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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unsure about dating a 38 year old man who lives at home.

141 replies

worthapunt · 21/12/2013 13:43

He is divorced, moved back home when that happened, 5 years ago.

Has been there ever since, not allowed ' female friends' back in his room.

He seems quite nice, but this is bothering me. He has his own space, as in a shed he has customised, but made a joke about sharing the remote control and taking him mum shopping and it turns me off.

AIBU or do i give him a chance?

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/12/2013 14:51

So he moved from home (where we might assume he didn't have girlfriends to stay) aged about31? And then moved back after his marriage broke down because he was living "like a lodger"
Or was he living alone/ with the previous woman before they wed?

Where did you meet?

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:51

Ive not met him, It was online dating, Hes asked me several times, i said yes, but put him off till the new year on the basis that lots of online men to tend to be ' odd' and by chatting to him a bit longer it gives the ' oddness' a chance to surface.

So now i dont have to waste my efforts.
:)

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/12/2013 14:51

If you decide not to see him again, please tell him why. You might save someone a lot of grief in the future.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/12/2013 14:52

Sorry x post

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/12/2013 14:54

Is he not allowed women over? Or does he not want to take them back to his family home?

basgetti · 21/12/2013 14:54

I can't believe he has actually told you that he isn't allowed women over, his Mum cooks all his meals and the reason his wife left him! Not exactly selling himself is he? Run!

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 14:57

No, hes not.

Its weird.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 21/12/2013 14:58

i think you lot are being a bit unfair Grin

im 40 and moved out 14yrs ago (26) but i have several friends (male and female) who still live at home, two who went back after failed marriage/relationships

they basically cant afford a decent place by theirselves, when they have partners they stay at theirs

my mum never believed in sex before marriage and hated the fact i lived in sin for 7yrs :) Shock before getting married - while i was seeing my then bf if he stayed we stayed in separate beds

maybe it is a generation thing, the mum is prob 70+ and may feel she doesnt want woman staying

the shed bit is really just another living room/space

if you really like him then see him and he can spend the night at yours

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:05

i dont really like him, ive not met him, and this is enough to make me not want to meet him.

I cant have sex with a man who sits with his parents watching tv every night. or hides in a shed.

If he always had to come to mine, its a bit one sided. I had that once with a guy who lived at home a few years ago. Essentially he treated my home like his mothers, ate my food, used my stuff, had showers.. and didnt pay anything towards anything, even if i asked. I dumped him.

Im not after a one sided thing, i want something equal.

His mum might not like sex going on under her roof, but goodness, you would think a long term single male would, and that it would be motivation to leave!

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/12/2013 15:10

Well I can see blondes POV tbh.
I'm not sure why you need an aibu though if you're not keen on him. If you're not keen then don't meet him.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:11

I was until this, but its just instantly killed it for me.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/12/2013 15:14

How did it come about that he told you about not having sex in his parent's house?

FreudiansSlipper · 21/12/2013 15:14

mmm sound convenient never to be able to go to his good line for someone who is cheating

I disagree you can afford a decent place away from home if you want it maybe not as nice and comfortable as your parents but independence is more important to most adults, you may have to share with other adults and not have cook/cleaner on hand

scripsi · 21/12/2013 15:14

Worries me that he went from wife to mother (as if wife was always the replacement mother, so was natural he went back). I used to date someone like that - terrifying.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:21

He volunteered that info. He text me to ask what i was doing, told me he had gone shopping with the 'mothership'

i went with that and asked him how he liked living at home. That ive been on holiday with my parents, and its fine for a few days but after a week im desperate to get back in my own home. He said it was nice, and they had a good relationship...

I said how it must hamper his love life, no sittiing around in your pants or watching crap tv all day.

and he said no, no female friends overnight...

he said about the cheese on toast thing last night

at worse you could get a studio flat in this area for £350 a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:23

and he refers to them as the ' rents'
which is fine if you are 18. but at 38 makes me cringe.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 21/12/2013 15:26

The 'rents'?

What are his good points OP? Grin

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:30

We have only been chatting for a few days... so, um. He looks ok, normal. He has a job, and a hobby or two which seemed to suggest he had a life.
But chatting to him, no. Hasnt actually asked much about me, or my life, or anything.
We wouldnt get on i dont think.

Im off out tonight, ill text him tomorrow and say i met someone and want to give that a go, so to as let him down gently, it being christmas and all.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 21/12/2013 15:37

Hobbies?
Is he a trainspotter?

BohemianGirl · 21/12/2013 15:39

TBH the average age for a male to leave home now is something hideous like 34 Hmm. With property and rental prices the way they are these days, why would you pours a grand a month into a landlords pocket and starve, when you can live at home for half that price?

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:39

a group sport..even if technically its more a womans sport

not that im sexist in any way, work friend burst out laughing, she manages a football team, and said the only men she had ever known to play it were weird.

she was right :)

OP posts:
Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:41

i rent a 3 bed house for 650.

He could rent a one bed flat or sudio thing for £350. Or houseshare for £300 bills all in.

So he wouldnt be pouring a grand down the drain.

anyway, its his choice, same as its my choice to be put off and no longer want to meet him.

OP posts:
Trills · 21/12/2013 15:48

I can understand moving back in after a divorce temporarily. But having chosen to stay there for 5 years shows that he would just not be the sort of person that I would be compatible with.

Choosing that life after having lived independently says something about your personality. I would far far rather live in a houseshare than live with my parents. I would rather live in a houseshare with people who had identical personalities to my parents but were not my parents, even.

It might be that you would get on fine, but I certainly would not.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:49

No, we would not get on. I agree with you.

OP posts:
Ilikecooking · 21/12/2013 15:53

Is he self-employed and works outside?! Sounds distinctively like one of my closest friends Blush