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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unsure about dating a 38 year old man who lives at home.

141 replies

worthapunt · 21/12/2013 13:43

He is divorced, moved back home when that happened, 5 years ago.

Has been there ever since, not allowed ' female friends' back in his room.

He seems quite nice, but this is bothering me. He has his own space, as in a shed he has customised, but made a joke about sharing the remote control and taking him mum shopping and it turns me off.

AIBU or do i give him a chance?

OP posts:
Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:55

No, he has an office based job, full time. Plus his own business, which he conducts from the shed.

OP posts:
Ilikecooking · 21/12/2013 15:57

Aw ok, my friend is the salt of the earth, that's all, one of life's treasures (smile) but I can see why you're having doubts if you haven't met the guy in question.
X

BohemianGirl · 21/12/2013 15:57

A two bed flat round here would cost the thick end of £1200 pcm.

That aside, there is a spate of parents (my age) doing second extension/loft conversions/garage conversions to facilitate self contained areas for their adult children. As the child will inherit eventually, might just as well enhance the property.

teacherandguideleader · 21/12/2013 15:57

My DP lived at home until a similar age, I found it a little odd at first. But, his mum trained him well and did not run around after him - I consequently have a DP that cooks, cleans and irons :)

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 15:58

actually thinking about it, i wonder if its like some posters said, in that he feels he cant move out as he doesnt have a wife... so is staying with his mother.
And only ended up at home so long as hes been single for so long, it not occuring to him he could move on his own.

i dont want to be someone elses mother. The man child i dated a few years ago once totally stunned me, i had cooked a dinner for him, specially for him as he was fussy with food. Once he was done he got up from the table and took himself off to the living room, leaving me sat there like an idiot.

Expecting me to clean up.

like his mother would

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 21/12/2013 16:00

Perhaps he likes the company? I would imagine it could be pretty depressing alone in a studio flat.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 16:01

then he could houseshare?

OP posts:
HaroldTheGoat · 21/12/2013 16:01

Maybe he's just perfectly normal but happy enough there for now and saving lots of money.

It could have just been a ground rule that he can't take women around - this May be different for a proper girlfriend but if your getting on a bit you don't want a stream of different women coming in and out?

This wouldn't put me off per se, I would give it a little bit to see how it pans out.

Can't see anything wrong with taking his mum shopping, loads of daughter/mums go shopping together and no one bats an eyelid.

And don't write the poor woman off as a MIL from hell just yet.

BohemianGirl · 21/12/2013 16:02

He does - with his parents Grin

HaroldTheGoat · 21/12/2013 16:05

I wouldn't live with my parents they would drive me up the wall but his might be a right old hoot.

BlackDaisies · 21/12/2013 16:05

My ex lived at home for years as an adult. His not so redeeming features were being very, very tight with money, (he paid no rent) completely lacking in respect for women, he was pretty lazy.... I'd say you're right to make your excuses and run! No 38 year old man should be happy with being treated like a teenager, or be happy with his parents/ rents (?!) cooking for him night after night.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 16:05

yes, with an added cleaner and cook.

harrold, but to not have any woman in your bed.. for 5 years....

id see that as an infringements of my rights and life as an adult.

the fact that he doesnt and accepts that rather than moves out means we wont get on.

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 21/12/2013 16:06

can always flatshare if you want your independence that much not everyone does but will use excuses that they can not afford too

I know people who have moved back to save money, look after poorly parents that is different ds will always have a home with me if he needs it but when he is an adult I hope I have bought him up to want to have independent from me

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 16:06

he cant cook, he told me he wouldnt starve, but cant really cook. well no, because his wife did and now his mum does.

there is nothing attractive about a man who cant look afterhimself. I am not desperate.

OP posts:
HaroldTheGoat · 21/12/2013 16:07

Has he had a proper girlfriend in that time who hasn't been allowed over? Ok that's odd then.

Are you getting Timothy from sorry vibes. LANGUAGE TIMOTHY!

Not called Timothy is he? Grin

BohemianGirl · 21/12/2013 16:08

Not everybody wants to be faced with their childs latest acquisition over the breakfast table.

thebestnameshavegone · 21/12/2013 16:12

it totally depends on the circumstances. I know 2 men who are in their mid-30's who have always lived at home except for their uni years.

one of them is waited on hand and foot by his parents, they live in a small house and he has basically taken it over and they bend over backwards to accommodate him. he has a girlfriend who wants him to move in with her but he wont because its too comfortable at home. he has a well paid job, doesn't pay any rent and spends his money things like designer suits and a flash car.

the other has what is basically a self-contained flat in his parents large house. he mostly cooks for himself and spends time alone, although he does eat with them for some meals in the week. his parents are abroad for a few months of the year and he looks after the house while they are away. I don't know what the rent situation is.

I find the first situation ridiculous and if I was his mum, I would have booted him long ago, but I think the second guy is very normal and its understandable that he still lives there.

Original poster
worthapunt · 21/12/2013 16:19

He hasnt had a proper girlfriend in 5 years.
I cant judge on that as i havent either, however, i am free to share my bed with whomever i please :)

I just cant imagine, at 38, my mum doing all my housework, food shopping, cooking etc.

its like not taking any responsibility for your own life. No wonder hes texting me what im doing the whole time, he has nothing to fill his life.

its just not for me.

OP posts:
MyBachisworsethanmybite · 21/12/2013 16:22

I was

FredFredGeorge · 21/12/2013 16:25

He's a fool, he has a nice easy story to spin to put him in a better light:

My parents retired and were really unwell, hard up, sick and I was spending more and more time looking after them, this broke up my marriage when DP just wanted me to leave them to it and take everything, I moved back in with them and now have to look after them all the time, have to stay in of the evening often and just watch TV.

They're getting better though, so I'm able to start rebuilding my life, want to do that with me worthapunt?

But instead he's come across like a 12 year old. So at a guess, that's what he is, just in a 38 year olds body. AVOID!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 21/12/2013 16:26

It's all the 'little things' that would be me off - 'mothership', 'rents', 'no sleep overs' - he sounds about 14 (and that's probably insulting most 14 year olds).

I don't think you can rule out anyone who lives with a parent - but I certainly think you can rule out this one without a shadow of regret! Xmas Grin

ComposHat · 21/12/2013 16:29

I'd love to see his bedroom.

Pound to a penny he's got a He-Man duvet on his bed, yellowing posters of Kenny Dalglish on the wall and back issues of Razzle from 1987 piled up under the bed.

Andrewofgg · 21/12/2013 16:29

Throw this fish back into the sea.

Back2Two · 21/12/2013 16:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

BerryChristmas · 21/12/2013 16:33

I know someone who is 46 and lives at home. He works away all week and is home most weekends, does all his own washing and cooking etc. but there's little point in him paying for his own accommodation when he is only going to be in it 1 or 2 nights a week !!

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