I dont want to speak to my daughter ever again

[notsodarlingdaughtersmum]

Instructed to meet her off the 1.30 bus 4 days before Christmas (day 1) I waited in the car in the rain while she appeared 2 buses and an hour later. Was she pleased to see me after 3 months, no she said, she had called her dad (we are divorced) to pick her up as she wasn't sure I was coming and she wanted to stay with him anyway. (Agreed plan had been for her to stay with me before Christmas) What about the play tickets I have booked tonight with your brother and I, I said. Why not ring your dad and tell him I'm here and come home to lunch and come to the play. She said she would come along later. She didn't turn upto the play (which she had known about for a month) She turned up the following day (2) at lunchtime with her suitcase. The following day (3) in the morning I was told by her on waking that she didnt want my controlling breakfast or to be told what to do. Make sure you are ready to leave for the opera at 5.30 pm I said. She wasn't. I left. She and her brother turned up outside Convent Garden 30 mins after the opera started. £79 tickets. Booked 3 months previously. She had texted her brother telling him the wrong time for the start of the opera. I gave them their tickets and went home tired and distraught. The following day (4) ie Christmas eve they went to their dads parents as planned for 5 days. I dont want to speak to her again. It is not just the play and the opera, it is the precious family time that has been destroyed. I was looking forward to it so much. I am so upset. I brought her up badly. She is 20. AIBU. What shall I do?

oh dear. Couldn't help a hollow laugh at For a 20 year old girl to behave like this to anyone, least of all her mother, something is seriously amiss I can assume the poster doesn't have 'children' that age.

She is treating you like shit - not unknown for people that age. I agree with a pp that she is treating you as though you are not real. Back right off. There is an assumption that we glide with our children into adulthood but this doesn't account for some severe turbulence that usually presents along the way.

It is telling that your ex is acting like the cat that got the cream, he may well be influencing her behaviour in some way. Back right off, don't engage in any meaningful way while she is treating you this badly. Certainly don't engage with her poor behaviour with some of your own eg leaving the opera. It is not a level playing field. You are the adult, act like it, don't engage with her nastiness or she'll know it's succeeding. I would counsel against letting her know she has hurt you.

Wait it out OP. Stand right back, don't expect to be pals for the forseeable.

Has her father been having a stir? I ask because I had a terrible few months with my now adult dd after we split up and she believed every single lie he told her, in order to gain her sympathy. I let it pass mainly as she needed time to work things out for herself.

OP, did you say 'we must leave at 5.30' as in this is what we are doing? Or did you say 'maybe we should leave about 5.30 so we can have a coffee'? I tend towards suggestions rather than orders as it gives a chance for others to have their input too.

Let her stew a few days. I don't think an email is going to help. What did your ds make of the situation?

I would not cut her out completely. Just give her space, leave it a few months. A lot of 20 something's act very immature

To me, the key question is - are you controlling?

Hand on heart, is there any truth in what she says? Certainly she feels it, which makes it her truth, and that will be why she's gone out of her way to take everything out of your control, but why does she feel it? Is it the truth - That's the question.

How can you change to ensure that she doesn't feel that you want to be in control all the time? How can she change so that she doesn't behave like a child having a tantrum in order to make whatever point it is she's trying to make.

Going on what she's done here, it seems that she's behaved very badly, selfishly and hurtfully, but has she been trying to tell you to back off and not been heard?

You need to talk to her about why she behaved as she did. And listen to her answer.

And don't deflect with the self attack of oh I brought her up badly it's all my fault... my mother does that. She doesn't mean it. It's my fault, I've got Broad Shoulders, I take responsibility = It's not my fault, you're being mean to me.

Just take a good and honest look at how everyone is interacting and see how that all needs to change in order to transition successfully from parent & child to parent & independent adult offspring.

For me, the bridge between home and independence was the hardest part of parenting.

I blew it with my eldest as I tried too hard to keep him safe and be involved in everything he did.

With my second it has been easier and I'm hoping I'll have it sorted by the time I do it with my third!

Thing is, we can't protect them from everything and they can see us as preventing them being their own person.

The only way through it if you have different views from hers is to step back and remind yourself she is an adult and let her find her own way home from the bus station and let her make her own breakfast etc.

Don't book anything in advance, ask if she wants to do anything when she arrives and accept she may say no.

If you are going out, don't cook her a meal, remind her you will be out and let her know there is food in the house she can help herself too.

If you have planned something, don't tell her how it will be, say you will be arriving at x time for a coffee and will be at , then ask where she would like to meet.

In short, put the ball in her court and you may find she wants to meet for coffee anyway, but disliked being told that is what she should do.

It's easy to treat parents badly when they are at your beck and call and you can convince yourself their only purpose is to control you and make your life a misery.

Be your own person, you don't need to entertain her and try and accept her opinion of important family time is different from yours right now.

It will change when she grows up but for now she's just doing her thing and the best thing you can do is be there when she needs support but otherwise go about your business and let her ask you if she wants to do something with you.

Of she does talk, actually take the time to listen to her - you may be surprised if you are used to doing most of the talking.

FWIW I pick my 21 daughter up from the station a lot but she calls when she gets on the train and then again when she is 20 minutes away so we know to go and get her. She knows shed have to get a taxi if she took the mick or was rude on the way home! I won't put up with rude behaviour just because she is my daughter and she knows that!

Likewise, if I wanted a favour from her and I was rude or messed her about, she'd rightfully tell me to go forth the next time!

I disagree that being 20 excuses her behaviour. I have never treated my mother like that and been such a selfish sod. I don't know what you suggest OP, but I imagine I would feel the same if I were in your shoes.

Is there more of a backstory here?

I agree your DD has behaved badly, which, as others have said, isn't that unusual in 20 year-olds.

But the playing off that I see between your ExH and you - was it a bitter divorce? How have the children handled it all?

Sounds like she is punishing you for something. Do you know what that might be? Your ex-husband is too it seems.

I agree thatt there may be more too it.

OP it seems odd to me that having got yourself to Covent Garden on time you waited for them-with their tickets?? & then went home.

So maybe some control there?

I know how hurt you are, but in the context of your previous threads, I do think that you ought to listen to what your DD is trying to tell you.

She's 20. She wants you to stop micro-managing her life (and again, from previous threads, you really really do).

She's trying to grow up a bit and be independent of you, but this is a process, which is why she's made such a hash of it this Christmas. Leave her be. Let her grow.

For me, the bridge between home and independence was the hardest part of parenting.

I blew it with my eldest as I tried too hard to keep him safe and be involved in everything he did.

With my second it has been easier and I'm hoping I'll have it sorted by the time I do it with my third!

Thing is, we can't protect them from everything and they can see us as preventing them being their own person.

The only way through it if you have different views from hers is to step back and remind yourself she is an adult and let her find her own way home from the bus station and let her make her own breakfast etc.

Don't book anything in advance, ask if she wants to do anything when she arrives and accept she may say no.

If you are going out, don't cook her a meal, remind her you will be out and let her know there is food in the house she can help herself too.

If you have planned something, don't tell her how it will be, say you will be arriving at x time for a coffee and will be at , then ask where she would like to meet.

In short, put the ball in her court and you may find she wants to meet for coffee anyway, but disliked being told that is what she should do.

It's easy to treat parents badly when they are at your beck and call and you can convince yourself their only purpose is to control you and make your life a misery.

Be your own person, you don't need to entertain her and try and accept her opinion of important family time is different from yours right now.

It will change when she grows up but for now she's just doing her thing and the best thing you can do is be there when she needs support but otherwise go about your business and let her ask you if she wants to do something with you.

Of she does talk, actually take the time to listen to her - you may be surprised if you are used to doing most of the talking.

FWIW I pick my 21 daughter up from the station a lot but she calls when she gets on the train and then again when she is 20 minutes away so we know to go and get her. She knows shed have to get a taxi if she took the mick or was rude on the way home! I won't put up with rude behaviour just because she is my daughter and she knows that!

Likewise, if I wanted a favour from her and I was rude or messed her about, she'd rightfully tell me to go forth the next time!

I'm not fuming but I am hurt and very tired and very worried because the whole 4 days seems so dysfunctional for the family. It feels like the ship is in a storm which has blown up without me noticing it was on the horizon and I without a compass. DS is a sensible person, feels upset, and also thinks I ought to sit down with DD and talk it over. She was 2 hours late for his birthday do a few weeks previously. He thought she was a bit jealous of him, told her so to her face in his quite way, and then she calmed down a bit on his birthday.
I'm not sure I agree with the parent as emotional punchbag approach. Now I see that she probably just didn't even think about how I was feeling. I don't see why being different or independent equals difficult and rude or why, just because she is a certain age and wants to be independent, she has to behave badly. Anyway I had better get off this thread otherwise I will just think about it for longer than is healthy. Thank you all for being there. I feel a lot less upset than when I first posted.

I sympathise OP as I too have young adults and know how infuriating they are as they assert their independence with, seemingly, no thought or appreciation for others.

I think you need to stand back for a while, be there for her and keep up your basic arrangements but lower your expectations and don't arrange stuff for her. She will eventually mature, appreciate you and that is when it is worth doing stuff like this.

FWIW, my DS is 25, working, and would appreciate the opera night out, particularly the thought and consideration of it; DD is 23, student, and probably would not yet.

Glad you feel a bit better OP and no, absolutely do not be her emotional punchbag. Assert yourself and don't allow any more disrespect. Good luck, I really hope things pick up for you

For me, the bridge between home and independence was the hardest part of parenting.

My parents and IL really struggled with this - I really think that is why we had so many problems when we became parents despite being very late 20 and just 30.

TBH I don't think my parents have manage to related to any of us as adults - they accept me as a parent, after huge struggle, but anything else doesn't seem to compute hence they don't want me working having friends or any kind of social life or even continuing my education I'm just supposed to parent now.

Step back for a while - keep things low key and try and only step in when asked. Then try later on to relate to her as an adult - she can make choices you don't approve of and do things you don't like it and making mistakes is how she'll learn.

Obviously it can't be easy otherwise my IL and parents would have got it done but the alternative is a distant slightly fraught relationship.

Well if you can talk to each other - and get each other to listen obviously going to help you both out.

You need to learn the art of natural consequences.

They were both late for the opera.
You didn't go to the opera because they were late.
They did make some of the opera.
You were upset and stewing.

But essentially you were upset about two adults being late for something after they had said no to your transport plan.

More fool them, but nothing really to get upset about.

A far better plan would have been to have handed their tickets in at the box office, sent them a text saying that's what you'd done, then gone and enjoyed the opera...

hrmmm

I don't know how I could have been so stupid as to think she was grown up enough to go to the opera anyway. She's 20. It's old enough. You're calling her very immature. So she made a mistake with the timing. It's not the end of the world.

in the morning I was told by her on waking that she didnt want my controlling breakfast or to be told what to do. So she feels controlled? Told what to do?

Did she say she wanted to go to the play the first evening, or had you booked that without checking if she wanted to go first?

I am so upset. I brought her up badly. She is 20

Getting upset over the sort of christmas present you get?

I musn't think about it otherwise I will just wallow in self pity

Now you're thinking of not talking to her ever again?

I'm afraid that put together, this all sounds pretty controlling to me and actually rather manipulative.

I think that you need to chill out and back way off and stop with the name calling and the blame. Did you tell her that it was all your fault?

You need to look at why she feels controlled and told what to do, which is clearly a longstanding feeling for her. You don't say that sort of thing just out of the blue. It could be silly teenage brattishness or it could be that actually, you're needing to chill and to stop organising her so much. And while you could reasonably be cross with her, being quite this tempted to turn this into a self-pity party, rather than just admitting you're very disappointed but not saying things like 'i dont want to speak to her again', is making me wonder just what is going on.

notso I sense a lot of confusion in you. The main feeling I'm getting is fear (from you) that you have "failed". I've skim read this thread and it's cheered me up enormously - lots of mothers sharing stories of how difficult it can be at times, and lots of older women sharing stories of how they grew out of the "terrible twenties".

I hope it's made you feel better.

It's funny to read this thread side by side other mothers frettting about the "terrible twos". Honestly - what did we sign up for when we became parents!!!

I'm going to set up a Rest Home for Temporarily Runaway Mothers. You'll check-in for a week or so, a nanny will be sent out as a replacement. It'll be like the Priory but far, far less stressful.

Reading your update, it does still seem to be all about you - your analogy of missing the warning signs of a storm imply that the situation should have been under your control, and your loss of control is what caused the problems - no?

This isn't a healthy way to deal with adult children, and maybe you should give some serious consideration to backing off and letting them finish growing up without inappropriate pressure?

Perhaps your daughter didn't want to go the play or the opera. perhaps she just wanted to catch up with friends. I know you said you asked her but did you really ask her or just tell her what you'd planned. If she had said 'no I don't want to go to the opera, I'm going to catch up with my mates', how would you have reacted?

Hey hey not all 20 year olds are thoughtless twats thanks. If they are then that's because they're a thoughtless twat not cos they're 20.

OP let her make the first move and otherwise try to put it out of your mind. I don't think anger is a very useful emotion past a certain point. It can be good as a catalyst to get things done, or spark some personal epiphany- otherwise it can just eat you up inside and grow and grow.

Brilliant idea thecat . Can I be first in the queue to check in?