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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel unsure about dating a 38 year old man who lives at home.

141 replies

worthapunt · 21/12/2013 13:43

He is divorced, moved back home when that happened, 5 years ago.

Has been there ever since, not allowed ' female friends' back in his room.

He seems quite nice, but this is bothering me. He has his own space, as in a shed he has customised, but made a joke about sharing the remote control and taking him mum shopping and it turns me off.

AIBU or do i give him a chance?

OP posts:

ShinyBauble · 22/12/2013 02:02

Alarm bells all round! This guy is definitely looking for a sexy mummy replacement. The 'traditional gender roles' approval could also mean he's a creepy internet MRA on the quiet. I bet lots of them sit on their computers slagging off women for not queuing up to shag them while their mothers are busy doing their washing and cooking.

PeachyPlumFairy · 22/12/2013 02:10

Hmm.

See I have a lovely BIL who is 39 and never left home, initially cost (expensive area) then MIL was left after a long marriage and he had to pick up her life for her and ended up taking over a large mortgage as she got landed with it.

I'd dearly love him to meet someone, he is a lovely man and will make a wonderful husband and dad if he ever finds someone to share it with. He's quite independent, self caring and considerate.

BUT

DH comes from same house obviously and left when we got together, he was 28. MIL never forgave me for stealing her baby (!) and made his life hell for leaving, to the point where they have zero contact. Whoever gets BIL will have it ten times worse given he now owns the house she considers her own, and no woman will ever live up to her standards, he couldn't afford to sell I think and wouldn't like to chuck her out.

Put it this way, the woman would have to love him a lot to stick out whatever that will bring. I don't underestimate BIL, he isn't a doormat and would fight for his partner, but their lives are so tangled it would inevitably cause pain.

Your one though sounds like a knob, frankly. Run.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 05:18

The living at home thing is not neccessarily a problem, depending on the circumstances.
But he sounds a bit lazy and a teeny bit creepy tbh.
Sorry.

Oldandcobwebby · 22/12/2013 05:54

I'd be more interested in the reasons behind the divorce, tbh

StarsAbove · 22/12/2013 06:31

What does he do in the shed?

mumofweeboys · 22/12/2013 08:18

Meh doesn't sound right for you but I would give him your reasons for not meeting. You can tell him without being horrible. I think I would go along the lines of you both having different lives - you have a busy social life, running your own home where he seems more of a home person.

LessMissAbs · 22/12/2013 09:53

He could be a really nice, genuine man just a bit lacking in confidence. But the combination of the dreadful comment re traditional gender roles, the lack of any embarrassment over the unwillingness to socialise would be the nail in the coffin. Lifes too short OP!

JingleMyBells · 22/12/2013 11:32

At least he has been independent at some point. It would put me off a bit though.

EBearhug · 22/12/2013 14:33

ill text him tomorrow and say i met someone and want to give that a go, so to as let him down gently, it being christmas and all.

That's not letting him down gently, that's lying to him, and not doing him any favours.

You don't need to say more than, "I don't want to meet you." But if you feel you must give him some explanation, please don't lie. Give him a (tactful) reason - "I don't think we'd get on," and nothing more.

I would probably tell him that I liked to go out with adults who are capable of looking after themselves and can cook and clean, not a mummy's boy who leeches off his parents and who doesn't think traditional gender roles are nice. I'd point out that I'm better off being single than wasting time on someone like that. And that's probably among the reasons I am single. But I am better off being single than spending more time with someone like that. Pointed look towards last boyfriend, who might as well have lived with his mother, the way he let her pop in all the time and do his cleaning.

Darkesteyes · 22/12/2013 16:33

A couple that DH and i were friends with divorced 5 years ago after 25 years together.
When the bloke moved into his own flat his sister was going around there to do his hoovering for him.
Says it all.

TheSmallClanger · 22/12/2013 18:07

I want to know what this sport is, which is played by mainly women, and men who are often a bit weird? Netball? Artistic roller skating? Competitive disco dancing?

He isn't a catch. And I have a sneaking suspicion that the poster who suggested "he" was a group of teenagers on a wind-up is possibly right.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 22/12/2013 18:20

Synchronised swimming

MyBachisworsethanmybite · 22/12/2013 20:10

Korfball?

LessMissAbs · 22/12/2013 20:22

Do they play korfball in the UK?!

It must be some kind of dancing surely? Ballroom, or ceroc or something similar.

Branleuse · 22/12/2013 20:43

it would put me off

HandragsNGladbags · 22/12/2013 20:51

Korfball was quite big when I was at uni and it wasn't mainly women.

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