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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry that dp doesn't want my son?

147 replies

Bashingabrickwall · 27/12/2013 22:08

When I separated from my dh 4 years ago my 18 yo son stayed with his dad (by choice). After 3 months dh decided he didn't want him and made his life hell to try to get him to move out. I had moved into a smaller property and had no room, but 6 months ago dh threw him out literally and of course he came to me. He's been on my sofa ever since, my conservatory is his wardrobe! My dh's in a 4 bed house all on his own btw, another story! Anyway, my dp of 3 years has stormed out tonight after we rowed because he said he was worried that my ds would want to live with us when we get our own place this year. I said as far as I was concerned he would always be welcome to live with me as he was my son. AIBU to be furious with him for this attitude? My son is 23, but cannot yet afford a flat of his own.

OP posts:
DizzyZebra · 28/12/2013 10:51

And in your sons age and if id been able to stick at it id have been nearly as qualified as id set out to be by now, or at least qualified enough to be working and earning more and paying for my own exams.

It still upsets me, as i never asked for money to go out etc. Training was my life. I was there thirteen hours a day and on my days off either helped my mum with her animals or went off out with DDs dad (i didn't have dd then).

The only positive is that i have my lovely children now and ill be fucked if i do some of the absolute cuntish things she did to me.

I mean, what sort of parent shits all over their Childs efforts of gaining a placement that 1) got her out of paying for any tuition like a normal parent and 2) provides everything to start their career, and forces them to quit to go on benefits and get a council flat?

DizzyZebra · 28/12/2013 10:51

Sorry that turned into a rant.

Beastofburden · 28/12/2013 10:54

kmc your perspective is useful and interesting because it is very close to what the DP presumably feels. Do you think my guess is right- that you would feel the same way about the OPs younger kids as they reach their early 20s - he is likely to want them gone as well?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2013 10:57

OP, I have sympathy for you because you sound upset but help me with the timeline here. You've been split from your husband for four years and have been with your 'DP' for three years. When did you move in together?

I ask because if your DP moved in with you quickly, or vice versa, when did you ever get the change to discuss and agree the living arrangements. I think it makes a difference. Yes, your children are always your priority but they won't necessarily, as adults, be a new partner's priority.

DizzyZebra · 28/12/2013 10:58

I got the impression that OP only suggested putting off moving because her boyfriend doesn't want the son living with them when they move in together.

So its not the son dictating that, its the boyfriends spitefulness. This is her son, where else is he supposed to go? Its not a permanent situation.

Beastofburden · 28/12/2013 10:59

Witch, they haven't moved in together yet. That's what they are trying to decide now, which has prompted the argument.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2013 11:03

Beastofburden, thanks, missed that.

Beastofburden · 28/12/2013 11:08

There is a permanent element to the problem. When the little kids are bigger, either the DP will make them go as well, or he will let them stay, which will make the eldest boy feel even more rejected.

I am lucky that my eldest is in a position to leave home and be independent. For many kids- like Zebra- it takes time to become financially secure and being made to leave too early can sabotage everything. Not every kid goes off to university at 18 and then lands a nice job right away. If I can bring family wealth (class if you like) into it, I know many families who are "working class" / less well off where adult kids have lived at home into their 20s while they settled. To the more wealthy families who can afford to help with flat deposits and whose kids go into professional jobs, this seems weird. But in fact it's a relatively privileged lifestyle, and a relatively recent one. Not everyone can afford to do this. Not every young person who needs a bit more sponsorship at home is a scrounger.

By the time my DS has finished his doctorate he will be 25. His base will be home when he is not living at his Uni on his grant, which admittedly will be most of the year. I bet nobody tells me i should make him to move out and stop scrounging.

Joysmum · 28/12/2013 11:11

I can't understand why young adults don't want to move out and be independent as soon as they are able. Oh, and don't get me started on the entitlement that young adults seem to feel which means they could only move out if they could afford a flat! What about renting a room, sharing a house etc?

I loved my mum and dad dearly but couldn't wait to become responsible for myself, hubby was the same (we were friends then, not in a relationship). My god we lived in some shitholes but it was worth it to cut the apron strings.

Jux · 28/12/2013 11:19

The poor young man has recently been soundly and irrevocably rejected by his dad with whom he has grown up; and now he is being soundly rejected by his mum's dp. I really hope he doesn't know how little the adult males in his life care about him. He is adjusting to a huge emotional blow from his own father and now people are advocating that his mother does the same.

Of all the children, he needs the emotional stability provided by at least one parent the most right now. When he feels secure again, he will be keen to live his own life, get his own place - sharing with others or not - but he really really needs to know that he has a safe place to go with people who love him. Bashing is providing that, rightly so. The more secure he feels with her, the sooner he will leave and the happier and more successful he will be.

I do think that there is something to be alarmed about in a man who spends 5 nights a week spending £50 a night down the pub, but that's a different issue. I do think that the dp feels insecure about doing it and doesn't want the young man around as a witness. I am probably making 5 out of 2+2, but, Bashing, is this man actually good to you? What is his behaviour when he's drinking/been drinking like?

DizzyZebra · 28/12/2013 11:20

Joysmum - Its not entitled to want to have some financial security and to think your parents would support you in that.

We don't know the OPs son but the few people i know of my age (im 23) who do live at home are independent and contribute to the house. If a house share were available great but im not sure how living at home is any less independant for most than a house share (unless your parents do everything for you, mine didn't except cooking but that's because mums gf wants to, she doesn't like anyone, even my mum, doing the cooking).

DizzyZebra · 28/12/2013 11:23

But yes, i was glad to be away from someone who clearly doesn't give a shit.

You know the best thing? This "life" she wanted back consists of sitting on the fucking computer morning til night and moaning about everything. I could understand it if she actually had things she wanted to do.

Her fucking dogs are more important than i am.

mrsjay · 28/12/2013 11:24

yanbu this is a warning this man will not want your son near you at all he wants you all to himself, this happened to my friend she allowed her husband to bully and intimidate her son until he left home at 16 then he did the same with her other son he went to live with a relative at 14,

mrsjay · 28/12/2013 11:26

joysmum my dd is a young adult stays at home but is independent works goes to uni and pays her way she just lives here atm she cant afford to move out she doesn't want to houseshare and live with people she doesn't know , just because grown up children live at home doesn't make them entitled brats

FraidyCat · 28/12/2013 12:15

I am a man and there's no way I would want to share a house with another man of any age, however much I liked him. (Not even my father or brother, neither of whom I dislike.) Though, for no rational reason I can specify, I might be less worried by the prospect of sharing with a woman.

I would be disappointed if my relationship had to be put on hold because a 23-year-old couldn't support himself. Especially if I believed that it might be several years before he became independent.

BohemianGirl · 28/12/2013 12:20

O/t - I have to be honest with you all - I dont know any young people who 'house share' unless they are at uni.

This seems to be a MN phenomenon again - loads of young people house sharing with strangers. Statistically young people (especially males) do not move out of the parental home until their mid 30's.

crazyspaniel · 28/12/2013 12:31

I can understand, to some extent, not wanting to live with the adult offspring of a partner. However, it sounds as if your partner is hardly going to be pulling his own weight when you move in together if you will be paying the "lion's share" of the rent while he blows £250 a week in the pub. If that's the case, he's going to be just as dependent on you for a roof over his head as your son is. Sorry, but I would not be willing to move in with someone with that attitude to money, that's not a partnership.

ShinyBauble · 28/12/2013 12:32

I would initially be more concerned about the emotional abuse and gaslighting in this relationship than your son's living arrangements.

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/12/2013 13:14

Even your partner's son Fraidy?
My ds is away at uni in a city, which is far better for him than living in the back of beyond with me and no job prospects.
I don't have a partner but believe me if he hit 23 and needed somewhere to stay there is no way I would put a partner before him.
There will always be a place for him.

creighton · 28/12/2013 13:23

how old is the partner's daughter and where is she living at present? why is it alright if she comes to live in the new home but not the 23 year old son? who will be looking after her while her father is in the pub?

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2013 13:52

BohemianGirl

Lots of people house share, but it will depend on where you live as to whether it is a regular/common practice.

FredFredGeorge · 28/12/2013 14:10

"rejected by his dad" not exactly, he refused to abide by the house rules of not shagging the neighbour in the house without taking care to not be interrupted by his siblings. And even that took 3.5 years, that's hardly "rejection".

BohemianGirl Only 29% of men aged 18-34 lived with a parent in 2012, so there's no way the average age of leaving is in the 30's 15% were in a houseshare vs 10% living alone. (Most were in a couple, 39%)

Another 3% were also living with another family - as a lodger or with a siblings family etc.

SilverApples · 28/12/2013 14:14

I wouldn't be with a partner who yelled and shouted and was incapable of rational, logical discussion.
Or who couldn't accept my view of what makes a family.

Beastofburden · 28/12/2013 14:24

Fred those figures don't exactly prove what you say. Many men 18 to 21 will be away at university for three years and then come back. That would distort those figures.

Though I do agree that the average age of 30 doesn't look plausible from what I know anecdotally.

bochead · 28/12/2013 14:27

If he spends that much time in the pub I'm worried your DP is an alchy, or at least heading that way. An addict is fundamentally selfish and probably not the best long term option for you or your younger kids.

Your 23 year old son is big enough to help prevent some of the emotionally abusive behavioural patterns I've seen alcoholic men pull. Men like this change when they've got the cow, at the moment you still retain your home and independence from your partner. I see waaaay too many red flags here to want to move in with a man like this for a woman with kids and her own financial independence. You've got shot of one loser in the exH, don't repeat a disturbing relationship pattern.

Given the dire economic climate right now, I'm a bit surprised at the "kick em out as soon as you can to make their way in the world brigade". Your son is training for a trade - that's not being an idle loafer, and as decent well paid jobs/apprenticeships etc are so difficult to come by now, good on him.

I respect you as a mother for wanting to support your child to the best of your ability. You can always find another boyfriend but your son is precious, and a one time only deal.

It's also good for your younger kids to see their 23 year old brother striving to achieve his goals by leaving the house so early every day etc. Keep your family unit tight, striving towards success and leave your DP on the outside looking in for the time being is my advice.