Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to speak to my daughter ever again

168 replies

notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 01:43

Instructed to meet her off the 1.30 bus 4 days before Christmas (day 1) I waited in the car in the rain while she appeared 2 buses and an hour later. Was she pleased to see me after 3 months, no she said, she had called her dad (we are divorced) to pick her up as she wasn't sure I was coming and she wanted to stay with him anyway. (Agreed plan had been for her to stay with me before Christmas) What about the play tickets I have booked tonight with your brother and I, I said. Why not ring your dad and tell him I'm here and come home to lunch and come to the play. She said she would come along later. She didn't turn upto the play (which she had known about for a month) She turned up the following day (2) at lunchtime with her suitcase. The following day (3) in the morning I was told by her on waking that she didnt want my controlling breakfast or to be told what to do. Make sure you are ready to leave for the opera at 5.30 pm I said. She wasn't. I left. She and her brother turned up outside Convent Garden 30 mins after the opera started. £79 tickets. Booked 3 months previously. She had texted her brother telling him the wrong time for the start of the opera. I gave them their tickets and went home tired and distraught. The following day (4) ie Christmas eve they went to their dads parents as planned for 5 days. I dont want to speak to her again. It is not just the play and the opera, it is the precious family time that has been destroyed. I was looking forward to it so much. I am so upset. I brought her up badly. She is 20. AIBU. What shall I do?

OP posts:
maddening · 31/12/2013 18:46

Have you outright asked her why she was like that? If it is unusual behaviour then ask her - maybe you need a big talk. She is 20 so should be more than capable of talking it out like a grown up.

Divinity · 31/12/2013 18:52

Madl and Hex have posted what I wanted to say very eloquently. OP you don't seem to be able to see things from your DDs point of view, only your own.She's reacting to your own behaviour (which is upsetting you as you cannot control her anymore).

For goodness sake give your DD some space to become the independent lady she will become. Your relationship will improve if you do this. She's not a child anymore. Stop treating her like one and she'll stop rebelling against you.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/12/2013 18:57

Lifeisaboxofchocs

Some years ago I would have written the same as you, It took years for me to realise that I believed that my mother was strong because that was what people told me to believe. For my mother being rude was having your own opinion.

"Wouldn't have wanted because i loved my mother so much , and it would have hurt her and made me feel sick with myself. She passed 5 years ago"

It took me a long time to realise that the sick feeling was the guilt that my mother projected/forced on to me.

I am not saying that your mother was like mine but it is a valid view point, especially when you look at Basketofchocolate's view of "She is trying to hurt you".

SueDoku · 31/12/2013 20:46

The point that resonated with me was the phrase I had said 5.30 pm to them both at breakfast as being the best time to leave home to get to the opera on time to hopefully have a cup of coffee at the Opera house before hand. I think it normal to plan and discuss leaving times given that we were all in the same home.

So why did you not actually discuss this – and on failing to agree, simply hand each of them their ticket and say that you would see them in there? That your daughter and son should be furtively texting each other – in their own home – says that you were not prepared to listen to them, and that you did not trust two adults to decide for themselves how long the journey would take (and, if wrong, to learn from their mistake) but felt that you had to be the one to be ‘in charge’ of the tickets.
When my first child was born, my mother said to me, ‘If you love them, you will let them go – and they will always come back’. Truer words never were spoken. Always be there, but let them go....they’ll come back if you are not there blaming them for leaving you alone, telling them that they are ungrateful, they have broken your heart etc. etc....

TheFabulousIdiot · 31/12/2013 20:51

Keep talking to her but stopp running her around like she's a child. Maye she will appreciate you more then.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 31/12/2013 21:04

I have not read the whole thread but yes this can be a selfish age.
I just worry that you will make things worse by reacting so badly and pushing her away.

Perhaps you could lower your expectations, not arrange things for the short term like the opera, and let her come to you, and when she does, try and be available, and try and start afresh and have a really pleasant time....

It can be a selfish age and if others in the picture are manipulative and have other agendas...the only thing you can do is be nice and be there...

Id go for a more...." sorry you couldn't have spent more time with me this christmas, I was so looking forward to it, I love your company and miss you when your away. Let me know if you need anything I am always here for you, love you"...

pianodoodle · 31/12/2013 21:11

This is the first time I've read an OP and thought there must be more to it to the extent where I've had a quick look through previous posts.

I know it's probably bad form to do this so apologies, but I have to say I think you are/have been far too involved in the loves of your grown-up children and although rudeness is not good, the problems you're having now with the relationship with your daughter probably stem from this.

I'd say she needs the dynamic of your relationship to change otherwise you will be seen as controlling however good your intentions are.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 31/12/2013 21:17

Just read some wonderful posts, particularly hecate, going on the basis we are all happiest when getting on with each other and laughing and feeling close I would also think there is a reality for your dd that you do not see, and as others have said - you need to ask yourself some really tough personal questions about control and so on.

its so true that at 20 you have such a different perspective on your own childhood, usually meet lots of wider friendlies see how their families operate and compare your own. I think any trauma in child hood will get re evaluated at all stages of our lives, until the day we die.

My friend has appalling problems with her mother and its because the mother will not for one second question herself and its so sad, all the problems could go away if she would look at herself and be vulnerable...

pianodoodle · 31/12/2013 21:19

Typo - should have been "lives" not "loves"

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 31/12/2013 21:21

The following day (3) in the morning I was told by her on waking that she didnt want my controlling breakfast or to be told what to do.

ummm

TheBigJessie · 31/12/2013 21:28

I've read this thread through now. A lot of what I was thinking has already been posted, so I won't be repetitive.

What is left is why does she think you're controlling? Don't you think that maybe you should be asking her why and thinking about whether it's possibly justified rather than citing the very fact she said it as something she did wrong?

I haven't met either of you, so, hell, I don't know that she's completely justified, but objectively, if someone says "you're controlling" you should have a bloody long think about it instead of going into "poor little me" mode.

TheBigJessie · 31/12/2013 21:28

oh, I think I x-posted with Elf, after all that.

ChangeOfMind · 31/12/2013 22:42

"This is the first time I've read an OP and thought there must be more to it to the extent where I've had a quick look through previous posts."

^^Off topic but how do you search OP's other threads to get the gist of the situation as when I put OP's name into advanced search only this thread comes up.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 01/01/2014 05:19

Change the clue is in the first few posts. Wink

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 01/01/2014 09:24

Boney, pls focus on the Op. My mother passed away five years ago. I am still grieving. I post my thoughts on here, and then you focus on my post, trying to read between the lines and apply your own experience to my relationship with my beloved mother.

The upshot is that you offer nothing of relevance to the OP and upset me in the process. I didnt want to be rude and disrespectful to her, just like i would not want to be rude and disrespectful to my Dh, dsis, dbro, daunt, close friends. They are all strong people who would tell me straight i was being rude, just like my dmum would have done. Doesnt mean i am scared of them! Most importantly though, i love them all and would not WANT to.

Pls refrain from applying your psycho babble to me

springysofa · 01/01/2014 10:14

A lot of mother hate on this thread. Post about agonising problems with your adult children, expect to get castigated. It's all the mother's fault, the children are lambs who can't express themselves and, anyway, only end up being rude because the mother is so awful/self-absorbed/controlling.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/01/2014 10:28

"The upshot is that you offer nothing of relevance to the OP"

In your opinion it is of no relevance, but there is a thread that is on its 6th(ish) incarnation that would disagree.

I apologise for upsetting you but just because my experience is different it doesn't mean that it is worth any less.

Meerka · 01/01/2014 11:19

ummm

The OP has left the thread a couple pages ago!!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page