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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to speak to my daughter ever again

168 replies

notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 01:43

Instructed to meet her off the 1.30 bus 4 days before Christmas (day 1) I waited in the car in the rain while she appeared 2 buses and an hour later. Was she pleased to see me after 3 months, no she said, she had called her dad (we are divorced) to pick her up as she wasn't sure I was coming and she wanted to stay with him anyway. (Agreed plan had been for her to stay with me before Christmas) What about the play tickets I have booked tonight with your brother and I, I said. Why not ring your dad and tell him I'm here and come home to lunch and come to the play. She said she would come along later. She didn't turn upto the play (which she had known about for a month) She turned up the following day (2) at lunchtime with her suitcase. The following day (3) in the morning I was told by her on waking that she didnt want my controlling breakfast or to be told what to do. Make sure you are ready to leave for the opera at 5.30 pm I said. She wasn't. I left. She and her brother turned up outside Convent Garden 30 mins after the opera started. £79 tickets. Booked 3 months previously. She had texted her brother telling him the wrong time for the start of the opera. I gave them their tickets and went home tired and distraught. The following day (4) ie Christmas eve they went to their dads parents as planned for 5 days. I dont want to speak to her again. It is not just the play and the opera, it is the precious family time that has been destroyed. I was looking forward to it so much. I am so upset. I brought her up badly. She is 20. AIBU. What shall I do?

OP posts:
coralanne · 31/12/2013 05:37

Keep your distance from her for a while. Let her make the moves if she wants to see you.

Be very pleasant when she contacts you but don't be there at her beck and call.

Most 20 year olds I know just aren't like that.

When my DD was 20 she had a mortgage, a small baby and was studying full time at University.

Your DD just needs to grow up a little bit and you have to stop acting like a door mat. It sounds as though she doesn't have any respect for you.

Hope everything works out OK for both of you

crabb · 31/12/2013 05:38

Ouch, your post brought back some memories, NotSo. Mainly the distraught feeling and the anger. The incident it brought back relates to my DS, who was a similar age to your DD. DH and I had a joint 50th birthday party/housewarming 5 years ago at our place - a big do, catered. We are not entertainers and it was a big deal for us. Lots of people we hadn't seen for ages.

DS was asked to take photographs. He enjoys photography. All he had to do was turn up and take photos. What he managed to do was arrive late - he had failed to organise a lift, and when he hadn't appeared we had to send someone to get him - and take essentially no photos, which we didn't realise until afterwards. I still want to cry thinking about it now. It was so selfish.

I had assumed he had agreed to do the photos and was happy to do them. Turns out he resented being expected to do something, and was not so much asked but expected to by DH. He may have had a point. DH was not good at that point at treating his adult children as adults (better now). But DS was certainly not adult enough to see past his resentment and not "spoil" the event in such a permanent way, or even tell us he was pissed off about it.

Although he was living away from home, he resented being dependent on us, and seemed to show this by disappearing at crucial moments, or not answering calls/texts. He didn't want anyone to run his life or expect things from him. And he resented being compared to his (largely helpful) older sisters.

I don't know if this post is helpful to you NotSo, or just a an offload from me, but there seem to be similarities in the "I don't want you controlling me or telling me what to do and when to do it" way. Like previous posters suggested, I would back off and lick your wounds. It just hurts so damn much, doesn't it.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 31/12/2013 06:42

I think I understand why she has behaved in such a way.

I am going to try to give you a gentle telling off, while still making my point, because you clearly love your adult children very much, but the bottom line is she was right - you are controlling, even if you don't mean to be.

You are completely, utterly and totally over-invested in their education, and in every little detail of their lives. You are the ultimate well intentioned but slightly barmy helicopter parent who just won't let up. I bet as young children they had so much extra curricular 'enrichment' they couldn't think straight.

I'm sure you will be rewarded with a highly successful DD to boast about, but possibly a rather unhappy one. Or perhaps she'll be very happy indeed by ploughing her own furrow, and you'll be distraught at what you see as her betrayal of all you've tried to do for her.

Perhaps now she's had a year or two of freedom at uni she has decided to assert herself against your endless micro-managing. She's behaving like a rude, stroppy, spoilt child of course, but then again so are you, a bit. Just look at your OP title. And now you are backpeddling and downplaying how you really feel.

You have stropped, sulked, stormed off and announced that you never want to see her again (hopefully just to us) when she decided to throw you a few curve balls, and refused to jump when you say jump.

You haven't brought them up badly, you've just struggled to trust them to know their own minds, make their own mistakes and fight their own battles. That's not a crime, but it can, and usually does come back to bite you. I know she's behaved badly and let you down at Christmas and that is very sad for you. But I think she's trying to tell you something. Learn from it. Smile

MadIsTheNewNormal · 31/12/2013 06:46

And I am sorry if that was really hard to hear. It was not my intention to hurt you. I have made mistakes with my own children, I am quite sure - at least one of them constantly tells me I have, and has frequently sued that as an excuse to behave badly. I would have been devastated about the being late for the opera thing too, and may well have stormed off and felt it was the last straw from an ungracious wretch, too. But it's not really about the opera tickets, is it? I suspect it's about the other, bigger stuff.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2013 06:54

mad very harsh words and you are making a lot of assumptions, some of which could well be inaccurate - especially the accusation that notso will "boast" about her daughter, wow that is cutting.

When people look back at how they related to their parents they will often realise that they never appreciated that their parents had opinions and feelings, in fact (big revelation) they were actually real people. I know I certainly didn't think of things that way.

It is only when you become a parent, or at least get to more mature years, that you realise this astounding fact, whow my parents were actually human beings!

Roshbegosh · 31/12/2013 06:55

crabb that's awful. How is the relationship now after 5 years of growing up time? I hope he has learnt not to let people down like that ever again.

I think it is a difficult time when they are still on our payroll but they see themselves as independent when actually they are clearly in the transition between being a child living with us and being an adult. Once they really are adult then the relationship shifts. They then start to see parents as people.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 31/12/2013 06:57

When people look back at how they related to their parents they will often realise that they never appreciated that their parents had opinions and feelings, in fact (big revelation) they were actually real people. I know I certainly didn't think of things that way.

Well I can't disagree with that, but I still stand by what I said. that's the trouble with telling everything to a forum. If you ask people's opinions you'll get it, often based on what they's said previously, rather than what they are saying now.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 31/12/2013 06:57

they've

Roshbegosh · 31/12/2013 06:59

Really mad you are making a lot of assumptions, or projecting yourself into this situation. There may be some truth in what you say but it is a stretch.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 31/12/2013 07:00

I am not plucking these assumptions out of thin air you know. Hmm

Don't make me link to threads to prove my point.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2013 07:01

Sounds like you are projecting your own painful experience to what you perceive to be a similar situation.

No way does notso sound demanding or overbearing. Expecting common curtesy and awareness from young adults is an important part of becoming a functioning person in society. If one's parents cannot instil those values, who can?

The title of the post was surely devil's advocate, talking things through because the OP feels upset, nothing wrong in that I didnt think...

ll31 · 31/12/2013 07:01

It sounds like you did/do a lot of organising of eeveryone's time tbh,I'm 51 and still hate when ppeople do that. My problem I'm sure but I hate and resent it however well intentioned. Maybe relax a bit, you don't have to be going to things too have a good time

daisychain01 · 31/12/2013 07:04

Fair enough mad I was only taking this on face value, just this one post. i do not have experience drawn from other threads, so I respect what you say, but you are right, best not to link to other threads.

All the same I do like to cut people some slack in life Smile

Cerisier · 31/12/2013 07:09

crabb how awful. I can't imagine what was going through his mind. If he was resentful why didn't he talk to you? Ask his sisters to talk to you? Our teens know that the money is there but in return they are expected to work hard and do their bit to help the family. Not sure what we'd do if they let us down big time like that.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/12/2013 07:10

She doesn't have to word an email as a litany of shit.

But IMO if you treat someone poorly they are not in the wrong for telling you it hurt them.1

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/12/2013 07:13

She doesn't have to word an email as a litany of shit.

But IMO if you treat someone poorly they are not in the wrong for telling you it hurt them.1

rabbitlady · 31/12/2013 07:24

next Christmas just tell her where you will be. buy no tickets (if she wants to join you at the opera she can buy her own tickets - she'd be there, on time, if she did), offer no lifts - and be politely 'too busy' when she demands. she wants to be 'grown up' - let her.

wem · 31/12/2013 07:55

OP -What actually happened at 5.30 when you wanted to leave for the opera? Did you leave without her at that very minute?

knockedgymnast · 31/12/2013 08:01

Op, she sounds lovely compared to how my dd used to be. Seriously, she is acting like a brat but she's just flexing, pushing the boundaries.

Two years ago, my dd ran away two days before Christmas but 'magically' turned up Christmas day for her presents Hmm so Christmas for us all, that year, was spoilt, what with numerous visits from the police. She'd gone to a party & 'lost track of time'

Anyway, she gave us all, as a family, three years of heartache & you know what, we are like best friends now. She has moved out, is starting college next year, has a decent bf (she's 18).

Tickets to the opera sounded like a lovely sentiment but it seemed like it was more of a treat for you than a 20 year old. Almost like dd buying a ticket for you to join her at the latest nightclub - I reckon you'd turn up late for that too Grin

Stick with it, op, it will get better. But I do understand your frustration.

DeckSwabber · 31/12/2013 08:09

Does she get on with her brother? Is he mature enough to have a word? Maybe ask if anything is wrong and say that you are upset and feel a bit let down and disappointed?

Or do you get on well enough with their dad to talk it through with him?

DeckSwabber · 31/12/2013 08:14

ps - when my mum took me to plays and opera I took it as part of her 'educating' me rather than entertaining me.

I value it far more now as an adult, and I have taken my children to lots of this kind of thing, so no criticism intended. You sound lovely.

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 31/12/2013 08:14

I don't believe we are getting even a fraction of the full story here.

For a 20 year old girl to behave like this to anyone, least of all her mother, something is seriously amiss

wem · 31/12/2013 08:16

I don't understand why you would head off to the opera by yourself just to wait at the venue for them to turn up. Sounds like an opportunity to get yourself worked up so you could strop off once they turned up.

Purplepoodle · 31/12/2013 08:18

She behaved very badly. Was she annoyed that you didn't have your mobile on? Could her dad be a part of this behaviour?

Purplepoodle · 31/12/2013 08:20

Is she annoyed at having things planned out like the play and opera, even if she did agree at the time. What kind of relationship do you usually have?