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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unsure about dating a 38 year old man who lives at home.

141 replies

worthapunt · 21/12/2013 13:43

He is divorced, moved back home when that happened, 5 years ago.

Has been there ever since, not allowed ' female friends' back in his room.

He seems quite nice, but this is bothering me. He has his own space, as in a shed he has customised, but made a joke about sharing the remote control and taking him mum shopping and it turns me off.

AIBU or do i give him a chance?

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 21/12/2013 16:34

'The mothership'

meep.

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/12/2013 16:35

Run and don't look back

NoComet · 21/12/2013 16:43

DSIS lives with my parents. Her house mate got married, the rent was a stretch, she was always home chatting to Mum. It just seemed daft paying for somewhere else.

She's lovely, she deserved a lovely BF, just never seemed to find one, as she got older they were all divorced, had Dcs. She wasn't sure she wanted that sort of hassle, never quite fell for someone badly enough not to care.

I'm sure she could have men on sleepovers, I had DH every third weekend for two years before he was DH

HandragsNGladbags · 21/12/2013 16:44

Saturday before Christmas and he has no childcare issues, and he is stopping in with his parents watching tv?!!! And has already done that every night for the last week?

I'd be wondering why he hasn't got a social life as well.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 16:49

exactly.

hes a single man, he could be out, or visiting friends, or anything.
Hes been in every night this week, He had two days off this week, where he told me for most of them he laid in bed.

Something isnt right.

Im rushed off my feet with work, and xmas prep, and festive celebrating. he doesnt understand how come im so busy, he keeps making coments to me like ' busy, you are so busy' er, yeah. Because im a grown up and its a busy time of year.

We wouldnt get on, we just wouldnt.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 21/12/2013 17:07

run, run,

Darkesteyes · 21/12/2013 17:08

My ex OM lived with his in laws for 3 and a half years after he and his wife divorced.
Turned out it was because he was a tight git. He eventually got rehoused. He did have a mortgage with his ex wife but said he couldnt afford it after she left.

This is him.

1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

Darkesteyes · 21/12/2013 17:09

Run op Run like the wind Run like shit through a goose but the key word here is RUN

MyBachisworsethanmybite · 21/12/2013 17:15

Wow, Darkesteyes. Did he have any good points? Shock

Darkesteyes · 21/12/2013 17:27

He was quite good in bed once id shown him what i wanted.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 17:39

my vibrator is quite good and i dont have to put up with shit like that.

:)

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 21/12/2013 17:42

YY Worthapunt. I wouldnt put up with it now NO WAY!

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 21/12/2013 17:46

OMG - I can't believe people are still badgering you to go out with this loser. It's not the living at home thing on its own - it's:

  • no girlfriends staying over
  • 5 years at home
  • the SHED
  • the cheese on toast
  • the 'lodger' comment
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 17:47

I've been single 4 and a half years now, since joining mumsnet, im quite glad i decided not to kiss the frogs.

stgeorgiaandthedragon · 21/12/2013 17:49

Well, the OP is obviously free to do as she will but I have to admit a lot of the comments on here are bizarre, at best.

I see very little of my dad but in fact, we get on very well indeed! We share the same sense of humour and have plenty to talk about. My mum is sadly dead but we also got in extremely well.

I have always lived alone more or less and once, when my dad was single we - gasp! - lived together. I rented out my property and gave half the cash from that to my dad and put the rest into savings. Those 6 months were amongst the happiest of my life; my dad is retired and has an active social life and I certainly saw plenty of my friends still. I had company in the evenings, we took turns cooking and grocery shopping and often if he was watching something downstairs I wasn't interested in I'd be upstairs doing my own thing.

Why on earth I would have swapped that to live with housemates I don't know - I have flat shared before and found it awful.

If you don't get on with your parents obviously it wouldn't work but why assume no one can? Why assume that a son or daughter can't live with their parent(s) as friends, rather than as a child?

Perhaps I am just lucky because my dad will help me if he can, he does my garden for me whenever he visits and I'm grateful. But he has broadband and a working TV and phone thanks to me, too. Why on earth combining your lives together makes someone weird - sheesh, sometimes, it can make perfect sense. It's a question of getting to know people and circumstances before making stupid assumptions based on equally daft prejudices.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 17:52

He also keeps going on about me wearing heels, despite me telling him i dont wear them.
Then he asks why not, and if i wear them on the weekend... er, no. Im usually doing something, heels are not practical.
And he keeps going on about me wearing them at work, despite me saying i do a job where i am on my feet all day, and even the most hardened shoe lover converts to flats after a day, because its just not a job you can do in heels.

And he said something about traditional gender roles, but i forget what.

No.

I shall let him down gently tomorrow, because im not a cow.
but there is no way on hell im going to meet him, not even for a coffee.

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/12/2013 17:54

Gender Roles........Ha, hes looking for a new mummy.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 18:01

i remember now. He asked what i had done, and i said worked, picked my child up from school, did the food shopping and walked the dog.

He commented that he had sorted some lights for his mum, and how nice it was that i fitted in with traditional gender roles.

er - im not fitting in with traditional gender roles. Im just living my life.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 21/12/2013 18:15

He's got a shoe fetish, and hopes to borrow yours.
Darkest, your ex must win an award for being the meanest ex ever on MN.

Darkesteyes · 21/12/2013 18:24

LadyBeagle Yes It was bloody maddening.

worthapunt hes a sexist to boot.

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 19:02

I think you can't truly judge till you have met him. He may be the next richard Branson, creatively rummaging away in his shed. He will probably be able to buy a house mortgage free by 50. However the gender roles and open high heel fetish would worry me. Of course he is able to learn to cook but will he?

I'd probably ask a few questions by text

' Can you cook? Cheese toasties sound dire' . Followed by what meals do you like to cook?'

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 19:04

ive already asked him. he said not really but he wouldnt starve.

I have no interest in training a man or teaching him shit. He either brings it to the table, or doesnt. i am not his mother, i have a child to teach life skills to..... not a crap man.

:)

and this is why im single :)

OP posts:
KIrsty7318 · 21/12/2013 21:25

Of course 'he' could always be a consortium of teenagers who are trying to see how much they can get you to believe - I can see it now. "Tell her he breeds rabbits in the shed - rampant ones!". "Noôooo! Ask her about high heels, that's much funnier!"

Topaz25 · 22/12/2013 01:43

YANBU. More and more adults are moving back home temporarily because of financial problems but living at home for 5 years at the age of 38 looks like he's not very motivated to change his situation, which raises questions about your future with him. It's a big red flag for me that he's "not allowed ' female friends' back in his room." This shows that him and his parents are not just adults sharing a house, they are still treating him like a child and it's very much their house, their rules. I wouldn't want to get involved in that family dynamic.

squoosh · 22/12/2013 01:48

I was at a wedding a couple of years ago at which one of the guests was a single man in his early 60s. He got stuck into the booze and was put up on a friend's couch for a night. The next morning his 92 year old mother rang him on his mobile chastising him for having stayed out all night!

I would not contemplate for one single second dating a 38 year old man who lived with his parents.

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