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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis charging for Christmas dinner.

362 replies

MercuryRising · 24/12/2013 02:11

Hi.
We are going to my dsis for Christmas dinner this year. This is the first year she has hosted.
In previous years my dmum or I have hosted and on these years have footed the bill except if somebody has offered to bring alcohol or puddings with them. I have just had a text from my dsis telling me that she has worked out the bill and it is £16 per head so I need to pay £64 for me, dp and 2dc (5 and 7). Now I do not consider myself to be tight but feel angered about the way this has been done because it really does feel that she is charging her own dniece and dnephew to eat. Aibu to feel rattled by this?

OP posts:
CloverkissSparklecheeks · 24/12/2013 08:24

I host Christmas dinner/tea (and the rest of the week) every year so everyone does chip in. There will be 14 of us (Incl 4 dcs) and the day costs about £150 incl wine/bubbly and stuff for tea. We split it as I would end up paying every year and its not just immediate family as SIL ends up bringing her family and other SILs OH sometimes brings his family.

We split it per couple excl kids as it really doesn't cost any more to include them.

I would never 'charge' as such, it just makes sense to do an online order for everything and split it.

As host I always pay for the table favours, crackers and spirits. I probably still spend at least £50 extra so if anyone moaned about paying towards it they can host themselves next time Grin it is quite an effort to organise it all (which I love) and I am definitely not tight but it is only ever my mum.who turns up early enough to help so I actually think everyone is happy to contribute rather than having to go to the effort themselves.

ViviPru · 24/12/2013 08:25

I was lamenting giving up Eastenders this year as it suddenly dawned on me I'd have nothing to look forward to after Christmas dinner. Thanks to you, Mercury, all the plotlines are poised for a thrilling denouement right here...

In all seriousness though, although you're acknowledging you're perhaps not assertive enough with your sister (I'm the same) I think your attitude and approach throughout has been admirably calm and reasonable given the outrageousness of her behaviour. Hope it all works out positively for you.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 24/12/2013 08:25

Come to us - £12.50 a head, £15 incl tea and kids eat free Grin

feelingvunerable · 24/12/2013 08:26

I don't really have any advice but YANBU.
Perhaps go and send back the food as it isn't cooked properly?
Wait and see her reaction.
Or ask for a menu beforehand to make sure you are getting your monies worth.

Wow. I'm a bit speechless.

Chippednailvarnish · 24/12/2013 08:29

I think missing has the perfect text!

Personally I would go and then pay her in £1 pound coins, I'd also make a big show of counting them out painstakingly at the table after the meal Grin .

Helpyourself · 24/12/2013 08:30

DBIL &SIL did this to us. Our first year married, 3 line whip to attend at MIL must have everyone around her because its christmas, I was happy to cook, bake or shop but all offers were rebuffed- I had no idea until I caught DH paying Bil out of sight knowing I'd go ballistic. I didn't of course. P
Probably why they live in a £3million house.

FunkyBoldRibena · 24/12/2013 08:30

Why are you letting her take the piss out of you? Invoice her today for all the food she and her family have ever eaten at yours and cancel on her, go get some food and have your dad at yours tomorrow.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 24/12/2013 08:31

I'm glad you're sorting this out, your sis is being utterly mean and tight-fisted and she needs a wakeup call.

We've hosted for the past two years for my BIL and SIL - because they have sprung for flights from the US - and for DH's nephew and his wife plus toddler. And yes, we've had a Kelly Bronze turkey because they are delicious and we haven't stinted ourselves. We wouldn't have dreamed of charging, we always put money aside for it through the year and it's worth it to have a really great family Christmas.

This year BIL and SIL aren't coming and we are going to DH's nephew's family. We will be bringing desserts, crackers (they are American and need exposure to British Christmas Grin) and we will be making the Yorkshire puds. It will be great and no-one will be charging anyone anything.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 24/12/2013 08:31

Nothing wrong with agreeing to split costs when making arrangements for Christmas. Sooooo much wrong with doing it unilaterally, by text, on Christmas Eve.

I'd be tempted to go with "wow, sis, are you ok? I had no idea you were struggling financially or I'd have offered support earlier. I just thought you were okay taking your turn of doing dinner. Want to talk? "

hellsbells99 · 24/12/2013 08:35

We are going to my sisters new house today until boxing day. She is single. My db and dm are going too. We have told her we are contributing. Ended up doing a sainsbury's order and db, ds and myself are splitting bill 3 ways. Me and db are insisting on this. We are all happy with the arrangement. I have got champagne and some drinks too. Xmas is expensive particularly for a single person who has just bought a house!

LindyHemming · 24/12/2013 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnish · 24/12/2013 08:39

Hells there is a very big difference between agreeing to split costs in advance and sending a demanding text charging £16 for a 2 year olds meal!

Being single has nothing to do with anything, most single people have much more disposable income than a couple with kids.

PenguinBear · 24/12/2013 08:40

Please DON'T pay it.. Even to keep the peace as it's the principle of the whole thing! I'd turn up... Go to pay, put the money down and then say... "oh I'll need £16 back for last year for you and another £16 for DP, and same for year before etc etc. then hold your hand out and say she owes you £x. you could even do an excel spreadsheet Grin

Funkybutnot · 24/12/2013 08:41

Oh gosh...I really can't believe what I'm reading. Don't go, enjoy at home and hope your Ddad can join you.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 24/12/2013 08:43

You should text her "Are you snorting the fucking sherry"

I had dinner at my sisters once, she never charged, but then, my sister is a lovely woman.

Get to the shops and get dinner, and tell her to shove the turkey up her super tight arse.

Unless Pregnancy has made her crazy.

diddl · 24/12/2013 08:44

64GBP??

I'd be surprised if our meal for the four of us will even cost that!

msrisotto · 24/12/2013 08:44

OP... I had/have a problem with assertiveness with my family too. There are self help books out there if you're interested.

MrsSchadenfreude · 24/12/2013 08:45

The Christmas my mother charged me was the last Christmas I spent at home. Especially as I had sent them a Fortnum's hamper. And yes, I got whacked with the bill afterwards, not asked to contribute before.

hellsbells99 · 24/12/2013 08:47

Sorry didn't mean I was agreeing with op's sister! What she has done is wrong. Just that it is not always clear cut and sometimes you can agree to contribute if you know the host would find it a struggle financially. And also there are 4 of us - all adult sized!
In op's situation, I would probably choose not to go.

LaurieFairyCake · 24/12/2013 08:48

The late notice and the paying when others have hosted is unreasonable

It costing at least 200 for a meal is not - ours is more than that, the turkey is 90.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 24/12/2013 08:48

Wonder if this is Gluezilla, the cheeky wedding bitch.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 24/12/2013 08:50

I was going to say I'd decline and tell her why, then run out to Aldi and buy your Christmas dinner items today, but just seen you're already doing that. Smile Hope your DH manages to get his point across ok that she's a tight, grabby, entitled bitch.

I really, really hope your dad comes to you instead, leaving her with loads of uneaten food. It'll serve her right but judging by what you've said, she probably won't learn from it. Instead she'll play the victim and hold you all to ransom over it. Don't fall for her shit any longer.

Snowdown · 24/12/2013 08:51

Seriously this is shocking. Charging you dad, charging dcs adult prices. Fully understand the costs involved but your dsis has lost the plot. I think the dinner will be dripping in poor atmosphere and extreme annoyance. I would be trying to find a way out of going because it will be a truly miserable experience.

Viviennemary · 24/12/2013 08:51

This is beyond cheeky. If she hosted every year then fair enough as it does get expensive. I agree with the person who said work out your years and set it against her bill so she will end up owing you. Hopefully! Certainly don't pay the £16 per person.

Pimpf · 24/12/2013 08:51

Why wait til new year to toughen up. You've had plenty of advice on here how to tell her nicely to shove it. Alternatively, go out today and get some food in and have a lovely Christmas Day at home.

Sour sis will continue to act like this, if everyone lets her get away with it. Yes it might cause ( who am I kidding, will cause) a huge row, but its of her making, not yours.