I've name changed for this, partly because I'm usually preaching family tolerance at Christmas, but Godalmighty, I'm now eating my words!
I hosted Christmas this year. Parents (late 70s), sister (single mum of 2 and 3 year old), aunt, uncle and cousin, in our house. DH finds some of my family members a little trying. We have no children of our own, but we have the biggest house.
So as not to drip feed: my mum, as much as I love her, is a terrible control freak and sulker. Those tactics haven't worked on me for a long time, but she will persist with them! My dad just goes along with her to keep the peace. My sister is exactly like my mum, only more so; she could sulk for England, and is rather spiteful with it - any tiny slight, real or imagined, leads to the perpetrator being ruthlessly punished.
Because of my sister's situation, my parents help her loads. She's at their house every weekend, and the kids basically wreck it, drawing on the walls etc. My sister has resisted any kind of discipline and routine, which means that the kids take no notice of her. My mum refuses to say "no" to the children because, she says, "your father and I will be dead soon and we want them to have happy memories of us" and "I just need to nurse [DS] through this".
I've always been generous with my sister. I took her, my parents and the kids on holiday twice this year, since money is a little tight for her and they need an extra able bodied person to run after the kids and take them swimming, etc. Both holidays were trying; whenever I asked the children not to do something, or said, e.g., "no, you can't have any more sweets until you've had lunch", my mum would countermand me in front of them and my sister would sulk and say horrible things. The second occasion was just awful, so I resolved not to do it again.
Anyway, fast forward to Christmas. My sister arrives with a face like a stopped clock and sulks until they left on Boxing day, making a great show of packing the car as early as possible that morning to show that she can't wait to leave. Doesn't lift a finger the entire time, didn't say thank you once despite DH and I having made big breakfasts and lovely Christmas lunch and gone out of our way to make everybody welcome etc. On departure, she said, "well, see you" and stalked out.
My mum was even worse. On Christmas morning she got up and complained bitterly to me about the heating in their bedroom (which they could have altered; the radiator isn't hidden), the fact that the bed was too hard and that the room I'd suggested the children sleep in contained a computer and wireless router "so how can you expect them to sleep with all those flashing lights?"
At Christmas dinner she started telling my husband that there was something wrong with his family because they weren't as close as hers. DH was furious but choked it back.
On Boxing day morning, my mum brought in the kids' new bikes (which DH had spent three hours building on Christmas eve, for no thanks) from the garage, dirty wheels and all from being ridden outside, and let the kids ride them around the house. Cream carpets. DH asked the kids nicely to get off and told them that he was putting the bikes outside, and why. My mum ordered him to bring them back in again! Which he did, after saying that he wasn't used to being ordered around in his own house. I told the kids that they could sit on their bikes in the conservatory, but they couldn't ride them; my mum said, "Oh, let them ride their bikes". I said no, it was my house.
Cue horrendous sulks from my mother, who then deliberately called DH by the wrong name when leaving!
I've just had enough of them. They expect me to go and visit them for a few days over the holidays, which I normally would, but when my dad called I told him that I wouldn't be coming and why.
I feel like my dad is suffering as a consequence, but my mum and sister need to learn that their behaviour is unacceptable.
Am I being unreasonable? Sorry this is so long. It just came spilling out!!
BTW - I've tried sensible discussions with both mum and sister in the past. No go - waterworks, hysteria, I'm going to be dead soon so you must do what I want etc etc.