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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry that dp doesn't want my son?

147 replies

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:08

When I separated from my dh 4 years ago my 18 yo son stayed with his dad (by choice). After 3 months dh decided he didn't want him and made his life hell to try to get him to move out. I had moved into a smaller property and had no room, but 6 months ago dh threw him out literally and of course he came to me. He's been on my sofa ever since, my conservatory is his wardrobe! My dh's in a 4 bed house all on his own btw, another story! Anyway, my dp of 3 years has stormed out tonight after we rowed because he said he was worried that my ds would want to live with us when we get our own place this year. I said as far as I was concerned he would always be welcome to live with me as he was my son. AIBU to be furious with him for this attitude? My son is 23, but cannot yet afford a flat of his own.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/12/2013 22:11

Yanbu.

Your "d"p is an arsehole.

LindyHemming · 27/12/2013 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annielouisa · 27/12/2013 22:15

For me thats a deal breaker. My DC were part of me when I met my DH as much as his were to him.

Our joint lives have involved all our DC and if someone cannot accept your DS they are refusing to acknowledge and whole part of your life.

Original poster

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:16

That's what I think, he's an arse. I'm not talking to him atm, but he is really good at turning things round to make me think it's me that's bu.

OP posts:

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 27/12/2013 22:16

yep !!!
YADNBU--your DP is an arse

Your DS should always take priority over a P. Yes he is an adult but only if he has somewhere else to live should he consider moving out.
Is your 'D'P normally that unreasonable and selfish?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2013 22:17

Not enough info really.

Do they get on with each other?

Does your 23yr old contribute to the house in terms of money and housework?

Is he working or studying?

Is there any history between him and your DP?

Dawndonnaagain · 27/12/2013 22:17

Sorry, I agree with everybody else, he is part of you. Your dp is behaving like a child.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 27/12/2013 22:20

yanbu

your dp is being horrendous

MammaTJ · 27/12/2013 22:21

You certainly know how to choose them, don't you?

I would say give up on 'men' or these excuses for men that you have in your life and prioritise your son. I know he is an adult legally but still needs parental support.

WilsonFrickett · 27/12/2013 22:23

It must be quite stressful though having another grown adult sleeping on your couch. And if you were to move, presumably that means buying a house with a bedroom for DS, which of course then puts the cost up? So while of course I agree your DS should always have a place with you, I think it's also ok for DP to be frustrated by that in a sense.

I think it's ok for DP to be wanting to know what DS long term plan is, and how hes going to finance that.

Storming out is not ok, of course.

Original poster

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:23

Well Worra, I thought they got on till this morning! My ds works, is self-employed so work isn't always constant, but he gives me what he can towards the extra food I need. He only has the sofa, not an actual room so I don't feel I can charge him for accommodation. My ds is like most 23 year olds, likes socialising with his friends, spends some money on going out but not much. My dp thinks nothing of spending £50 on a night out at the pub, and does it at least 5 nights a week, so pot-kettle-black. They do get on so I'm very confused at the hostility this morning. I told him my kids come first, just as he puts his dd first.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2013 22:23

What if the 23yr old turns out to be a lazy, dope smoking drunk who expects everyone to wait on him hand and foot?

I'm not saying that's the case here...just that none of us know?

Unless I've missed something and you all know the OP's son and the reason why his Dad threw him out of his house etc...

I'm just saying that the OP has given no other information.

FredFredGeorge · 27/12/2013 22:24

Your DS should always have a place to stay when he needs it - but is it really sensible for an adult (or indeed anyone!) to be living on the sofa in a house without enough free space for him to even have a place to keep his clothes.

He doesn't need "a flat of his own" though - he can go into a house share like lots (most?) people who are his age. DP's attitude, and how he portrayed the idea sounds completely wrong - but I do think you need to think hard about the actual living arrangements and how to get your DS able to be in a more regular set up. If that is a room in your new place with a proper wardrobe and rent paid, then that's something you can get your DP on side with. If it's him kipping on your sofa again, then I'm not surprised DP wants some clarity - even if he's a dick in how he brings it up.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2013 22:24

Oh, X posted

What reasons did your DP give?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2013 22:26

Is he trying hard to get non self employed work so that he has a steady wage?

Your DP might feel differently if he regularly pays his way.

Does he feel as though your son has been/is being given a free ride by his Dad and yourself maybe?

I'm not saying he's right, just wondering what his reasons are.

VeryExasperated · 27/12/2013 22:28

I agree with worra more background needed. 23 is an adult, so there would need to be clarification about contributions, not necessarily financial, but he'd have to pull his weight somehow. Do he and your DP get on? I don't think your DP is an arsehole. It may be that he would be ok for your son to stay a while longer, but that he doesn't want it to be an indefinite arrangement. Lots of parents wouldn't be too thrilled with that. And he hasn't said no, he's expressing reservations. It's unfair on him not to be able to do that, and he's raised it with you rather than telling yr son he can't stay. How would you react if he wanted to move an elderly parent in?

Original poster

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:35

ExDH wanted him out because he was having a fling with the woman next door (you couldn't make it up). She would go out of her back door and into his (after I left they took the fence down). I assume he wanted ds out incase they were caught (she was married). DS was paying him the going rate for a room but he did his own washing and bought his own food. I'm happy to do his washing as he has a 2 hour journey to work and leaves at 5.45am and gets in after 6pm. It would be better to get a more regularly paid job but he's learning a trade and he wants to progress.

OP posts:

MatryoshkaDoll · 27/12/2013 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyingforth · 27/12/2013 22:38

I don't think your DP is an arse either. If your son was a child then DP should accept him as part of your life together. But a 23 year old adult is a different matter, and you should not insist that he becomes a permanent resident in your new home if it's going to jeopardise your future relationship.

Original poster

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:45

I told my dp it would be temporary until my ds found somewhere, but he doesn't want him at all. I said we could look for a place a bit later than we planned, to give ds time to find somewhere, but this resulted in a two hour sulk and a storming out.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2013 22:46

Really?

After 3 and a half years he suddenly threw him out in case (you assume) they were suddenly caught?

Has anyone confirmed this?

Leaving assumptions aside, have you actually asked your ex why he threw him out?

Perhaps your DP isn't buying the given assumption?

Loopytiles · 27/12/2013 22:48

Your P spends 5 nights / £250 a week at the pub? Why are you still with him?

Original poster

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:52

No Worra, he was trying to throw him out on a regular basis for 3 and a half years. He was paranoid if my ds, or the other two ds's came in and went to their rooms (the two younger ones had rooms in both my house and his) without letting him know they were in. He would shout at them if they didn't let him know they were in their rooms.

OP posts:

MatryoshkaDoll · 27/12/2013 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:54

I figure it's his money not mine. He's always been a drinker, my ex dh was so I suppose I'm used to it. Not that I agree though.

OP posts:

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