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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis charging for Christmas dinner.

362 replies

MercuryRising · 24/12/2013 02:11

Hi.
We are going to my dsis for Christmas dinner this year. This is the first year she has hosted.
In previous years my dmum or I have hosted and on these years have footed the bill except if somebody has offered to bring alcohol or puddings with them. I have just had a text from my dsis telling me that she has worked out the bill and it is £16 per head so I need to pay £64 for me, dp and 2dc (5 and 7). Now I do not consider myself to be tight but feel angered about the way this has been done because it really does feel that she is charging her own dniece and dnephew to eat. Aibu to feel rattled by this?

OP posts:
missingmumxox · 24/12/2013 04:30

I would have texted back
"Oh no! If we had known you had money problems there is no way we would have put you in this situation you should have said something sooner, do you want to talk? we are family after all, xx"
This has the double whammy that if she is being tight fisted (which is the most likely as in my experience people who have little money will brave it and do their best sometimes sadly getting into debt in the effort or are up front from day one.) she has from what you have written has a high regard of her self and this will have her having to explain why she doesn't need the money....
Or if she is actually in dire straits (after all no one knows what is really the situation with another family) you have opened the door, she might not thank you but you have...

Warning when she does start back tracking which she will! She will mention she thinks this is fairer all round as it is such a burden on the person hosting, blah, blah, and should be the family plan for years to come.... Klaxon alert!
this ... She is pregnant I suspect she has no intention of extended family Christmas's after this, so will never have to pay her share!

So if she starts that just laugh it off and say, oh, but that's why we take it in turns, what goes around comes around, and I wouldn't bloody pay her even if she has the brass neck to ask on the day.
Alternatively you have today to gather a turkey and veg so you and your family with your dad have a lovely day at home.

Don't let your insecurities let her win this game...

YoDiggity · 24/12/2013 04:33

I could never do this and I'd be pissed off if someone did it to me, if they were family. I could understand if it was a very large group of friends though - fair enough, as it might be easier to shop, plan and organise it yourself and just share the cost. Too many cooks and all that...

But for family it just doesn't feel right to me at all. She should spread the cost by asking for each person to bring things like Christmas pud, (easily portable and bought or cooked in advance) the cheese board, the crackers, some wine etc, and provide the main course herself.

Not everyone chooses to eat/buy/cook the same thing at Christmas and I'd be pretty disappointed if I'd been asked to pay for five of us per head for a potentially disappointing meal made from stuff that I'd never choose to buy/eat/prepare that way myself.

In fact I don't think DH would even stand for it. He likes my Christmas dinner cooked my way. Grin

CheeryCherry · 24/12/2013 04:54

Shocked at this OP! What a position to be in! But BitOfFun has it spot on, you must speak to her. I couldn't and wouldnt be able to go if she really is charging you, I wouldn't enjoy the day. I'd be too cross! Good luck with this, what a nightmare.

CheeryCherry · 24/12/2013 04:55

And YADNBU!

CheeryCherry · 24/12/2013 04:56

And YADNBU!

giraffesCantSledge · 24/12/2013 05:01

come back and update on 26th

YoDiggity · 24/12/2013 05:12

Shock god, sorry but the day I eat Quorn for Christmas dinner would be the day I am on lockdown in a nuclear bunker with only Frankenstein foods left to keep me alive, and there would be armageddon and the zombie apocalypse going on above me. Grin

Couldn't you push the boat out a bit with a nice halloumi/aubergine/lentil/pumpkin/chickpea/mushroom type thing?

And as for the 'turkey thingy' from Farmfoods for £3 and a Vienetta - words fail me.

I can't help feeling very sad about this. Grin

MalibuAndMilkPleaseLibertine · 24/12/2013 05:12

Unbelievable!!? So it's 16 quid plus drinks! I would have to say something, you could eat out for that, tight cow

TobyLerone · 24/12/2013 05:14

She is your SISTER. Just tell her like it is and say "You're having a bloody laugh, aren't you? Me and mum have hosted for years, and never asked for money. Fine, ask us to bring a bottle or a pudding, but Jesus, what are you on?"

This. So much this.

I've never heard of anything like this in my life. I can't believe anyone charges to have guests Shock

We have a big family and just divide everything between us -- someone buys veg, a couple of others buy meat, someone else does desserts etc. It's easy. But even if that weren't the case, I'd never ask for money. It's staggeringly rude.

MudCity · 24/12/2013 05:15

Madness. As other posters have said, had your sister said this in advance, or suggested people bring some food, that would have been reasonable.

I understand your reasons for going. However, not sure I could. The food would stick in my throat.

FadBook · 24/12/2013 05:19

I would have texted back
"Oh no! If we had known you had money problems there is no way we would have put you in this situation you should have said something sooner, do you want to talk? we are family after all, xx"

What missingmum said is a great response.

It sounds from your post OP that you're giving in to her not because "it's Christmas" but because you don't want her to think you haven't got the money. Seriously, don't let her make you feel inferior just because you don't earn as much. And don't for the love of god pay her anything on Christmas Day.

YADNBU

PedantMarina · 24/12/2013 05:23

Not since TidyDancer's Bridezilla fred have I seen such a clear-cut excuse for you, OP, to say:

"Are you on glue, bitch?"

Go get some food in today, have lovely DF and Mum over and leave your stupid, self-important sister sitting alone with her pile of food and itemised bill.

Oh, and Happy Christmas.

gamerchick · 24/12/2013 05:24

If you go along with this then you deserve everything you get.

Do yourself a favour.. go to the supermarket and spend that money on a dinner with all the trimmings.

You go to your sisters and suck it up then don't bloody whinge about it. You are actually lying down at her feet and telling her to wipe her feet on you Hmm

poorbuthappy · 24/12/2013 05:24

For Christi's sake don't pay it!!
This is why people act like arses for years, because no one ever stood them and tells them they are acting like arses, families pussy foot around instead of dealing.
Just bloody tell her to wind her neck in.

YoDiggity · 24/12/2013 05:28

I hate meanness. It is the most unappealing failing.

I totally agree. Some people are such begrudging, stressy, tight-fisted, mean-spirited, terrible hosts I would actually rather not go there at all than be made to feel like I am putting them to any inconvenience or unnecessary expense. Just awful.

YoDiggity · 24/12/2013 05:34

Whoops sorry about the Quorn post upthread - that was meant to go on the the 'what are you having for lunch on Xmad Day' thread. Confused

YoDiggity · 24/12/2013 05:37

In Madame's case it was different - there were 14 of them, she only charged the children, they were all staying in her house for several days, and it was agreed in advance. No problem at all. More sensible than too many people all trying to ram 6 un-needed cheesecakes into your fridge by way of contribution. Very large groups for more than one night are a different matter.

But this woman needs a slap.

YoDiggity · 24/12/2013 05:37

sorry I mean she only charge the adults obviously!

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 24/12/2013 05:45

YANBU

We need you to report back on what you get for £16 a head. Make sure your DCs get adult portions & bro g home leftovers.

34DD · 24/12/2013 05:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontsqueezetheteabag · 24/12/2013 05:47

My my, that is sooooo bad!!

I did Xmas last year, in laws insisted I did it again this year because 'I have the biggest table' so I told everyone they needed to bring something.

Sil doing starter
Mil doing main meat
Df providing wine
We are doing the rest

YANBU!!!!

pixiepotter · 24/12/2013 05:53

the fact that she is texting you at 2am suggests to oe that she has overspent on christmas and seriously worried how she will manage io january

Twattyzombiebollocks · 24/12/2013 05:56

That's scandalous! our family take it in turns to host Christmas dinner, I usually bring the meat as its the most expensive and I have the most disposable income. The rest of us bring desert/wine (only really a couple of us who drink it so not loads needed). We do this because Christmas dinner isn't a cheap meal and its a thank you to the host for cooking and for putting up with all the mess that 14 people eating lunch/socialising in a 3 bed semi inevitably create.

HappyAsASandboy · 24/12/2013 06:04

We have quite large family Christmases and all chip in, but it's not on a 'please pay £16 each' basis!

We're geographically spread, and this year we are economically spread too! The host has organised most things, with local relatives doing some meat for Christmas Eve/Boxing Day, us (the poorest ones!) doing pudding and some starters, and the furthest away relatives (also the most comfortable financially) giving a financial contribution. We will all take wine ( of quite varying quality, I should imagine!), soft drinks etc.

Please don't let her think this is normal.

happycrimblechuckie · 24/12/2013 06:11

I would pay up and then spend the whole meal complaining about the food, but then I like a bit of Christmas Day confrontation! You can't beat an alcohol fuelled family row on Christmas Day! Maybe that is why me and my DH and DC stay at home EVERY year. Happy Christmas to all MN's.

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