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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry that dp doesn't want my son?

147 replies

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:08

When I separated from my dh 4 years ago my 18 yo son stayed with his dad (by choice). After 3 months dh decided he didn't want him and made his life hell to try to get him to move out. I had moved into a smaller property and had no room, but 6 months ago dh threw him out literally and of course he came to me. He's been on my sofa ever since, my conservatory is his wardrobe! My dh's in a 4 bed house all on his own btw, another story! Anyway, my dp of 3 years has stormed out tonight after we rowed because he said he was worried that my ds would want to live with us when we get our own place this year. I said as far as I was concerned he would always be welcome to live with me as he was my son. AIBU to be furious with him for this attitude? My son is 23, but cannot yet afford a flat of his own.

OP posts:
marvindarvin · 27/12/2013 22:55

If that is a room in your new place with a proper wardrobe and rent paid, then that's something you can get your DP on side with. If it's him kipping on your sofa again, then I'm not surprised DP wants some clarity - even if he's a dick in how he brings it up.

100% agree with this

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:57

The two youngest live with me. I wish I'd insisted the older one came with me, but at the time I thought he could make his own choice.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 27/12/2013 22:58

You, you're dp and your dh seemed to have made your son on the bottom of your list of priorities.
It seems from your op that he was with your ex from 14, now no one wants him.
He's your son FFS, whether he's 23 or not.Angry
He should have always come first.

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 23:01

Marvin, that's what I suggested to dp, that we could find somewhere with enough room for all of us. It's me contributing the lions share of the rent, I'm renting my house out (I own it) so we can look for a larger one. He said if we did that ds would never go! I said how would he feel if I told him his dd couldn't stay with us, he then said he thought that I didn't want her with us anyway, which was a totally ridiculous thing to say!

OP posts:
DziezkoDisco · 27/12/2013 23:03

So you have two kids at home, and a partner that drinks excessively 5 nights a week. I would worry a little more about your children than that waste of space.

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 23:05

Ladybeagleyes - that's my whole point here, he's already been rejected by his father. I over-compensate a little, which greatly annoys my dp, but sod him, he doesn't know what it's like to be rejected by a parent. He had a loving up bringing till his parents died. I have no intention of leaving my ds without a roof over his head - ever.

OP posts:
lisianthus · 27/12/2013 23:07

If your DS is learning a trade, then that's something I would definitely support. I'd think of him in the same way as a student who was taking part-time work to support himself. Good on him. And he was doing all this while your exh gave him hell for three years? I would definitely want to be giving him some support now to enable him to get his trade qualification and a decent job. Besides, what message is this sending to your younger sons? After they reach their early 20s, is your partner going to want to chuck them out too?

And fair enough if he can afford it, I guess (although five nights a week spent out drinking seems a lot to me), but if your partner is drinking away£13,000 a year at the pub, then it's not as if you are on the breadline and can't afford to feed your eldest.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/12/2013 23:07

I think at 23 your DS should be making an effort to find a flatshare, if he earns a reasonable amount. At that age, I wouldn't want to have to factor him in when looking for a new house, so I can see DP's perspective on that (although I think in other ways he sounds unreasonable).

I have to say, whether your DP spends lots going out or not, I can see if he'd be annoyed at DS spending money drinking if he isn't paying his way or saving to move out. He's been living with his father for some time and perhaps isn't used to paying his share or being sensible with his money.

lisianthus · 27/12/2013 23:10

Anyway, YANBU, and I think you are absolutely right to never leave your sonewithout a roof over his head. I can't imagine how your partner might twist this against you, but if he tries, that wouldn't be a point in his favour in my book.

lisianthus · 27/12/2013 23:11

"Son" "without" argh typing fail.

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 23:11

The way things are with me and dp atm, I think it may all be academic. If he sulks and refuses to discuss, we're never going to resolve this anyway.
I sometimes think ds is the more mature one!

OP posts:
VeryExasperated · 27/12/2013 23:16

I don't think your DP is being unreasonable as far as your DS is concerned. He's obviously always been nice to him, if today is the first time you've been aware of any issues, and there's no question of him not agreeing to live with the younger ones. Your DS is a working adult. If he could afford to pay your ex DH the going rate, he can afford a flat share. If he were going to be on the streets, of course it would be different, but I don't expect your DP would hold the same views in that case.

hopefulgum · 27/12/2013 23:18

If a child, no matter what age, can't seek support from his mum, what good are parents? You are DNBU, he is your son, and he should be able to live with you if that is what you want. It is not unusual for grown up children to live with their parents until they become more established. It is so hard to find accommodation that doesn't cost the earth.

I have a 22 year old son, and although he left home at 17 (his choice), he has been back several times when things went pair shaped. I am so glad he felt that he could return home to us. At times it wasn't easy. He isn't easy to live with, but he's my son and I couldn't kick him onto the street. It may seem that I was being too soft, but now he is in a great steady job he enjoys, living in a lovely part of the city with a friend,and doing really well.

I can't really understand the issue your DP has. It may feel that you are all squashed in with DS on the sofa, but if you are moving to a new place, why not get something that can fit an extra person in? Where's the harm? Seems to me your DP just doesn't want him living with you, so would prefer not to have the extra room.

To me it is a no-brainer. He's your son, and if your DP doesn't want him around, do you really want to be with your DP?

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 23:22

Well the main reason things got so bad is that dp wouldn't listen, kept getting angry and shouting over me when I tried to explain that I wanted to give ds time to save up etc. Said once he lived with us we'd never get rid of him, which of course made me angry. I said my ds wasn't a stray animal that just wandered in. He got angry that I asked for our plans to move in together to be delayed for a few months.

OP posts:
VeryExasperated · 27/12/2013 23:25

Now I'm finding him a lot less reasonable. It would be fair to give him a few extra months to save etc. in fact that seems the most sensible option. And pretty brutal to talk about getting rid of someone.

Cantabile · 27/12/2013 23:25

Sorry, how many rooms do you have? You have 2 younger ds's living with you, a sdd, and your older son? Is that 3 bed or 4 bed? If it's 4 bed then some of the boys can share until such time that things change; if 3 bed, then all 3 boys can share the biggest room (which is probably yours). This is what happens in most families, isn't it?

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 23:28

Hopefulgum, you know what it's like then? That was the thing I tried to get across to my dp (btw we live separately atm). It will be our first place together so I thought an ideal chance to get a big enough place for all of us. He seems to resent me wanting my ds with me at all. I'm glad to have him with me, but not having a room is obviously not ideal but we manage. I'm seriously wondering whether to just call time on the relationship altogether over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 23:31

Cantabile, I live in a cottage style house with very small bedrooms. There are three but not really big enough for more than one bed in each, hence ds being on the sofa.

OP posts:
puddingsforsandy · 27/12/2013 23:32

Op, always be there for your son. Never put a man before your children. I think you're doing great.

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 23:38

Don't worry Puddings, I will never put a man before my children. DP has always made it clear his dd comes first, so am a bit confused that he expects me to put him before my ds? Typical man I suppose.

OP posts:
hopefulgum · 27/12/2013 23:39

Bashing, yes I do know what it's like, but I have a DH, who is DS's dad, so no issues there, although there have been times when they have really clashed and DH has threatened to throw him out. However, things always calmed down and were fine in the end. I have had another child when DS was 17, so every time he's come home, he's had to sleep on the sofa bed in the playroom. It wasn't ideal, but we made the best of it.

I know that when I was growing up, I left home to go to Uni, and could always come home to my parent's house. After Uni I traveled, and at age 24 came home to my parents, broke and unemployed (I soon got a job and left home). There was no question of whether I was welcome, it was my home and I knew I could always go there, no matter what. My older brother lived there until he was 27, but he did leave, so it wasn't forever!

My 20 year still lives with us, is fully employed and has had stints of living out of home, but honestly, I love having him live with us. He pays board, and does a lot to help around the house. It is actually really nice having another adult in the home, and his younger siblings love having him here too. When he is ready he'll move into his own place, he's already talking about it.

It sounds like your DP has an issue with your DS and it is important that DP behave like an adult and talk it over with you. I don't know the details of your relationship, so I don't know if it is a deal-breaker, but surely if your DP loves you he would realise that it is worth discussing the issue. If he can't do that, then, yes, give him his marching orders.

I know the drinking is a separate issue, but I'm not sure I'd be trying all that hard to stay with your DP. That's a lot of wasted money, and you know it will really affect his health in later years, and you'll be the one taking care of him...

HopeClearwater · 27/12/2013 23:44

Hmmm your DP spends fifty quid a night on alcohol most days and always manages to turn things round so they're tot fault? Great deal.

HopeClearwater · 27/12/2013 23:44

*your not tot!

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 23:47

Thanks Hopefulgum, you talk a lot of sense. I do love having ds back with me, but this seems to irritate dp. I suppose I want to recreate the family I had when I was still with my dh. I've never really got used to not being a "proper" family. DP tried to say this afternoon that what I really wanted was to be back with my exdh, which is totally not the case. I want to have a family home with him and his dd. Im beginning to wonder (he is now in the pub I assume) if I should just cut and run over this issue. His drinking will probably catch up with him in the end I suppose, and I'm not a very good nurse.....

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/12/2013 23:50

Cantabile, I live in a cottage style house with very small bedrooms. There are three but not really big enough for more than one bed in each, hence ds being on the sofa.

Wait...so you have 3 kids and a small 3 bedroom house.

Why on earth is he sleeping on the sofa? Confused

At least get a bunk bed or a mattress for one of his sibling's bedroom floors.