parties should be able to feel comfortable about initiating sex without fearing the other partner's response.

If the man does not want to have sex that should be allowed and not questioned - however he must be honest about it as opposed to giving shitty excuses and rejection reasons. The woman will accept his decision and not put any pressure or project any ill feeling onto him.

However, at the end of every month the couple will sit down to purposefully discuss the issue and the guy cannot run away from this. The discussion will involve reflecting on the previous month, talking about any sex they did have, assessing if there has been any progress etc and then either setting new targets for the next month or deciding to seek outside help if needed.

[JadziaSnax]

He has acknowledged that there is a problem, he does play his cards close to his chest though. I'll try again to talk to him. Fingers crossed.

[nickymanchester]

Jadzia

he needs to work with me and be open, and bloody talk to me

Many men do have a real problem with talking about issues like this or even consciously acknowledging to themselves that the issue exists

[nickymanchester]

writer

^I wonder if that's why they aren't touching - because ironically enough they are nervous of our reaction??
We fear their response, they fear ours and so nobody takes action.
A potentially very vicious circle^

My dh has said that, when we were going through this, what you say was very much of an issue. One of the things that would hold him back was the knowledge that if he initiated sex then I would very probably want to talk to him about our issues instead. He was also afraid that when he couldn't give me any answers that I would get either angry or upset - and he's quite right, I would have.

[womblesofwestminster]

puzzleduck do you have kids?

I was just thinking, how much more difficult is it for men to talk about or even acknowledge that this is happening

Very true. DH acknowledges this. As has the sex therapist we are seeing (who happens to be a bloke).

[JadziaSnax]

I want to be vile to him at times but that's a reaction to how rejected I feel. OTOH, I do want to be supportive and for us to sort out any issues that we have around sex and intimacy.

I got knocked back again over the weekend. He's tried to start something tonight but I just don't want to know at the moment. I'm not even sure that I can carry on like this anymore.

I do feel that owe it to both of us to try everything that I can but he needs to work with me and be open, and bloody talk to me.

There's a good chance that he'll read this as I've not namechanged and he's already read the first few pages. cos I told him about this thread and that it's not just me

[JadziaSnax]

I wonder if it is some kind of defence mechanism. It would make sense. Not getting into it is a way of protecting yourself from yet another knock back and not showing any vulnerability.

Biedronka I hope that you can both have a heart to heart and that thinks improve for you.

I'm really surprised that there's so many of us in a similar situation. I've been feeling so alone with this for years

[Writerwannabe83]

I wonder if that's why they aren't touching - because ironically enough they are nervous of our reaction??

We fear their response, they fear ours and so nobody takes action.
A potentially very vicious circle.

[cherrytree63]

I've said the vilest things arguing with OH, things I'm ashamed of. But it got to the point where I just gave up apologising for my bad behaviour, I didn't care.
I didn't understand myself, so he never stood a chance of knowing what was going on in my head! I'd lie in bed tieing myself up in knots because he wasn't touching me, then biting his head off if he touched me.

[Writerwannabe83]

When is your baby due sugar?

I'm hoping to try and improve our situation before our baby comes - I don't know why though seeing as I doubt sex will be on my mind following the birth I'm thinking I just need to make some peace with it all so the resentment isn't there when the baby arrives, it will be one less thing to be worrying about.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

Biedronka sometimes harsh things need to be said. Good that you mentioned that thing about the anaesthetic - describes it very well. Talking about things is a start, hope things improve as a result, and maybe he will start considering the impact this is having on you, and taking it seriously. I can't even bring myself to talk about it with DH, apart from off-the-cuff comments about the lack of action, which he brushes off in complete denial about how infrequently we manage to DTD. It really is the elephant in the room. I'm looking forward to the distraction of a baby - I can put off worrying about this and bury my head in the sand for a few more months

[Writerwannabe83]

Biedronka - I can understand why you made the comment about wanking. You are angry and hurt and that causes us to say what's on our mind. It may have shocked him but I do think he needed to hear it because he needs to know what thoughts are going through your head. And as for 'elephant in the room sex', also known as pity/guilt sex, it's so hard to know how to react to it - how do we explain that in such circumstances we then don't want the one thing we are actually asking them for??! Headfuck is the perfect word for it!!

[Biedronka]

I'm sat here thinking that I don't actually fecking know what I want to happen.
If he comes out and says along the lines of
'I didn't realise this could happen, We'll make it better I promise'
Will I believe him? Probably not :(
Or if he tries it on further to make a point of doing 'it' (it's been known before) I don't think that I CAN react because in my mind he's only doing it because of the elephant in the room.
Arghh This is such a headfuck and a soul destroying cruel one at that.

[Biedronka]

I wish my brain was saying 'Wahey' Jadzia but it's just not anymore :(

I feel like I don't want to get too into the idea, in case he's not totally up for it.
Yeah, It's like trying to control the level of horniness, isn't it?
You don't want to feel up for the full works in case just a quicky is coming your way. Although up until a few days ago I'd of been happy for that.

Sugar I do think it is a genuine defence mechanism, I honestly don't know whether to feel glad or sad about it.
Bless you! NO it's not wrong to feel relieved, it's normal. I remember feel mega horny in my middle 3 months and absolutely disgusted by the idea from around 30 weeks :) (exH would have had his bits injured had he even tried) In just a few short weeks you'll have a newborn little lovely to distract you for a little while (Jealous much :) )

the less you have it, the less you want it agree!


So following on from last night - I knew he picked up that something was wrong.
He asked me what was wrong last night and why didn't I want sex . So I calmly told him that I'm sick of trying to make our sexual relationship work by myself. Also added what I'd said earlier about feeling I've had anaethetic injected somewhere and I'm just not feeling it. He has taken himself off to have a bath but looked a bit at me before going. but I think the straw that broke the camels back when I asked why the sudden concern now? and was he sick of wanking
That didn't go down well but TBH, I've had my fill of tippytoing around his feelings WTF about mine??
We'll see what happens when the (upto now 30 minute) bath is finished.