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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to speak to my daughter ever again

168 replies

notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 01:43

Instructed to meet her off the 1.30 bus 4 days before Christmas (day 1) I waited in the car in the rain while she appeared 2 buses and an hour later. Was she pleased to see me after 3 months, no she said, she had called her dad (we are divorced) to pick her up as she wasn't sure I was coming and she wanted to stay with him anyway. (Agreed plan had been for her to stay with me before Christmas) What about the play tickets I have booked tonight with your brother and I, I said. Why not ring your dad and tell him I'm here and come home to lunch and come to the play. She said she would come along later. She didn't turn upto the play (which she had known about for a month) She turned up the following day (2) at lunchtime with her suitcase. The following day (3) in the morning I was told by her on waking that she didnt want my controlling breakfast or to be told what to do. Make sure you are ready to leave for the opera at 5.30 pm I said. She wasn't. I left. She and her brother turned up outside Convent Garden 30 mins after the opera started. £79 tickets. Booked 3 months previously. She had texted her brother telling him the wrong time for the start of the opera. I gave them their tickets and went home tired and distraught. The following day (4) ie Christmas eve they went to their dads parents as planned for 5 days. I dont want to speak to her again. It is not just the play and the opera, it is the precious family time that has been destroyed. I was looking forward to it so much. I am so upset. I brought her up badly. She is 20. AIBU. What shall I do?

OP posts:
Catsize · 31/12/2013 02:42

What is wrong with charity gifts? Might you not be perceived as a lady who has a fair amount of spare cash, all requisite physical possessions, and a generous heart that pays for extortionate tickets for ungrateful children? I would think a charity gift ideal. I have given and received the same with pleasure. Better a first aid kit to somewhere needy on behalf of my dad than a set of chutneys. Likewise, some Oxfam chickens given to me this Christmas seem more useful to me than something else I don't need. Since when did giving a charity gift become a spiteful act? Confused

FixItUpChappie · 31/12/2013 02:46

Aww, I feel bad for you OP - that is not a nice way to be treated and especially hurtful from your own daughter. You sound as if you need a massive hug.

Your daughter behaved like crap and made you feel bad. I'd point out to her how she's made you feel and that you love her but but will not revolve plans/funds around similarly again.

She does have lots of room for growth and change yet though so take heart.

Wine
Roshbegosh · 31/12/2013 02:50

No one is saying a charity gift is spiteful, of course not. But it is like giving gift tokens or money, nice, yes but not a lot of thought or effort. Even a very small personal gift alongside would be lovely.

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 02:50

I tend to agree re charity gifts in this situation. It'd be rubbish for parent to child but certainly for me I'd be charmed if my slightly older, considerably less difficult but equally disorganised son gave me a charity donation rather than a token present.

I don't need stuff and he can't afford the stuff I want and can buy myself.

lisianthus · 31/12/2013 02:53

Buy her a charity gift for her birthday. If she thinks it's such a great present, presumably she will be fine with receiving it herself.

Catsize, it's a spiteful present to give someone else when you know that they will be giving you a gift that you will be able to enjoy yourself in return. Ask to receive one yourself- that's great. Give one to someone else, having made a judgment that they "have all requisite physical possessions" and sit there piously while they watch you open lots of lovely things they have spent time and effort getting you- not so great.

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 02:55

Sorry I was replying to Fixitup I don't think a charity gift would be out of order in the right situation(mainly well off older people who might be flattered at being seen as non - materialistic enough to take it in the spirit intended.)

Cerisier · 31/12/2013 02:57

Pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff, disengage calmly and don't put so much effort in while she is like this would be my advice (and what I try to do when my DD is winding me up).

One question- did she want to go and see the play and opera?

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 02:59

lisianthus I disagree with every word of your post. I'd be extremely spiteful for a well off parent to do that to a likely impecunious young adult. I've already said, I'd actually take it as a compliment if someone gave me a charity donation gift.

Cerisier · 31/12/2013 03:00

Sorry loads of x-posts, I should have pressed refresh before posting!

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 03:01

Oh dear it's catzize I meant to agree with notFixitup

Original poster
notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 03:04

We divorced 13 years ago. No I don't pay for her holidays. She is usually a good girl and works to pay for her own holidays. Though now you mention it I had said I would buy her a plane ticket she wanted for her birthday next year. Why do you ask?
I don't know why she thought I wouldn't pick her up from the bus. We had spoken the evening before, she had told me the bus time, I usually do pick her up. My phone wasn't charged so she wouldn't have been sure I would wait. I assumed she had got up late and missed the bus she was due on. I wasn't too bothered she was late then, just pleased to see her, but I was surprised when she said she wasn't coming home. I did think she could have told me so the evening before then her dad could have picked her up instead of making me go and wait for the bus.
I'm being boring. This will all pass and become clear with time, I see that now.
Good night and thank you all for being there.

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 31/12/2013 03:06

Caitlin I wasn't really referring to the charity thing...that's okay. However, the bits where her daughter left her standing outside the opera, wasted two nights worth of performance tickets, spoke to her rudely and generally was an arse....those bit are not nice.

Catsize · 31/12/2013 03:08

Ah well, guess we are all different. Charity gifts quite popular in my family, sometimes with small additional gifts, sometimes not. Think it a step up from money and gift tokens myself, but again, maybe just me! And you can tailor them to the person, eg a midwife kit, wedding goats for a wedding etc. I find it a bit bizarre that the OP changed her stance slightly to saying that 'okay, maybe not so bad, but I would have liked to have chosen the charity' (I paraphrase). Maybe the daughter has a point? OP now wanting to control presents too! (Am assuming it wasn't a way off the wall controversial charity). Wonder if you can get charity gift tokens, to be spent on the charity of your choice... A middle ground?? Now there's an idea... Wink

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 03:08

Fixitup sorry I didn't actually mean to comment on your post, I meant to agree with catzize

Original poster
notsodarlingdaughtersmum · 31/12/2013 03:12

I don't mind about the charity gift. I'm still at the stage when I don't really expect gifts from the DC. Its the opera and the play I mind about. Yes Convent Garden let the DC in at the first interval, and if I had been a better and bigger person (and maybe not tired from the bus wait and the play fiasco or fed up from having asked them both in the morning to be sure to be ready to leave the house with me at 5.30 pm) I should have gone in late with them and salvaged the occasion. But in fact I was just too tired.

OP posts:
Catsize · 31/12/2013 03:13

By the way, not condoning daughter's apparently bad behaviour in other respects. OP, a plane ticket? She may just be taking advantage me thinks... I guess most people wouldn't dream of asking for such a thing from anyone.

Caitlin17 · 31/12/2013 03:14

OP, dealing with this age group you'll find it makes life simpler if phones are never left to run out of charge. Theirs might and you might not be able to contact them but not having yours charged and they can't get through to you will only make more complications.

Danann · 31/12/2013 03:15

A lot of 20 year olds are awkward and selfish, I know I was.

If you'd spoken to my mum when i was 20 she would of told you I was the most awkward, selfish, horrible, ungrateful brat she'd ever met and tbf she'd have a point, but then I grew up and now we are really close, I'm only 25 now so the selfish ungrateful thing really didn't last long and the relationship can be fixed quite quickly. I'm glad my mum decided to ride it out.

If you never speak to your DD again over this you will be throwing away your relationship over a stage a lot of girls her age go through which seems pretty stupid to me.

PariahHairy · 31/12/2013 03:15

She is your child, obviously there are ups and downs. don't even think about not speaking to her, she's your goddamn child fgs. You would really think about never speaking to her again over some trivial shit?

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 31/12/2013 03:16

What a brat. I'm mid twenties and even when I was 20 I would have never behaved like this.

OP can I come to convent garden next time please Grin you sound lovely.

Catsize · 31/12/2013 03:23

OP, stop being so hard on yourself. You did some lovely things for her, she stuffed up. Think how many people would have loved those tickets, as baubles said, and (ironically!) how much a charity could have benefitted from their cost.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/12/2013 03:23

Tell her you are shocked by her behaviour. Maybe even email her an outline of all she had done so she sees it in black and white. Tell her it hurts because you love her. Ask if there's a reason for her apparent anger at you.

Don't give up on her..my cousins son treated her terribly for a few years between about 16 and 21 and now has apologised and is devoted.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2013 03:33

Fanjo my mother once sent me a letter like that. All I read was a litany of how shit I was. Not the way to go.

Instead, just love, no money. Leave the lines open and be open yourself. You are still, at 20, the parent and she is still the child.

GoshAnneGorilla · 31/12/2013 04:18

Definitely no to an email. I suspect she has no idea of how hurtful she's being and an email would just make her more defensive.

MrsTP's advice is pretty spot on, IMO.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 31/12/2013 04:21

I would have thought at 20 she should be able to take the frank truth about her behaviour rather than it being left. She's an adult, it's no way to behave.

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