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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unsure about dating a 38 year old man who lives at home.

141 replies

worthapunt · 21/12/2013 13:43

He is divorced, moved back home when that happened, 5 years ago.

Has been there ever since, not allowed ' female friends' back in his room.

He seems quite nice, but this is bothering me. He has his own space, as in a shed he has customised, but made a joke about sharing the remote control and taking him mum shopping and it turns me off.

AIBU or do i give him a chance?

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 14:18

Is his name Norman........?

lurkerspeaks · 21/12/2013 14:19

I would find it off-putting too.

But then my siblings and I are currently running a book about whether my sister or I will be first out to fall out with our Dad and decamp from his house over Christmas.

My brother thinks it is so likely that he had cleaned up especially thoroughly and made sure the spare sheets are clean!

nkf · 21/12/2013 14:19

Cheese on toast because his parents didn't cook? You mean, normally, he would have had a proper meal because they did cook? And, yes, the shed is a bit off putting too.

ilovesooty · 21/12/2013 14:20

Well sleeping in his bed isn't compulsory. Dating to me could simply mean going out to a meal or the theatre. What you seem to mean is you find the longer term prospects off putting.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 14:20

Hes looking less and less appealling....

Mintyy · 21/12/2013 14:20

He didn't have dinner because his parents didn't cook?

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:21

They havent got a huge house. He built a shed, so he said that give him his own space!!

To me, thats akin to me giving my child a tent in the garden to go play in so shes out from under my feet.

He also had to ask persmission from them to get it.

The not having women over thing is weird, its like hes being kept in a childlike state, and him accepting that.... because hes coming up for 40, its just not normal.

I want to ask if hes got a single or double bed. Thats the clincher i feel. If its single, no, no way

OP posts:
lurkerspeaks · 21/12/2013 14:21

Should have made it clear that brother doesn't live at home but in the same city so whoever has the diva-like strop will probably end up in his spare bed.

TBH I'd have rather stayed at his house but my Dad would be so hurt if we didn't' stay with him. Won't stop him checking obsessively what meals I want, when I will be home, who I will be out with, that I've not been drinking and driving and refusing to let me use the washing machine in case I break it.

I am in case you are in any doubt a successful 30-something professional woman who has managed to live independently for at least 15years!

KenyanSunrise · 21/12/2013 14:22

Maybe its not that he isnt 'allowed' female friends over, maybe he just doesnt feel comfortable doing the deed under his mother's roof.
He didnt say no visits did he, just no sleepovers?

My DB is 36, only just moved out of our parents house. He does however have a good job and has been living at home saving an amazing deposit for the house he has just brought. He is not a man child and is actually one of the loveliest men I know, although I might be biased :)

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 14:23

Lurker Shit, even i'd have oscar winning strop with your dad, and i thought my mum would be a nightmare.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/12/2013 14:25

rents being high is a crap excuse you can always flatshare

for a short period of time is understandable at times but 5 years come on do you want a relationship with an adult or man child

if you are happy in a relationship with a man child fine but if not move on he will soon find someone else to save him and turn him into an adult

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:26

he didnt cook, his parents would normally. he didnt know what was for dinner as they usually do it, and then because they didnt he had to sort himself out. and couldnt be bothered and made cheese on toast.

His marriage ended because she said after 18 months that it felt like he was a lodger, not a husband.

Not to judge on peoples past relationships, but that coupled with the living at home thing, i dont think bodes well.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/12/2013 14:28

He had cheese on toast for tea because his parents didn't cook??

You do realise that he will be expecting you to cook for him.

Run!

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:29

slipper, thats what i think, a year or two, to get back on your feet, fine

5 years while hiding in a shed and not eating a meal because your mum hasnt cooked one... not fine.

OP posts:
HelgatheHairy · 21/12/2013 14:31

My BIL is 38 and lives at home. He has lived away from home for a grand total of 2 years and even then MIL cleaned the apartment because it was such a state! Also one evening FIL was at my house and BIL called to ask how to cook spring rolls (not from scratch, from a box, he didn't even look at the instructions!)

It's strange though because he's the eldest. My DH is the middle child and is incredibly domesticated. He cooks most nights and does quite a bit of housework at the weekend.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/12/2013 14:32

He needs another mother move on quickly :)

Mintyy · 21/12/2013 14:33

Have we talked you out of it yet, op? His marriage lasted 18 months because his wife felt he was a lodger?

Quite a catch isn't he Grin!

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:35

Im a lone parent, he wont have any understand of my life/ responsibility.

My interest level has just plummeted.

OP posts:
Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:37

I didnt need talking out of it :) I had already decided, i was just checking i wasnt being hasty.

Im a long term single, it has been suggested that my expectations are too high. I dont think that : Job, not living at home, not living in squalor, not behaving like a teenager... are high expectations but a minimum to expect of an adult.

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 14:39

Lodger?? so im guessing he still lived the single life if that was the reason she left him. No sex and a warm bed, wow, can i date him Hmm

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 21/12/2013 14:40

I hate to be judgy but FUCK no. Run.

He sounds dire - the 'no girlfriends staying over' is creepy and weird and controlling. Along with the shed and the cheese on toast. I'm so depressed even reading that. It's like a Joe Orton play.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/12/2013 14:40

yes us single women with children should feel lucky anyone is interested in us Hmm

keep those expectation high even if that means staying single a little longer

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 21/12/2013 14:41

God yes. What you describe would put me right off.
He'd likely just expect you to pick up where mummy dearest left off.
Adults who prefer to not be independent put me right off. There is a weakness about it that is revolting.

I say prefer to because anyone can find themselves in a situation where they need help, it's not that that i mean. I mean feet under the table, retaining the role of child, not behaving like an adult.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:46

Hect- indeed. year or two when things have gone wrong, following a break up of a marriage, fine, can happen to anyone. But most people want out of that as soon as possible

I ended up back at home myself, baby in tow, following the break down on my marriage and becoming homeless. I had no money. It took me 3 months to find a job and a nice house,and i moved out. And i was a skint single mother, with a baby, having not lived in this country for the last 3 years.

Yet he had been putting down more roots, building a damn shed.

I dont mind being single, i rather like it :)

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 21/12/2013 14:49

God no Op, get rid.
He lives in a shed and isn't allowed women over at 38, plus a failed marriage that lasted 18 months.
Don't get involved.
How did you meet him BTW?