DP's attitude towards dd

[lovelilies]

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

What is the need. Grow up

Ah, I think the growing up is on your part, petal. The need si that this is a textbook case of the Cinderella effect.

You are really living in a fantasy land if you think this isn't exactly where this is headed. It has every hallmark, every one.

OP this man is showing all the signs of a manipulative bully.

Look at the language you have used, treading on eggshells, cancelling your daughters treat to appease him. You've only been with him a year and you are 35 weeks pregnant and you've sold your house, and your 8 year old daughter is talking of counselling, it's just not right.

Bullies are very good at twisting things, you've shown him what advice your getting. It gives him ammo.

If your going to post about him, I wouldn't show him, and if would change your name.

waltermittymissus I agree she didn't do best by DD earlier today but reading these posts gave her strength to confront DP. How about supporting her when she makes the right choice instead of flaming her when she does.

love

i think people are being unnecessarily harsh to you. You've realised that you made a mistake, have said that you know you have, and still you're being flamed for it. Ultimately it's down to you how your life pans out.

make it up with your dd. For everyone saying you rushed into it, well, that horse has bolted, pointless locking the stable doors now. So it shouldn't be dwelled upon.

it comes down to this. Will your dp support and love your daughter even when, speaking as someone who once was, she's going through the teenage "i hate everything about you" stage?

fwiw, my mom married my step dad when i was 8, she had been seeing him for six weeks before the wedding, she got pregnant with my little brother on the honeymoon. The speed of something happening doesn't mean it's gonna fail. I adore my dad (i have nothing to do with bio dad) but i made life very very difficult for him for a long time because i was a messed up 8 year old (long story).

if your dp will be the family champion, brilliant. If you don't think he will, then you need to have a think.

am here if you wanna chat, judgment free :)

It's good showing him this, he can see what a twat he is being. I think you need to be separate from him, at the moment so you can shirt yourself out and make a secure home for you and the baby. You already know you rushed in quickly and that it was a very bad idea, what is done is done. You need now to put your kids first, and really not to stand fir any rubbish. Your 8 year old dd talks a lot of sense
P

"but hate the way he can be with dd..."

How can he love him when he treats your child so badly?

Who is standing up for your dd? Will there still be room, and love for her, when your new baby is born?

You have been a fool. But you know that. Dont you?

Some prick capable of treating an 8yo like he has will not take kindly to a bunch of man-hating, sex-avoiding harridans telling him what is what

he might not reveal it yet, OP, but you are going to pay the price for showing him this thread

or, I predict more likely, your daughter will

that was a quite spectacular act of self-sabotage, possibly just another one in a long line of them going off what you have said on this thread

I hope you wise up very quickly, and the very first step in doing that is to seek your own support that he is not privy to

How about supporting her when she makes the right choice instead of flaming her when she does

When she makes the right choice she will get 100% support from me. She will get 100% support in making her way to the right decision, too.

What she won't get is praise for keeping her dd in this abusive situation because she decided to shack up with a stranger.

There's a difference in tone in the posts where women need to be gently coaxed into seeing a situation for the destructive one that it is, and a woman paying lip service because she's putting her own needs before those of her children.

I'm finding it difficult to fight dd's corner

He's said he'll apologise to dd
But it keeps happening and he always has an excuse

I don't understand why you find (found?) it hard to fight your little girl's corner, OP. Has this man already made you believe he - or your relationship - is more important than she is?

As for the wee soul suggesting some kind of family therapy...that gave me a lump in my throat. She shouldn't be having to think like that. Please let her know how cherished she is - make her your priority.

You need your head checked

You need to stop being an apologist for domestic violence. The poor menz, so picked on.

Your child suggested therapy, he said no and you listened?

I really feel for your poor dd, she has nobody to protect her.

Just don't go any further on this road right now OP.

Keep that money safe and don't buy a house.

Don't get financially trapped.

It's not right and it's not normal for you to have to be treading on eggshells at 35 wks pregnant. He should be looking after you.

Just be careful.

What's done is done but be careful what you do from now.

Over 40 years ago, when it was more difficult for women to leave their marriages I was your daughter. My mum's new husband even adopted me to show how he wanted us to be a family. He too was "strict" and he gradually manipulated and bullied my mum to the point where he controlled both of us. He made my life a misery with emotional abuse and bullying that he justified as parental discipline until I escaped at 18. He was really good at withdrawing treats on the slightest excuse as well. Just like you, mum deferred to him when things got awkward. Contrary to what some say above, he treated his own children when they arrived better than he treated me. I wish my mum had been more able to protect me but I know she was emotionally and materially trapped, and maybe not as strong as she needed to be.

You aren't in that position so sort this out now for the sake of your poor little girl.

You've fucked your DD up good style without realising.
You have got your self pregnant by a guy who you barely know who turnsout to be nasty bastard to your daughter and you pander to it.
FFS. She is supposed to be able to rely and trust you for support and comfort and protection. Not to have her feelings screwed with.

Op needs support right now, none if this flaming is helping anybody, actually can make the situation worse, make op withdraw into herself. Yes she made the wrong decisions, what is done is done and nothing can be done to put the clock back, she needs our support to get out of this situation. I bet none of you are perfect, we all make mistakes, let's help op move forward

'Lady'jx, you also need to stop insisting things people might say that you disagree with, for whatever reason, mean they are mentally ill.

The fact is that step-parents, and step-fathers specifically, are grossly over-represented in child abuse - of all kinds, including emotional - this is simply statistical fact.
No amount of calling me insane will change that.

how does a little girl even know about therapy ?

You dont need therapy with him.

You need therapy alone to examine how on earth you can

1. Move a man into your daughters home so early in your relationship.
2. Get pregnant with a new partner straight away without knowing if he is a good fit in YOUR FAMILY. THE FAMILY YOU HAVE with your daughter.
3. Put a man before your own child and allow her to be abused emotionally and treated like absolute shit while you stand by log a mug

You do need a backbone.

peeking i went through that too it was horrible