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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to speak to my daughter ever again

168 replies

notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 01:43

Instructed to meet her off the 1.30 bus 4 days before Christmas (day 1) I waited in the car in the rain while she appeared 2 buses and an hour later. Was she pleased to see me after 3 months, no she said, she had called her dad (we are divorced) to pick her up as she wasn't sure I was coming and she wanted to stay with him anyway. (Agreed plan had been for her to stay with me before Christmas) What about the play tickets I have booked tonight with your brother and I, I said. Why not ring your dad and tell him I'm here and come home to lunch and come to the play. She said she would come along later. She didn't turn upto the play (which she had known about for a month) She turned up the following day (2) at lunchtime with her suitcase. The following day (3) in the morning I was told by her on waking that she didnt want my controlling breakfast or to be told what to do. Make sure you are ready to leave for the opera at 5.30 pm I said. She wasn't. I left. She and her brother turned up outside Convent Garden 30 mins after the opera started. £79 tickets. Booked 3 months previously. She had texted her brother telling him the wrong time for the start of the opera. I gave them their tickets and went home tired and distraught. The following day (4) ie Christmas eve they went to their dads parents as planned for 5 days. I dont want to speak to her again. It is not just the play and the opera, it is the precious family time that has been destroyed. I was looking forward to it so much. I am so upset. I brought her up badly. She is 20. AIBU. What shall I do?

OP posts:
knockedgymnast · 31/12/2013 08:23

lifeis, I disagree.

I think the op's dd was just being a typical, stroppy brat.

comingintomyown · 31/12/2013 08:37

Bloody hell I have just had similar age appropriate crap with my DD of fourteen are people telling me that potentially I will still have to be letting that kind of shit go when she is twenty !

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 08:47

I agree we're only getting part of it. The OP is rather making life difficult for herself. Re meeting her off the bus OP mentioned her phone had run out of charge. Perhaps it's just me but I can't imagine setting off to meet someone off public transport especially at this time of year without having a means of contacting them.

The opera situation I don't follow. If I'm meeting people to go to an event then wherever possible I make sure everyone gets their own ticket to avoid the situation which happened here. Handing over the ticket would also have made the start time clear.

And this might be harsh but not going in at all as OP was too tired by then sounds a little precious.

ithaka · 31/12/2013 08:49

If you send your daughter an email listing all she has done wrong & the ways she has hurt you, you have to be prepared to get the same in return. I don't think that would be helpful.

If your parents divorce as a child, you can often be over good and anxious, as you have lost the security of a stable home. It is only as an adult you feel the confidence to act out the anger you felt about your parents splitting up, which you had to repress when little. Maybe she feels delayed anger & needs to distance herself from you?

I think it is a good idea to give her space & let her come to you with her feelings.

IDugUpADiamond · 31/12/2013 09:02

OP I think perhaps you need to give your DC a little bit of space (to grow up) but make sure they know you're there for them. Be totally non judgmental when you do see them but don't allow them to treat you badly or take advantage. Stay level headed and don't resort to drama. Save the latter for when you go out with your friends.

softlysoftly · 31/12/2013 09:05

Ok she was bratty but being "tired and distraught" from the bus wait and saying 5.30. And proclaiming you'll never speak to her again is a tiny bit dramatic don't you think?

softlysoftly · 31/12/2013 09:05

Ok she was bratty but being "tired and distraught" from the bus wait and saying 5.30. And proclaiming you'll never speak to her again is a tiny bit dramatic don't you think?

SilverApples · 31/12/2013 09:19

You don't seem to have talked about what your relationship with her has been like over the past 7 or 8 years.
I'd be surprised if my DD behaved like this, but it would be completely out of character, and not in keeping with our relationship (she's 22).
The communication between the two of you seems to have broken down, and the opera fiasco is one of the consequences. Both of you need to talk and listen to each other, but perhaps not right now. When you both feel calm.

mixedpeel · 31/12/2013 09:20

Someone has already mentioned this, but really, the OP needs to take on board the mobile phone thing. Daughter presumably couldn't get hold of her to let her know she was arriving later - if that was me, I would definitely have preferred to contact someone else. Definitely started the whole thing off on the wrong foot.

Original poster
notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 09:34

Well I haven't said I wont speak to her again to her. That is how I feel. I simply haven't spoken to her (apart from Christmas day to wish her happy Christmas) Like I said I expect other mothers would have handled the plans very much better.
I had said 5.30 pm to them both at breakfast as being the best time to leave home to get to the opera on time to hopefully have a cup of coffee at the Opera house before hand. I think it normal to plan and discuss leaving times given that we were all in the same home. DD said she thought it was too early to leave and in her opinion me saying a time was another example of me being controlling. That's why she had texted her brother (in his bedroom upstairs) to tell him she thought I was wrong to say 5.30. That's why they were late.
The choice of opera was in fact DD's dating from a time 2 years ago when we couldn't afford to go to the opera and all her friends saw it.
I think she has been badly behaved and I don't want to encourage that by acting as though I am fine about it, but neither do I think it helpful to send her a litany of wrongs. I did tell her dad though. He is pleased she has struck a blow for him (as he sees it) which doesn't help.
DD appears to be of the opinion stated by one poster above that I am a helicopter mum, but it seems to me by any standards that any person should be able to manage family outings at Christmas, whether I am a helicopter mum or no. In context the last family outing was last Christmas. Anyway she has had her way and I doubt she is happy about it knowing her, but I doubt she is at all sorry as if she was she would have apologised. Like I said, it is my fault as I have brought her up badly. I will feel less upset about it with time.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 31/12/2013 09:38

I see a mis-match of expectations here, OP. You had been looking forward to her return home for a great Christmas, enjoying time together. She had been having the time of her life at uni, free as a bird, living spontaneously with like-minded friends and was not looking forward to slotting back into her position in an ordered family.

This could be entirely incorrect but I've personally been in both above roles.

Don't have a confrontation with her. Plan some nice stuff for yourself after she goes back to uni and believe me that your relationship will heal. I occasionally told myself that vile behaviour from young adults is God's way of making their eventual independence more bearable!

BinksToEnlightenment · 31/12/2013 09:42

I'm leaning to agreement with Mad.

I'm certain you don't mean it, OP. But sulking and storming off is controlling. You quoted your daughter telling you that she finds you controlling.

You can't expect her to do whatever you have scheduled to the letter and then think that you'll disown her if she fails. I can't blame her at all for not trying to live up to your exhausting standards.

She's twenty. She's immaturely expressing herself. You are much older and should be setting her a good example of how to manage not getting your own way without rather shocking displays of drama.

You must never even think that a day trip not going your way is an excuse for not talking to your daughter again.

I mean this as nicely as it can be said; you need to grow up too.

diddl · 31/12/2013 09:43

Could be 6 of one & half a dozen of the other.

When she said 5,30 was too early-did you listen-did she have a point?

What did she suggest instead?

If she missed the bus, I don't understand why she didn't phone to say so!

I can see it could be her fighting for control-but she must imo be pretty desperate to prove a point.

Generally, if someone is taking me somewhere that I want to go then I leave when they say so!

minmooch · 31/12/2013 09:43

Oh op. Your dd sounds rude, selfish and ungrateful. Whatever the reasons behind her behaviour she ruined it for three people. I too would be hurt and upset.

In my family we agree if we want to do something as a family, agree times to leave and pretty much stick to it (although youngest DS us a known faffer so I always tell him that we are leaving 10 minutes earlier than we need to). Surely that is normal respectful behaviour and I'm not sure why you are getting such a hard time.

I hope that you can let go of some if the hurt and hopefully your daughter will, in time, see how selfishly she acted.

diddl · 31/12/2013 09:46

So leave it to her now to make any plans & accept it if nothing gets organised.

Stop doing so much-let her get to your house without your help, for example.

softlysoftly · 31/12/2013 09:46

Yes but the fact that you "feel" like never speaking to her again and have fairly PA not spoken to her bar Christmas, stomped off home when they were late with a fit of the vapours and so baldly declare she is badly brought up is really quite fucked up do you realise that?

It's not like she turned up coked out of her eyeballs and beat up the actors FFA. She disagreed about leaving time and was a bit late. She contacted her dad when she couldn't get you (as your phone was off) and she missed a play.

Not great but to write her off as a lost cause? I think she might be right and therefore acting out.

wem · 31/12/2013 09:47

So you're going to sulk until such time as you feel better and then expect everything to go back to normal.

When you say 'it's my fault I brought her up badly' it looks like you've decided she's basically an awful person and there's nothing you can do about your relationship - i.e. it's actually not your fault/responsibility at all.

It seems you could do with growing up a bit too.

diddl · 31/12/2013 09:49

I'm confused about the bus thing, I see.

If she wanted to stay with her dad & him collect her-why didn't she do that instead of OP turning up to collect?

CaptainSinker · 31/12/2013 09:50

Your daughter has been a little immature but your emotional reaction seems extreme. It does also sound as though you may be a bit inflexible, which can feel like controlling behaviour.

I can't imagine wanting to cut off my child for what you have written here - or for anything really. Could you maybe lay off the organised events and family breakfasts and talk to your daughter (when you are calmer) about what she wants. And if she doesn't want family time accept that this is the age she is at?

wem · 31/12/2013 09:51

diddl - she couldn't phone to say she was going to be late, OP's phone wasn't charged. She couldn't get hold of her and was probably quite anxious about the situation. So she called her dad to pick her up instead. Seems reasonable to me.

wem · 31/12/2013 09:51

sorry x-posts.

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 09:54

didlOP mentioned later the OP's phone was out of charge , if OP had already left her house her daughter couldn't phone her.

diddl · 31/12/2013 09:55

OK-but it seems to me that she was so late she might have been able tp phone OPs home phone to say she was getting a later bus.

The thing is, she didn't get the bus she told her mum to.

If she had, there wouldn't have been a faff!

Sorry, but I do think she sounds very inconsiderate at the least.

If she wants to stay with her dad then she should do it & stop pissing others about!

diddl · 31/12/2013 10:05

Plus of course she could have waited to see if OP was there before phoning her dad!

thegreylady · 31/12/2013 10:05

I would have handled the situation much worse I'm afraid. I'd have cried or shouted and shown my anger and distress.
The charity gift I'd ask to see the receipt and then maybe accept graciously. In general she is behaving very very badly indeed and must know it or be shown it. This isn't your fault it is hers.
On her next birthday she will be 21. We gave our dd a round the world plane ticket for her 21st. I'd give your dd the promised gift, things will change. I think you should perhaps show your hurt rather than your anger.
My dc and dsc are all aged between 39 and 44 now and we went through hell with some of them. Now 4 out of the 5 are close and loving and we are estranged from the 5th.