AIBU to be angry that dp doesn't want my son?

[Bashingabrickwall]

When I separated from my dh 4 years ago my 18 yo son stayed with his dad (by choice). After 3 months dh decided he didn't want him and made his life hell to try to get him to move out. I had moved into a smaller property and had no room, but 6 months ago dh threw him out literally and of course he came to me. He's been on my sofa ever since, my conservatory is his wardrobe! My dh's in a 4 bed house all on his own btw, another story! Anyway, my dp of 3 years has stormed out tonight after we rowed because he said he was worried that my ds would want to live with us when we get our own place this year. I said as far as I was concerned he would always be welcome to live with me as he was my son. AIBU to be furious with him for this attitude? My son is 23, but cannot yet afford a flat of his own.

Bashing, I cross posted with you. Thought you lived with your dp and his dd, as well as your boys. You weren't being unreasonable anyway, but you are even less U when you and dp don't live together yet.

Well, I hope he comes round if that's what you want, but you will never regret making space for your son, whereas you would almost certainly regret making space for your dp at the expense of your son. It sounds like your dp may not be quite the man you thought he was. I'm sorry for that. More discussion/time needed before you make the move. Like hopefulgum, I wouldn't be rushing to move in with a man who spent that much drinking 5 nights a week. You may decide that your son inadvertently saved you from a bigger problem. Good luck.

YANBU.

Worra, ds gets up at 5am to go to work. It's a small house so hard not to wake us all up when he's getting ready for work, so it seems easier for him to be on the sofa. He sleeps in one of the beds if there's one free at weekends when the others stay at their dad's place.

bashing this blowing up now before you move in together could be a massive blessing in disguise.

If think very carefully about the strength of the basket you are putting your eggs into.

But if you want him in your home, surely he should have one of the 3 available bedrooms?

I'm sure he can manage to turn his alarm off and leave the bedroom quietly. If the alarm wakes a sibling, I'm sure they'll roll over and go back to sleep.

I'm not understanding this now, it's as though he's in limbo when he's at your house?

Perhaps your DP would be happier if this man was off of the sofa and in a bedroom?

250 a week in the pub is more than I earn :( he sounds like a twat tbh

The son is 23 and earns a decent wage, but is still at home and sleeping on the sofa? The house sounds crowded, and DP is living with the 2 younger sons already (fair enough, but it may well be stressful for him).
Surely it's now time for the 23 year old to take responsibility for his own life and to move out and live independently. He is an adult now, and earning his own living. He doesn't have to be put above his mother's partner indefinitely.

The DP is

I'm not sure why your DP is getting grief on here for spending £250 in the pub. Is it his own money? Can he afford to do it? Do you have an issue with how much time he spends in the pub because you haven't actually stated that only that you don't actually live together yet.

Bloody phone!

The DP isn't living there at all. And it's not his sofa to want the ds off.

He doesn't live there so the current sleeping arrangements are a non issue in terms of the point of this post. The point is the op and her dp are planning to move in together. The OP will be paying the larger proportion of the rent on the house they get together. They plan to get a BIGGER house so there is room for all of them, including the DPs dd. However the DP has now said he doesn't want the OP's ds moving with them.

I'd be running fast and far from this relationship.

I don't think your dp should be obliged to accept an adult child living with you both if he prefers not to. It doesn't seem at all unreasonable to me. The situation is not the same as it would have been if your DS was ten years younger. Many, many parents in the stereotypical nuclear family would, at this stage, be saying, 'Right, love. You know we're here for you but it's time you tried standing on your own feet for a while.' I can imagine a biological dad saying that without any problems. That your partner has said it now doesn't make him sound unpleasant as a person or reluctant to accept your children. There's a huge difference between accepting dependent children (part of the person) and independent children - who are vitally important but not necessarily within the boundary line in the way that a dependent child is.

If you are lonely because your partner is down the pub every night and your pleasant DS is not only a more deserving object of your sympathy but also providing companionship, that's something else again. And possibly more unhealthy, to be honest. Only you know.

I don't think either of you are being especially unreasonable tbh. I don't blame your DP for not wanting to move in with your adult son, I'm not sure whether I would want this either. However, you are definitely not unreasonable to want to give your DS a place to stay while he needs it - no matter how old he is, he will always be your son and he should always be welcome in your home.

I think the problem is not that either of you has unreasonable expectations, but rather that your wishes and those of your DP are not really compatible. If this is the case, perhaps you need to think long and hard about whether moving in together is really such a good idea.

So the new partner is ok with the other children, it's just the sofa surfer he has issue with?

Is there a reason for that because I'm reading between the lines: low paid job, sofa surfer, mum doing everything for him (meals, washing), benefit of a free lifestyle.

I don't think it unreasonable of the new partner to want to ascertain if he is going to be financially supporting the 23yo and some point in the not to distant future. You can be sure I wouldnt be if the roles were reversed.

I do think your DP should accept your son and you are a package but equally he's 23! He's not exactly a teenager and I do think he should be looking to fly the nest. If he can't afford his own flat can he get a room in a house? I'm 32 and have to do that as I can't afford my own place, it's shit but at some point you have to stop relying on your parents and your son is pretty old to be still doing this.

All sounds crazy to me, my adult DCs don't live with me and I don't really want them to. They have their own lives now.

And a heavy drinking DP???? You're nuts imo, OP.

Your 23 year old son should be making plans to move out
Your partner drinks too much and is a bit insensitive
Best if you encourage your son to start looking for a place of his own and stay in your cottage with your younger boys.

TBH I dont think its up to anyone else to tell you where your son should be sleeping in your home. No one here knows the layout/size of your home so all the 'you should' do this/that is just silly. The point is surely that your DP doesnt want to give your son extra time to save for his own place and is refusing to discuss how to get around the issue. You dont live with your DP so he has no say in how you run your home or where anyone sleeps for that matter. Obviously he does if you get a place together and as you have suggested you delay moving in together until your DS has saved enough to move out I assume you are not suggesting your older DSove with you anyway?

Your DS sounds as if he's doing all the right things to make a secure future for himself. Life is so tough for young people these days and I've noticed MN is often full of people saying they should stand on their own two feet, not be living at home, are scroungers, freeloaders, etc.

I'm guessing most of these people don't yet have adult children.

I would also run a mile from someone who seems so keen to piss what will presumably soon be joint finances up the wall. That won't end well.

It sounds as if your DP is impatient to get to the stage where he has you all to himself and can lead a carefree life free from the boring side of parenting. The drinking is something young, fancy free men can do but not normally people who are taking on mature responsibility for a larger blended family.

This talk of getting rid of your adult children may not end here. You say he gets on with your DS fine as a person. In that case, I expect that its to do with age, and in the future he will put similar pressure on your younger boys when they are old enough, in his eyes, to leave home.

I also think that young adult males are far more vulnerable than society gives them credit for. Psychologically, I think it makes all the difference to have a safe haven. And it is very damaging for this young man to get the message twice running that men who want sex resent adult children getting in the way. First his dad and now your DP, both saying the same thing.

In your shoes i would not move in together until all your kids are adults. I think you will get the same issues with the little ones in their turn. And if you can, I would do something to make him more space. Could you rent/buy a caravan and park it in the garden? Or do something with your garage? Or even convert the loft? The last two wouldnt be wasted money, they would add value to your house, and underline the message that this is his home forever.

And if you can't afford an extra loan, and he can't afford a flat, he could probably afford to service the extra loan you would need for a loft conversion. Then it would be his flat, and he would have a little bit of equity in your house.

DP is an idiot. However, why can't your son get a room in a houses share? Surely at 23 he would want to be independent from his mum.

I don't think you should be angry so much as glad for the opportunity to take stock of your situation regarding your DP. The fact that he stormed off rather than trying to rationally discuss the pros and cons of providing a home for your DS when you find a place together would ring warning bells for me. I can see he might be projecting from the cramped situation that you are in at the moment, but would surely realise that if your DS had his own room, you would hardly know he was there. And the extra rent for a house with an extra bedroom would be a fraction of what he spends in the pub. He might be worrying about a situation where you take a house with an extra bedroom only for your DS to move out shortly afterwards, but again, that is something that should be discussed calmly between the 3 of you.

The situation with your DP may be fine in what is currently a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but would you really want to live with someone who not only spends 5 nights a week in the pub but also spends £50 a night in doing so. When you are expected to pay the lions share of the bills because your DP is broke, would you still be happy? If you would like to do other things with your DP in the evenings would he give up the pub and do things that you want? He is an alcoholic and your life would revolve around this need. Do you really want that?

In a way, you have put your life on hold on the assumption that you would all move in together. If it was not for your plans to move in with DP you would, presumably, be looking for your own place large enough to accommodate all your DC.

No way in hell would I move in with someone if they had an adult child also living with them. Might as well just relive my student days and get a room in a house share.

Honestly, how awkward would it be. Your DP has only known your DS as an adult therefore they won't have any semblance of a parent/child relationship. Two adults sharing a house are bound to annoy the hell out of each other sometimes, but because your DS is not just some guy your DP is flatting with, but the child of his partner, he'll be walking on eggshells trying to deal with any issues that arise.

I also wouldn't be happy to hold back on progressing a relationship so as not to disturb a 23yr old man's life. Of course you want to put DS first, but from your DP's perspective the course of his relationship with you is being decided by your adult son's life choices. I wouldn't find that an acceptable situation.

I couldn't be with someone like that. Its horrible living with someone who doesn't want you there.

My mum forced me to move out at 18 because she didn't see why it was her responsibility to provide anything for me and she should be "getting her life back" (don't have fucking kids then!)

I could never do it to my kids. It fucked my life up for a long time. I was training for my BHS exams to be a BHS instructor. That went out the window (id gotten myself a work placement which meant i worked on the yard in return for training and exams being paid for by my boss with just enough income to give my mum some board).

I obviously couldn't run a flat on it and had to quit and ive never been able to afford it since. She ruined my career. She ruined my self esteem. And she doesn't even give a shit. She fully believes its right and laughs at parents who have their adult children living with them. It fucks me off.

Please do not allow this man to do the same to your son.