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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset that DP won't even consider this name?

189 replies

IAmTheOneWhoKnocks · 29/12/2013 13:09

I am pregnant and we've started looking at possible baby names. I've always said I would love my grandmas name to be used as a middle name if the baby was a girl, DP has always hummed a maybe response. Today he has said an outright no and said he doesn't want an "old and crap" name being used on the baby :(

We are not married and have 1 child already. Dc1 has DPs surname as it meant a lot to him, this child will also be getting DPs surname. I am not close with a lot of my family and my grandma practically replaced my rubbish mother in bringing me up, she means a lot to me and if I had a daughter I would want her named after one of loveliest, bravest women I know.

AIBU to think DP is a selfish fucker?

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmTheOneWhoKnocks · 29/12/2013 14:03

That's fine Trashcan, I'm not offended! Can I ask what you would say if your DP was in my position though? Would you consider it?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 29/12/2013 14:04

I think if he really doesn't like it then it's not fair to force it upon his child. I don't like it and wouldn't want to give my children a name I really didn't like.

But at the same time, I think he needs to be more accommodating and be more willing to compromise seeing as your children have his family name, and therefore presumably a different name to you. If you were willing to compromise on something that meant a lot to him, then he should give you the same respect.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 29/12/2013 14:07

Can you have two middle names to honor your grandmother. Most people mention all names at christening wedding etc and a perfect time to remember her.
Our last child has two middle names as neither if us wanted to give up our choice. It's a delight seeing it written, birth certificate, passport. If he will not agree to that he is being nasty and stupid when the name means so much to you.
I really hope he sees sense.

Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 14:08

Trashcanand Imperial it's not really relevant whether you or any of us like the name. It's possibly helpful to OP that most of us find it innocuous but really unless the name was really objectively cruel (say Adolf Hitler) the fact some people don't like it isn't a good enough reason for it being vetoed.

TheNightIsDark · 29/12/2013 14:08

It's an awful name. He phrased it wrongly but I agree with him I'm afraid. There's so many lovely names out there. Choose one for your DD to make her own, not give her the feeling she has to live up to a memory of a person.

Bowlersarm · 29/12/2013 14:12

It is not the point whether you like the name or not. The OP would like to use it for her daughter.

Minnieisthechristmasmouse · 29/12/2013 14:15

It's perfectly fine name. Certainly for the reasons and position described.

Does he want Taniiisha Paris or some such dreadful sleb type....?

Those that are linking Margaret to politics are plainly too old. I'm 37 and only barely registered it as a connection. Anyone under 30 wouldn't give a shiny shit.

TheNightIsDark · 29/12/2013 14:15

Yes but why?

Yes it might be a lovely name for you to honour a relative with. But for the poor child it's saying they weren't good enough to have a name that is just theirs.

Obviously just my opinion but DSD is named for DPs aunt who passed and as a result is seen by the family as an extension of that aunt and half of them can't distinguish between the aunt and DSD.

That may just be them and their bat shit craziness quirks.

Lilicat1013 · 29/12/2013 14:19

I really don't like the name (sorry!) but if I was pregnant with a girl and my husband asked me if we could use it for a middle name to honour a much loved family member I would most likely say yes.

Middle names aren't used a lot and it is a decent name with a lovely meaning and I would consider my husband's reasons for wanted it more important than my reasons for not wanting it if you see what I mean.

I just wanted to give a perspective more from your husband's position of someone who doesn't like the name and wouldn't choose to use it usually.

Although generally I think names should ideally be liked by both parents I think family names or names that are liked for special reasons should get a bit of extra consideration. The middle name slot is perfect for that, it is there but not often used.

lookdeepintotheparka · 29/12/2013 14:19

My DD' s middle name is Margaret after her great gran (DH's side) who died just before she was born. I don't particularly like the name but it was really important to DH to use it which I understand totally.

He is being very unreasonable - sorry OP

JassyRadlett · 29/12/2013 14:21

Night, if that's the case they do sound batshit crazy. I know plenty of people who are named for deceased relatives and it's no more than since way of remembering / paying tribute / carrying on a family tradition.

trashcanjunkie · 29/12/2013 14:23

Hmm, it is a tough one - at this point your baby is completely perfect, and it's hard not to become really ott at the thought of something 'spoiling' that perfection (for both of you iykwim)

Compromise seems in order, and seeing as he has already given the dcs his surname, it would only be right that it's his turn to do so, but if he's having the same weird reaction to the name as I do, it will be almost panic inducing for him.

I would honestly shelf talking about the whole idea until after the baby comes. You still have six weeks to register iirc.

You could even suggest it as a 'second' middle name - if you mention nothing else about it till then - I certainly wouldn't waste time arguing over a theoretical at this point. You 'feel' strongly' it's a girl, but it may not be...

If you have left it be, given him some time t reflect on his horridness (and I'd have words about his 'delivery') then you can bring it up at a more appropriate time and prepare your argument. You've said some fair enough stuff about why the name is important to you, and I think he should respect that.

Whilst I really dislike the name, Blush I feel your reasoning is totally sound.

Fwiw, my ex chose the names for my dts and I wasn't overly thrilled, but I went along with it as they were having my surname. Then at the last minute my dad (who I no longer see as a massive nob - another thread entirely) put serious pressure on me to give them ex's surname too! Angry we ended up giving them a double barrel surname, and ex got to choose the first and second names.

Fast forward nine years, and I am not fussed in the slightest. They are who they are, and I love them. Possibly your dp will be able to 'get over' the name Margaret being tucked in somewhere, and I feel he owes it to you as you gave them your surname.

Phew!

Bowlersarm · 29/12/2013 14:24

Night, I think that's just them tbh.

Many people use family names as middle names for their DC. I don't think most of them morph into that aged/dead relative. I think it's a nice tradition.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 29/12/2013 14:25

for the poor child it's saying they weren't good enough to have a name that is just theirs.

Nonsense. Apart from anything else, it's a middle name.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 29/12/2013 14:26

YANBU Your P is being an arse.

trashcanjunkie · 29/12/2013 14:28

And caitlin you are completely correct! It doesn't matter what we think of the name. But in truth I cannot thing of another name that I feel so strongly about.... it's an anomally. Nothing to do with politics, although ding dong and all that Grin

Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 14:30

Crikey I thought the only point of middle names was to give some rope to parents to permit a name which means something to them but can easily be dropped by the child if the child hates it. Apart from official applications it's not as if you have to use it.

My son has George for my grandfather which meant a lot to me. His father didn't like it but understood why, especially as we agreed his surname (I'm a non name changer too)

trashcanjunkie · 29/12/2013 14:30

And as a middle name, I think it's doable if it's really important. Although there are some beautiful girls names out there - I do feel robbed that I never got the chance to own a Tallulah-does-the-hula or suchlike...

TalkativeJim · 29/12/2013 14:31

Well I'm not really a huge fan of Margaret either but that's got nothing to do with it.

It's a traditional name which is loved by many so he can't argue that OP is being crazy or unreasonable. His reasoning is that HE doesn't like it. Not good enough if he's getting the surname and OP has strong sentimental reasons for wanting it.

I'd tell him his choices are Margaret Hissurname or His choices Yoursurname.

MamaBear17 · 29/12/2013 14:34

My dd has an old fashioned name as a middle name. It was dhs grans name. I don't like the name, but love what it means. It meant a huge amount to the whole family and if we have another girl she will have my nans name. I think your dh is being unreasonable.

Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 14:35

Oh and you never know how the child will react. My son did know his great grandfather and loves his middle name. Helpfully he told us when he was 17 that as it's only convention to have used his father's (very ordinary) surname he'd have preferred my (slightly unusual but not embarrassingly) one.

TheNightIsDark · 29/12/2013 14:36

I did think they were crazy.

OP can you choose one mn each? You can't veto his and he can't veto yours.

We had to compromise like this although they all have DPs surname as I'm not fussed by that.

MrsLettuce · 29/12/2013 14:37

Crikey OP, I though you were going to say it was Hildagonda or Gertrude or something vaguely controversial! Nowt wrong with Margaret at all, he needs to man up and understand that as the children have his surname it's important for you to feel a family connection in the names too.

Clunch · 29/12/2013 14:41

I have no strong feeling either way about Margaret, but I really don't like the practice of calling children after people. It was really important when we were naming our son to come up with names that had no personal associations for either of us. I can understand your husband not wanting to give your child a name that would feel 'secondhand' to him, though he should have been more tactful, and of course you are entirely within your rights to call your baby whatever first and surname you like.

Original poster
IAmTheOneWhoKnocks · 29/12/2013 14:42

I can't see any of my family seeing baby as an extension of my grandma, or the baby feeling like it has to live up to her. I would just like it to have a name that means a lot to me, sentimental reasons really.

I said my last words on it today and I will leave it as that for now. If we find out it is a girl then I'll say again when we do a shortlist of names. I know going on about it will only hinder my chances.

OP posts: