AIBU to be angry that dp doesn't want my son?

[Bashingabrickwall]

When I separated from my dh 4 years ago my 18 yo son stayed with his dad (by choice). After 3 months dh decided he didn't want him and made his life hell to try to get him to move out. I had moved into a smaller property and had no room, but 6 months ago dh threw him out literally and of course he came to me. He's been on my sofa ever since, my conservatory is his wardrobe! My dh's in a 4 bed house all on his own btw, another story! Anyway, my dp of 3 years has stormed out tonight after we rowed because he said he was worried that my ds would want to live with us when we get our own place this year. I said as far as I was concerned he would always be welcome to live with me as he was my son. AIBU to be furious with him for this attitude? My son is 23, but cannot yet afford a flat of his own.

Dear, dear me. Dear me!

I was going to say I can't get past the £50pnx5pw ie the heavy drinking. The stuff with your son pales in comparison. And you were thinking of introducing him into your home with your kids living there?? You need your head testing OP.

Get rid, get rid, get rid. And that was before the hot coffee debacle.

Honestly OP - why on earth did you go round there when he hadn't turned up?

Girl, sort yourself out. You're choosing really crap men. Find out why - do it for your kids if you can't do it for you. Get some therapy, read some books - there's a lot out there.

(btw you 23yo ds is technically homeless and would get a place from eg the council or homeless orgs quickly. I work for an org that houses 16-25yo's and sleeping on a sofa is technically homeless)

Bloody hell!
All very upsetting, and the end of a 3 year relationship can't be easy.
But in the longer term you are very well rid.

Everything about his reaction to your son raises a red flag. As some posters said, there may be some sympathy for him not wanting an adult son to be a permanent resident in the home, but for him to have sulked, stormed out etc, rather than discussing it calmly, to have no respect for your feelings, no care and concern for your son and his efforts to get established, and then to react so violently - a forest of red flags for any healthy relationship.

You had a lucky escape.

And I'm not sure that becoming used to a partner drinking to that extent and expense is in your best interests, either. It isn't normal or reasonable behaviour.

I have read all of this thread and I think that sharing assets with your DP would be a really bad idea. It really screwed me up spending years of my young adult life and adolescence not having a secure base or bedroom to go home to. I felt like my family didn't care and their priorities were elsewhere. Your DS needs your support and some stability, your DP is a mature adult who, it sounds like, is pissing his life up the wall. Im sure you can do better on your own OP.

x post OP. I wrote this post and it didnt appear until sometime later. Apologies. I wish you well.

No, if you read my post properly it was my exdh having the affair, not my ds!!

How upsetting for you - I'm sorry. But you are well rid. Some of your earlier posts were ringing alarm bells.

Here's to a much better 2014 for you and your son.

Thanks for all your words of comfort. I do feel a sense of relief, but much regret of the three + years of my life that I'll never get back. I'm a bit numb at the moment, still have crunchy hair from the sugar in his coffee!! I'm working tomorrow so it'll take my mind off things, so good. I'm not going to forget the nasty look on his face when he threw the coffee in a hurry - that will stay with me for a long while I think. I realise I've had a very lucky escape and it will make me very cautious in any future relationships I may have - also good. I think the poster who mentioned (now ex)dp may have had an "alpha male" issue has hit the nail on the head. Think an early night will do me good. x

Oh Bashing, what a thing. I'm so sorry it went like this. I'm also very impressed at your decisive action and decision-making.

Of course you feel a bit numb. 3 years is a long time. Better to find out what he's capable of before you move in together, though. As a MNer said long ago, the only thng worse than spending 3 years with an abusive twunt is spending 3 years and one day with an abusive twunt. Paraphrasing wildly, of course.

Next year will be better.

Poor you.

I expect he will tell you that this was just a trivial row and that you should get back together again.

His attitude to adult boys in "his" house isn't going to improve. It's your eldest boy now; it will be others when they are older. I think PP are right when they say it's a territory thing.

Hs drinking and aggression aren't going to improve either. Sadly, it's the other side of the alpha male. It's a shame we can't have the things that make alpha males attractive without the dark side, but all too often, we can't.

Good luck. You have a great son and two other kids, and life is full of possibilities. I wouldn't recommend taking him back, on what you've shared here so far.

You are so right in what you say Beast, but not about him telling me it was trivial and wanting to get back together. I hoped for a text at least saying sorry. Not a thing. I'm feeling so worthless atm, does he have no conscience at all about what he did? Seems not. Probably feeling sorry for himself right now, thinking that I deserved it somehow. I know I'm well rid, my head tells me that. My heart is aching though, we'd had such a good Christmas, I was hopeful for our future together. Now I think about the future and it's empty. I'm grateful for my family of course, but feel so lonely.

Poor you .

You are bound to feel that way immediately after something like that happens to you. But actually, if you look around, you can see its not true that your future is empty. A nice person like you will find someone to make her happy. It may well not happen right away, but if you want it, then you will make the effort to meet people again and it will happen for you.

FredFred - isn't it the dad who is having a fling with the neighbour?

Oops!

Slow x-post!

Thank you for the kind words. It's not like me to wallow in self pity at all, just having a sad moment, but I suppose it's only been a couple of days. I hate feeling like this and am impatient to feel better I suppose. Not good at crying, and seem to bottle it all up. It just makes it worse. I wish I could have a good cry to get it out of my system but feel atm if I start I won't be able to stop. Wish I could feel hate towards him but feel pity for a man who had it all and threw it away. Who destroyed the best thing he ever had. Not being conceited but his last two partners cheated on him and caused him so much pain. I would never have cheated, and was amazed that he could even trust again, but he did. Or maybe he wasn't as in love with me as he was with them. He seems to have no conscience that he hurt me, when we were together I couldn't bear to see him upset. Perhaps I was just being a doormat......

Bashing, it is very very sad to break up with someone you love, and for a while things do look and feel bleak. But everything you say about him rings alarm bells in my head. Not apologising, not contacting you, turning it into your fault and that you deserved it - the very fact that you think he might do that. If he were the man you love that thought would be instantly dismissed from your mind if it even entered it.

Perhaps you'll cry one day. Perhaps you will learn to love yourself enough to know you deserve so much better. I hope so. Look up the Freedom Programme in your area, or ask your gp about any similar courses you could access. You need to reset your radar and your boundaries a little bit, learn to recognise people like this before you get involved. Yes, it's hard to change yourself, but not impossible if the intention is there. It would be so good to see you content in yourself.

A new year is almost here; a time for new beginnings. Look at the new bright path before you, set your foot upon it and stride forward.

Lovely post from jux Said everything I wanted to say, I wish you well bashing and hope he doesn't treat his daughters the way he's just treated you

Erm slightly different opinion here perhaps. My DM and DDad always said that when us 4 children reached 18 we were to move out and become financially self-sustaining (I'm now 36 so this was a while ago). And yes, those were in different times - they were both in that boat in the 50s/60s. Both sets of GPs made my parents leave home and launch at 15/16, so a lot earlier, and they thought starting to be independent at 18 was fair. You might feel perhaps that 21 or so is equal for a kid in this economic climate, but you might also want to think about whether you are enabling dependancy for too long?

We all got to 18 in the 80s/90s when the situation was probably a little bit better than it is now - but not much; I worked in retail and hospitality for a year before getting my starting job in my career. However... all four siblings moved out at 18 and became self-sustaining pretty much, if there was a disaster (can only think of one minor one between the four of us and that for a month at most) then DPs would be there with a helping hand but not to maintain dependency. We've all thrived, and all our kids have gone on to do the same. It's seen as a bit of a family shame if they aren't independent enough to move out and onwards at 18 unless (as in one case) there's a SN issue.

OP, regardless of your relationships with your son and DP, your DS sounds ready to launch. Why don't you give him that little push to get him to make it on his own?

OP I am very sorry I didn't read the whole thread before posting this.

A partner who spends 5 nights a week down the pub sounds a wonderful catch. I wouldn't be moving in with him at all.

I know what you mean flying, but my xdh drank indoors, started soon as he got in from work and was usually in an alcoholic stupor by 9pm. My dp seemed better in comparison. To be fair, sometimes he went straight after work and was home by 8.30, (or so he told me). I like to drink in moderation so a teetotal partner probably wouldn't be right either. I think I need someone with the same drinking pattern as me, like to go out socially 1-2 evenings per week. Though when my dc's were younger I didn't drink for 11 years and didn't miss it at all.

And Jux, thank you for the advice. My self-esteem is very low as I was left by my dm when I was a toddler and then by my df when he re-married when I was 5 (his mum, my nan cared for me till I grew up). This has made my self-esteem low and there are men who have a radar for this I think. I try to hide it but it always shows itself in the end. I also have a problem with rejection, and can become devastated by the slightest sign. I sound like a right catch! I've had counselling and am a lot better than I used to be, but it still surfaces.

Yep, I reckon something like the Freedom Programme would help you a lot. And always remember, just because the Grade 4 bastard isn't as bad as the Grade 7 bastard, doesn't mean he isn't a bastard!

Given your parents' behaviour, I'm not surprised you need some ego-boosting, and I'm not surprised you wound up with a couple of arsewipes who are not good enough to lick your boots. Break the pattern now and look forward to a better future