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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unsure about dating a 38 year old man who lives at home.

141 replies

worthapunt · 21/12/2013 13:43

He is divorced, moved back home when that happened, 5 years ago.

Has been there ever since, not allowed ' female friends' back in his room.

He seems quite nice, but this is bothering me. He has his own space, as in a shed he has customised, but made a joke about sharing the remote control and taking him mum shopping and it turns me off.

AIBU or do i give him a chance?

OP posts:
JinglingRexManningDay · 21/12/2013 13:51

You know all those mil from hell threads....

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/12/2013 13:53

Hmm it depends. Is he still at home after five years because its easier and his mum still does everything for him? Does he do his own washing for example or does Mummy do it.

What you don't want is for him to move in with you and him to expect you to be a replacement mum and do everything for him.

What's his reasoning for not moving out? To be honest of its because he can't cut the apron strings, then run for the hills!

leobear · 21/12/2013 13:53

What's that film.....?

nkf · 21/12/2013 13:53

It's a bit I don't know. Well, I can see why you are bothered.

MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 13:54

Well, when I met DP he lived at home too.

He was just lazy about moving out really. He is not generally lazy though.

I do think that him having a good relationship with his family who live 150 miles away is a good thing. Not sure I could cope if they were closer though.

AmberLeaf · 21/12/2013 13:54

The bit about not being allowed female friends home would be the issue for me.

That means, either his Mother is a nightmare, or, he is married/cohabiting.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/12/2013 13:54

You don't want a man child. Equally you don't want a mil from hell who thinks you should run around after her precious son.

MyBachisworsethanmybite · 21/12/2013 13:58

You don't sound like you're that interested in him.

So for that reason - nothing to do with his domestic situation - don't pursue this one.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 13:59

Ive been asking about it, hopefully in a casual manner, and said ' that has to kill your love life a bit' and he said yes ' no female friends over for sleepovers'

bit odd, hes 38, not 16. I would think as hes an actual grown man that his parents shouldnt worry about him having company in his room. I mean, hes a grown up.

I dated someone who lived at home a few years ago, it was not good.

He has said he will move out soon as he doesnt want to be the sad 40 year old bloke living at home, but if thats his only reason.

He has a good job, he could at least afford a studio flat or small house, or would house sharing not be preferable to living at home and not being allowed to have women in your room.

OP posts:
Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:00

I was interested, until i found out he lived at home and then the joke about sharing the remote with his parents.

Hes not gone out to xmas things or drinks with friends at all this week, but has been sat in each night watching tv with his parents.

I cant help it, but it turns me off.

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 21/12/2013 14:04

Don't date him then

It's not compulsory

BlueStonesBells · 21/12/2013 14:06

Is he in London? I actuallyknow quite a few Londoners who still live with their parents in their late 30s, because of the horrendous rents.

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain · 21/12/2013 14:07

Maybe his fiances are not as good as you think

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:09

Not in london, and yes, his finances might not be great, its a possibility, however, quite unlikely given the job he has.

OP posts:
GoldenGytha · 21/12/2013 14:10

Ach, I would give him a chance, no harm in one or two dates?

I have a 48 year old friend who has always lived at home, her mother died nearly 8 years ago, so just her in the house now, but I would hate to think that someone wouldn't give her a chance just because she's never moved out of the family home.

My XBIL didn't leave home til he got married at 40, and he's in no way a manchild.

Mintyy · 21/12/2013 14:12

I can completely understand why you find this off putting. I find adults who live with their parents unfathomable.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 14:12

Either his mums like that mum from the waterboy or this guy is still attached, either way, i wouldnt go there.

nkf · 21/12/2013 14:13

Maybe his mum wants to make him uncomfortable so he leaves and she can can afternoon sex with her new lover. I wouldn't assume she is a nightmare. She might want him out too.

EBearhug · 21/12/2013 14:15

I think it depends whether he's in the west wing while Mummy and Daddy are still in the main house, or whether he's got a room in their Victorian terrace. Sounds more like the latter, and if it's not out of financial necessity or because he's a carer for one of them or something, then I too would be a bit sceptical about investing any time in getting to know him.

I would particularly have issues with not being allowed female friends to stay over - it's one thing insisting on that with teenagers, but when you're heading into middle age... I assume he's chosing to live with those restrictions. If one or both have health problems, then I can understand not wanting to have people staying over, whether in his room or not, but as you've told it, he's not allowed to have female friends staying over, rather than we never have overnight guests.

Actually, it would probably also depend on how I felt about him generally - I'd probably be able to make more excuses depending on my level of keenness on the man in question.

Still, there are probably many, many reasons why I am single, and being a bit judgey about men who still live at home in their 30s is quite a way down the list.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 14:15

nkf Then she should just boot him out, its her house, hes unlikely to still be living at home, unless hes getting major perks from it.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 14:16

More so after having his own house previously.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/12/2013 14:17

Run!
He is probably really, really tight. I have known a few "back home" guys e.g, they had lived away, but "circumstances" send them back to their parents. And there they stayed.
Certain men, given the choice of being a grown up, paying rent and bills, and cooking for themselves, will choose a weird , restrictive, semi- child life for ever.
This is not a man who is real boyfriend material. Sozza for bluntness, but you did ask!

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:17

He said he went there when his marriage split up and just hasnt left. He said it isnt so bad as they have a good relationship and his parents have their own lives ( they are retired)
But last night, he just had cheese on toast for dinner, as his parents didnt cook because they went out for lunch.

And then he sat in with them all night, and is doing the same tonight.

I just find it quite a bit odd.

OP posts:
nkf · 21/12/2013 14:17

Or maybe he murdered her years ago and is now concentrating on running the motel and painting birds.

Icelollycraving · 21/12/2013 14:18

The customised shed puts me off more tbh.