Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to speak to my daughter ever again

168 replies

notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 01:43

Instructed to meet her off the 1.30 bus 4 days before Christmas (day 1) I waited in the car in the rain while she appeared 2 buses and an hour later. Was she pleased to see me after 3 months, no she said, she had called her dad (we are divorced) to pick her up as she wasn't sure I was coming and she wanted to stay with him anyway. (Agreed plan had been for her to stay with me before Christmas) What about the play tickets I have booked tonight with your brother and I, I said. Why not ring your dad and tell him I'm here and come home to lunch and come to the play. She said she would come along later. She didn't turn upto the play (which she had known about for a month) She turned up the following day (2) at lunchtime with her suitcase. The following day (3) in the morning I was told by her on waking that she didnt want my controlling breakfast or to be told what to do. Make sure you are ready to leave for the opera at 5.30 pm I said. She wasn't. I left. She and her brother turned up outside Convent Garden 30 mins after the opera started. £79 tickets. Booked 3 months previously. She had texted her brother telling him the wrong time for the start of the opera. I gave them their tickets and went home tired and distraught. The following day (4) ie Christmas eve they went to their dads parents as planned for 5 days. I dont want to speak to her again. It is not just the play and the opera, it is the precious family time that has been destroyed. I was looking forward to it so much. I am so upset. I brought her up badly. She is 20. AIBU. What shall I do?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 31/12/2013 01:48

So don't talk to her again,

It sounds like that would do you both the world of good

funnyperson · 31/12/2013 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lookingfoxy · 31/12/2013 02:00

I would let her contact you in future and obviously dont make any plans around her again.

Roshbegosh · 31/12/2013 02:02

Definitely learn from this and don't set up exciting and expensive events again. Make no more plans for when she comes back from her father's. Back off and let her come to you, speak to her but don't make an effort and don't make her breakfast or wait on her either. She sounds spoilt and unappreciative and like she doesn't see you as a person.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 31/12/2013 02:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 02:03

Oddly, I now want to laugh. Posting on here helped. Thanks. I don't know how I could have been so stupid as to think she was grown up enough to go to the opera anyway.

OP posts:
AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 31/12/2013 02:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NigellasDealer · 31/12/2013 02:05

stop treating her like a child then. time to move on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2013 02:06

I was a total arse, screaming, PITA fucking selfish twunt from about 15-20 yo. Thankfully my DM rode it out, normal consequences (no Covent Garden Opera for me during that period) and I magically turned into an alright person about 21. We are really close now (aged 41 and 70 respectively) going away on holidays in the New Year!

Try to still be her parent while not doing so much running. Always let her know you love her while not investing so much time, energy and money.

traininthedistance · 31/12/2013 02:07

I would normally be with you on this, but she's 20. 20-year-olds are stupid and silly a lot of the time. One day soon she will be mortified to think of how she has hurt her mum. Let her know she has hurt you and wait for her to grow up - at 20 there are lots of other influences that may be turning her head (is she away at university?) and lots of acting out and performative adolescent posturing still going on for some people. You haven't brought her up badly - I'm sure she loves you. I know I acted badly sometimes to my mum when I was that age and hugely regretted it afterwards. Thinking of you OP xxx

lollerskates · 31/12/2013 02:09

What do you mean when you say you brought her up badly?

traininthedistance · 31/12/2013 02:11

Oh and yes, stop buying her nice trips to the opera. When she's a bit better behaved you can enjoy some lovely times together, but she's only thinking about herself right now so don't waste the effort and money. BTW the charity gift thing is a pompous teenage thing to do but don't let on just how much it upset you - just buy her one right back (for her favourite charity) for her birthday. Teenage logic - she can't complain but she will feel a bit silly! ;)

JingleJemJem · 31/12/2013 02:12

She's your daughter. She's 20. Yes, an adult, but still growing up really.

My children are young so I won't presume to know what it's like having grown up children. But. It would take a hell of a lot for my mum to say she would never talk to me again. I find it hard to imagine any circumstances where she would actually.

Yes your daughter hasn't covered herself in glory but it sounds like you built Christmas up too much in your head and maybe were a bit overwrought with it all. Did she want to go to the play or the opera? Had you asked her before buying the tickets? And why did she not know whether you were coming to get her?

They arrived late for the opera so you handed them their tickets and went home distraught. That seems a bit dramatic to me over half an hour's lateness.

The charity gift, well why not? Lots of people do that l, it isn't everyone's cup of tea but it's not malicious - some would say it's a sign you've brought her up well that she has a social conscience.

Original poster
notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 02:22

You are all making me cry. I don't normally buy tickets - we've never been to the opera as a family. It was going to be a first. I haven't mentioned the awful waiting before the play while she didn't appear, or the sick feeling waiting outside Convent Garden. I musn't think about it otherwise I will just wallow in self pity. Looking at this I think I'd better go out for a drink with friends. Put it down to experience or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 02:23

Yes, I had asked them both before buying the tickets.

OP posts:
lollerskates · 31/12/2013 02:25

Can you think of any reason why she might behave this way?

Original poster
notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 02:26

The charity gift thing was ok except I would have preferred to choose the charity. But you are right, the principle is a good hearted one.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 02:32

Well I thought that a)she might be very tired or b)she might be wanting her dad to come too and be upset he wasn't or c)her dad encouraged her to behave badly. I wish I were the sort of person that could take it all in my stride and not be upset.

OP posts:
Roshbegosh · 31/12/2013 02:32

I feel for you OP. The charity thing is maybe a good principle but we know it means she was spared putting any thought or effort into buying your gift. I agree with the suggestion above that you do that for her birthday rather than give her a gift or cash. Do it. Don't cave.

I don't blame you at all for some self pity at Coventry Garden after making an effort and looking forward to the opera together as a first. I would be terribly upset at that.

JingleJemJem · 31/12/2013 02:33

Is your divorce recent?

lollerskates · 31/12/2013 02:36

So do you reckon she's just a bitch then? Ie not reacting to anything you've done? In that case keep your distance, lick your wounds and think carefully about what you want.

Sceptimum · 31/12/2013 02:36

She's behaved awfully, but so do a lot of 20 year olds. Try not to blame yourself and save the treats for yourself and your friends who will appreciate it.

As others have said, chances are some day not too far from now she'all look back and cringecringe, and try to compensate. I know I did. :)

Roshbegosh · 31/12/2013 02:36

I bet this behaviour isn't to do with her father at all and as for her being tired, please, at 20! she would find energy for friends wouldn't she? She is just being self absorbed and not thinking of you at all, it sounds like.

Roshbegosh · 31/12/2013 02:38

Are you usually very generous to her? Do you still pay for her holidays etc?

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 02:38

I've never dared be late at Covent Garden so not sure if they would accommodate this but at lesser venues you can leave latecomers' tickets at the box office. It might have been possible to have done that and texted both to let them know and you wouldn't have missed the start.

I know CG is fiendishly strict about not letting late comers in until there is a break but they might have let you in just to stand at the back of the auditorium and you could take your seats at the break (most venues allow this although I've never risked it at CG) But even CG allows you in at the break, seems a bit silly not to salvage something.

As she seems to have a history of unreliability perhaps with hindsight you could have told son (or their father? if that is where they were coming from) the time direct.