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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry that dp doesn't want my son?

147 replies

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:08

When I separated from my dh 4 years ago my 18 yo son stayed with his dad (by choice). After 3 months dh decided he didn't want him and made his life hell to try to get him to move out. I had moved into a smaller property and had no room, but 6 months ago dh threw him out literally and of course he came to me. He's been on my sofa ever since, my conservatory is his wardrobe! My dh's in a 4 bed house all on his own btw, another story! Anyway, my dp of 3 years has stormed out tonight after we rowed because he said he was worried that my ds would want to live with us when we get our own place this year. I said as far as I was concerned he would always be welcome to live with me as he was my son. AIBU to be furious with him for this attitude? My son is 23, but cannot yet afford a flat of his own.

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 28/12/2013 14:59

BeastOfBurden "living in student halls* is a distinct category and it's not many at all (just 1%, and the same for both male and female, unlike most of the other categories. But it wouldn't distort the figures anyway, since the stats are nothing about living with parents for the whole time between 20 and 34, it just means in 2012 men in that age range were living in the various groups.

The definition of "leaving home" is the problem with the average age thing - does going away for a few years count, does university, does moving in or not leaving your parents because they need a carer etc. count? But I don't believe you could come up with one that got it that high - most people are in a stable relationship by then.

FraidyCat · 28/12/2013 15:07

Even your partner's son Fraidy?

Frankly, it's a (very big) stretch for me to put up with living with my DW!

I don't disagree with your priorities, just saying that a hypothetical partner would be not be unreasonable to have different preferences. No-one is being unreasonable, in the OP scenario. (Except maybe the OP for not understanding why a man would not want to share a house with a non-partner who was 19 when they first met.)

I think peoples views on this will be coloured by finances hence what they're used to. People who have been able to afford live on their own all their adult life are hardly likely to want to experience the horror of sharing. (I was in a house-share for a traumatic six months.)

My dream is to live in adjacent flat to DW with interconnecting door, so that I can effectively share DD without having to put up with DW mess in my space.

Rachelicious · 28/12/2013 15:16

To be fair then your DS has had 3 and a half years to find somewhere even a little studio flat just to get himself out. Maybe your ex kicked him out because he didn't like his house being used as a hideaway for your DS and the married woman

sparklysilversequins · 28/12/2013 15:38

My children are and will always be more important than any man I decide to take up with.

I have never said this on MN before but I actually feel sad for some posters children who it appears will be summarily ejected at the age the parent deems they should be able to live independently and who would choose some random bloke who spends 5 nights a week in the pub over their OWN CHILD!

sparklysilversequins · 28/12/2013 15:44

That post is spot on bochead.

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/12/2013 15:57

It's something I see/hear a lot on MN sparkly but not in RL.
I like to think that those who will kick their kids out as soon as they're off age are not mums of grown up sons and daughters and it's therefore theoretical.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 28/12/2013 16:07

Fred and rachelicious it wasn't the OP's DS who was having the fling with the next door neighbour, it was the OP's exH who didn't want witnesses to his shagging a married woman.

I think people underestimate how hard it is these days for young people to have a plac of their own - even a room in a shared house. The majority of my colleagues (women in their mid/late 20s) live like this and depending on where you are, rents can still be horrendous. And it does take time to save up for having essential bits and pieces so if you are in a low-paid job involving training I see the problem.

And the OP's DP sounds like an arse.

Rachelicious · 28/12/2013 16:50

Ok my bad sorry!

MadameJosephine · 28/12/2013 17:56

You can always find another boyfriend but your son is precious, and a one time only deal.

Totally agree bochead

foreverondiet · 28/12/2013 17:58

I was going to say he is your son but he is 23 and an adult, and your relationship with your dp started on the basis that your so wasn't living with you. Why can't your son rent a room in a shared house?

CecilyP · 28/12/2013 18:02

If he spends that much time in the pub I'm worried your DP is an alchy, or at least heading that way. An addict is fundamentally selfish and probably not the best long term option for you or your younger kids.

If he is spending £50 an night, I can't see how he isn't an alcoholic. At that level of spending, he is not going for a few beers and the craic.

Viviennemary · 28/12/2013 18:12

I think it is understandable that your DP doesn't want your son staying. If that wasn't part of the original agreement. Still he is your son and you should do what you can to help him but I don't think you can automatically expect somebody else to be overenthusiastic about having an adult step child suddenly move in.

Damnautocorrect · 28/12/2013 19:03

Firstly, your doing the right thing even if there's not a room for your son there should always be room (iyswim). Your dp is being quite silly.
The way house and rent prices are now, I think adult children will be living at home a lot longer than they used to.

Blu · 28/12/2013 19:19

The £1000 a month on drink in the pub would be enough for me not to want to set up a household with someone. If you own your own house (and I I guess your DP does not?) please do not compromise your ownership of your assets by marrying someone who does not bring his own property to the deal and drinks away that amount of money.

If you are contributing a fair share and enough to provide a bedroom for your DS, and your DS contributes something, your DP should be reasonable and care about you enough to support what is important to you.

It's so aggressively territorial - wanting to oust the eldest male stepson from his patch.

But I can see that a future in a household full of grown non-independent adults is not what any of us really want in the long term

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 28/12/2013 20:00

I'm going against the majority here but it's reasonable to give your son a time limit to get himself together.... Say 12 months, he is an adult.
You may feel totally comfortable having your son around indefinitely but it doesn't mean dp is (even if it's a different pArtner)
You can alwAys be there for you son and rightly so but it doesn't mean you gave to live together.
In the end you are doing your son a favour. He must leave the nest sometime .

sparklysilversequins · 28/12/2013 20:04

And what about the £1k a month on alcohol spending DP? What's the timeframe for him getting his act together?

Damnautocorrect · 28/12/2013 20:11

Trades take time to learn and being self employed time to establish.
I'm amazed at this kick him out attitude? He's not out drinking, he's not out spending money on fast cars and loose women! He's setting himself up for life and making a future (and I do believe more people should be training in 'trades'). Support him as long as he needs it op. How much better would it be if he could learn a trade, establish his business and save for a property deposit? Or rent a room and be stuck renting a room for ever as he can't ever save?

Original poster
Bashingabrickwall · 28/12/2013 22:00

Well now for today's developments - heard nothing more last night from "d"p so decided to go to his to see if he had calmed down. Got there at 1pm and he was still in bed?? Dsd was there getting ready to go to her Saturday job. Said he'd been in the pub (as usual) last night. She seemed very subdued. After she'd left I waited a short while but he didn't come out, so I made him a coffee and took it in to him. He was in bed reading and had a face like thunder. Said dd wasn't talking to him as he'd had a go at her the night before because "I told him to"??? (She can be quite condescending and rude to me and him when she's in a bad mood and I'd mentioned this to him). Anyway, he was in a foul mood, called me some names and when I retaliated threw the hot coffee over me, followed by the mug!!!! Then came round the bed and started waving his fists about. Needless to say - END OF RELATIONSHIP.

OP posts:
DizzyZebra · 28/12/2013 22:06

You're better off out of it lovey. I'm sorry he did that x

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 28/12/2013 22:11

Sorry to hear this. It's appalling.
Better the devil you know though

annielouisa · 28/12/2013 22:13

Just see this as a lucky escape. I think if your DS had moved out your exdp may not have revealed his true colours until much later. I am so sorry you met the real man in such a horrible way.

LiberalLibertine · 28/12/2013 22:21

Oh bashing what a twat eh?

Better now than later though.

Are you alright?

hopefulgum · 28/12/2013 22:22

Bashing, I am sorry this has happened to you. He sounds like a total bastard. You are definitely better off without him, though I do understand it may hurt to have the relationship over.

You did the right thing, putting your DS first.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/12/2013 22:28

God, sorry your relationship went tits up - git. I can't help but be a bit relieved for your DS though.

Fwiw, he doesn't sound like the type (5am starts, working towards qualifications) who is planning on living on your sofa indefinitely, it sounds to me like he's laying the foundations of his career and your support now is helping him do that.

Given the examples of your exh and exp, he's a credit to you.

FudgefaceMcZ · 28/12/2013 22:29

God poor you and son, glad to hear you're rid of 'D'P though sorry you had to go through that. :( Your son sounds great though, you've obviously done a great job bringing him up and I hope you all have happy times now without the idiot around!