To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

Marking my place - mainly because I have suspicions that I am writing all these posts - or you have tapped into my subconscious - seriously this is my life in one thread!

Relationship practically perfect in every way (except sex!) CHECK
Have discussed, ranted, begged, cried etc to DH about situ CHECK
Feel rejected and self esteem damaged - constant 'what is wrong with me?' CHECK
DH who claims to love and adores me, and even desire me, just with mo inclination to do anything about it! CHECK

Ill add - feel utterly ashamed in RL that my DH doensnt want me when every other woman I know has to reject their partners advances and still DTD a few times a fuckin week!

... and one more: I don't need anymore intimacy - we cuddle and kiss and everything else... I want to FUCK!

Babydubs- if he is intimate with you then what happens if you initiate sex? Maybe he has low testosterone or depression?

Guys, seriously, BUY THIS BOOK

It will open your eyes to your man's low sex drive. It is the only book my sex therapist has recommended for this issue.

It's out of stock!! I wonder why?

haha just buy a used copy. It looks like there's some available.

He tired, has a headache, needs to do X first... always something, I don't initiate anymore, we have been together 8 years I stopped properly a few years ago.. no difference to the regularity as we only ever had sex when he wanted to and initiated rather than when I wanted to and initiated... boring as hell! He doesn't want an open relationship (I have had these quite successfully in the past) so I am supposed to just shut up and put up with a dissatisfactory sex life! once every 6ish weeks except in pregnancy - maybe once or twice in pregnancy.

I'm getting the book!

The book is a good idea!!

I think we should make this thread into a regular thread like the Stately Homes one. It's isolating being in our situation, yet there seems to be many of us.

I have just ordered a used copy of a sex book - is this how desperate I have become

inSpace thank you. We have been there though. DH even says he would like us to get back our sex life and has said so multiple times over the years. But it never materialises. He did initiate on holiday in the summer. But we had a row soon after, also initiated by DH and not about sex. But I still felt I was being made to pay back and he said some very hurtful things. I am afraid I became very upset and unreasonable. We have talked our way back to being loving and he has repeated how he wants to get it back. But still it never happens. We last DTD a month ago on my initiation. I don't think he really enjoyed it and attempts since have been rejected. I felt particularly sad on New Year's Eve. We stayed up late, but as usual when we did go to bed we had a cuddle, he said he was tired and then he watched DVDs until he went to sleep
I think he does want sex back, but only because I create the pressure and he would like to feel we did not have an issue. But not because he ever just wants to have sex with me.
Things have got better recently and we have DTD five times since summer. But it was well over a year before that and a year before that when we last did. We moved house over 2 years ago and we have had sex in our new bedroom 4 times (and sadly the rest of the house has gone unused in that department). He thinks I am weird because I am "keeping count" but it doesn't exactly take an obsessive or a genius to count to 4.
There you go, I am getting cross and resentful again.

He did initiate on holiday in the summer. But we had a row soon after, also initiated by DH and not about sex.

Do you think the row was a coincidence? I think not.

Just seen your last post inspace. Whatever impression I have given, I am not considering ending our marriage. I would prefer a sexless marriage to him than to lose him, though I fear for how hard that is to face. But there is absolutely no doubt in his mind about how strongly I feel.

Billiam. I know what you mean. I know he loves me and we are great together other than this one thing. When we do do it he always says afterwards we should do this more often I think life just gets in the way and days turn into weeks without him realising. I asked him to compromise and cuddle more and be more affectionate (both ways me too) without it having to lead anywhere. That might at least stop that little voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough. The frustrating thing is he used to be such a player before he meet me, all one night stands and short romances so I know he HAD the sex drive. I just need to help him re find it.
Writer everyone lies about their sex lives. All my friends think we DTD alot more than we do. It's ok to tell people on a forum I am having problems but if I told my RL friends about it they wouldn't believe me anyway. A survey a while back said everyone says twice a week,everyone means once a month....
I definitely agree about keeping this thread open, I'm so glad you started this billiam because now at least I don't feel it is just me out there on my own in the sex desert!

Billiam - what a difficult situation to be in and I'm sorry I can't add anything other than sympathy. You say DH loves you dearly as you do him. You say neither want the relationship to end. If this is the case, then with a strong living foundation then counselling would be hugely beneficial. I have read the thread but I'm not sure if it wax you or another who said DH wouldn't consider ? Can you explain how important it is, not do he ends up felling like he "has" to have more sex, but so you can both understand each others view points so he doesn't feel like he is letting you down. And you don't feel emotionally rejected by something he maybe cannot control.

I don't think that anyone should feel pressured to have sex just to satusfy another....but it equally isn't fair got one person to go without something as important as sex in a long term basis snd feel inadequate

. However I do think DH needs to understand consequences of his actions. If he doesn't want to have sex regularly, and once or twice a year is really not regular, and will not go to GP or counsellor, then there may come a time when either you may seek that comfort in another, or the emotional rejection will drive a wedge between you. Does DH understand how important this is to you ? Snd that in fact it is important to most people so you aren't being it in wanting this ?

I am not in your position, but reading this I am just wondering if you are still cuddly and affectionate with your dh?

Womble. No I did not feel row was coincidence. It felt like displaced emotion. it was not about sex at all and was v trivial matter, but it became a full shouting match. I backed down in the end because DS became aware and was upset. DH has apologised profusely since (and I have done similar things over our years together) but the whole episode sent me off into a lot of irrational scrutinising of DH psychology.
There are no religious issues in his background. In fact he had slept with more people than me when we met, about 2 maybe 3 times as many. In fact he averaged more people a year in his early adulthood than we now have sex just between us in the same time span. Which is another bit of my weird arithmetic which I find upsetting. I don't think badly of his past, though I think he thinks I do. (I slept with fewer people but I was a little less honourable in my behaviour, so I would be a terrible hypocrite.)

I'm in this situation, too, but I think I caused it. At the start of our relationship, we would have sex. My DH always initiated it. I discovered fairly quickly that his idea of sex was penetration with an orgasm for the man. I had a fairly conservative background, but I'd always had mutually satisfying sex, so it was a complete turn off to learn that sex with him would make him happy and leave me frustrated.

With all the optimism of youth and having previously been with emotionally mature partners that would talk about feelings and sex and whatnot, I tried to talk to him about it. He came up with a number of responses, from, 'but I thought women didn't get anything out of sex' to 'but I thought all women orgasmed via penetrative sex'. I think he was trying to find the thing that would bring the conversation to a close. Once he realised he would have to make an effort in bed, the times we actually had sex per month went into single figures, then hit zero.

At the weekend, the fact that we had not had sex for 18 months suddenly really got to me, and, rather unwisely, after nearly a bottle of wine I raised it with him. He was fairly jovial about it, the discussion was fairly jovial. The next morning he kissed me, put a condom on and, well, 'made good progress', as my driving instructor would have said. It was good for him. I somehow felt I'd been taught a lesson. I think it's put me off sex for a good while.
God, I could cry.

We talked about counselling or therapy in the autumn. We even had a first meeting booked with relate, then cancelled. It was more or less mutual, and I know I had pushed for it he would have agreed. But we felt at that moment that we were in the middle of working things through and bringing in someone else would be going back to square one. Perhaps we were wrong.

purr - I'm a bit confused by your post, are you saying you felt your husband forced sex on you?

No. Not really. In our discussions about sex I've talked to him about foreplay and about orgasms and different things he could do, if he wanted to, so that we both enjoyed ourselves. But this was just a snog and then straight away he was putting a condom on and off we went. And obviously I couldn't have said 'I'm not ready' or something, because we were actually having sex. Which I had just been complaining the previous evening about not having.

DH was mature and intelligent about sex when we met. I once asked if I was any good in bed and he very wisely (now it seems ironic) said that there was no such thing as a person who was good or bad in bed, it was about whether two people were good together. It was of the memorable things he said that made me love him even more.
Having said that he did also say and has since said many times that he found sex with me more satisfying than anyone he'd been with before.
I don't think that was a lie, as I said when we first met his self-esteem was low and I think he did feel he had had a fair number of un satisfying experiences -though of course sex is rarely not good even if it could be better.
Again all of this positive stuff from our early days means I am more baffled than ever by our current situation

Billiam- sorry I got the wrong impression- talking about a clean kill and all that. It's really really hard I know. I've seen both sides of it- times when I want it a lot and he doesn't, but then I've had lots of times where I really don't want to do it. At all. So I know how it feels

Purr... That was one of the problems I had.... I went off it because I didn't enjoy it enough because he thought foreplay consisted of a fumble of the tits and a snog. So I took the bull by the horns and said.... For both of us to enjoy it you need to pay a lot more attention to me than that. And I demonstrated what I meant on him, with a good half hour of proper foreplay. It worked. I think sometimes you have to be really clear what you want

In six years, I have tried to be really clear, but in our case I believe he just deep down doesn't believe he 'should' have to make any effort.

Been together 20 years plus -not dtd for more than 2 years.I am going crazy,he doesn't seem to care.I have dropped hints but there is no way I am going to ask him for it .We are in our 50s both fit and healthy ,I am slim and still look good .I have moved into the spare room as I can't stand being ignored and I cry every night on my own .Have told him that I can't go on being his housekeeper/maid and maybe we should split up .He wont leave I feel that I have wasted my life -given up 2 careers for him and dcs -now if I want sex ever again I have to give up my home and start again with nothing.
He calls me darling and cuddles me but that's it no compliments no kisses-just don't get it .
Sorry can't tell anyone in rl.