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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Football clashes with DD's dance show- DH wont look after our son

163 replies

peppajay · 20/12/2013 11:14

AIBU to expect my DH to miss two football games to look after our son?? My DD is in a dance show in Feb half term, she has two rehersals the two Saturdays before, one is ok as there is no football but the first one and the one of the show he is at football and he wont miss it. I have no one else to look after him as my parents aren't local and my friends who I would usually ask have children in the show so they aren't available. It looks like at the moment I will have to pull her out of the show as I have no cover for my son. My DH has a season ticket and it was a lot of money but we compromised and he goes to the home games but not the away games otherwise he would never be home on a Saturday. He is very organized and has all the dates written up so I know when he is free and I admit when I said yes to the show I didn't actually think about cover for my son. I just think its a bit unfair that she has to miss out, I haven't said anything to her yet as I am hoping maybe nearer the time he will change his mind but I don't actualy know if he will and I have said he has to explain why she has to miss it but he doesn't seem bothered and said that she will realize that he cant miss football and that it was my fault for not checking the dates in the first place!!

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 20/12/2013 15:54

I think you are the unreasonable one actually, sorry.

You said he is completely organised about his football and all the dates are on the calendar - you have already discussed and come to the compromise that he would only go to home matches, you said you agreed to your daughter doing the show without checking the calendar first, he says he will come and get your son straight after the football.

Firstly, how old is your daughter? Why do you need to be there for the whole afternoon? Why can't your son go with you? Why can't you sort out childcare if you don't want to take him with you?

If I had prior arrangements that were made well in advance, discussed and agreed on and on the calendar, I'd be a bit hacked off if my husband suddenly insisted that I had to drop things because he couldn't be arsed to sort a babysitter out tbh.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/12/2013 15:57

I wonder if some posters realise how difficult it is to get season tickets for some clubs.

and how long some of the waiting lists for them are,

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 15:59

'What made me think he was selfish was that he said "she will realize that he cant miss football".

So football is more important (to him) than anything else.'

He's not saying that though is he? He's saying I can't miss football.....so that DS doesn't have to go to rehearsal or spend a few hours with a babysitter.

That's quite different to saying that football is more important than ANYTING else.

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 20/12/2013 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 16:08

They're not!

I'd say the majority are with the DH.

RTT?

LeBearPolar · 20/12/2013 16:08

I think everyone is blaming the DH because

a) This is about football and therefore seems to make him the worst father ever

and

b) He is a man and the OP is a woman and therefore he is a selfish git.

I would love to see the responses had the original post been that a woman was being asked to give up doing something she loved because her DH wanted her to look after the kids. Hmm

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 16:12

The responses would be 'he's controlling and emotionally abusive, ltb'.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 20/12/2013 16:13

"My DH would never pass up an opportunity to watch/join in with something his children were doing."
This.

DelGirl · 20/12/2013 16:14

Why can't you just book a baby sitter, you have plenty of time!!!

Amateurish · 20/12/2013 16:35

"My DH would never pass up an opportunity to watch/join in with something his children were doing."

Family life should be about balance and making sure everyone has opportunities for their own activities and leisure time. In this case, DH's only social activity is football home games. That probably means on average 1 Saturday a month (19 home games in the Premier League, say 7 midweek).

Everything shouldn't revolve around children. They are an equal part of the family.

Amateurish · 20/12/2013 16:38

If this situation were role reversed, would people really be calling his wife a cunt and a wanker?

RedHelenB · 20/12/2013 16:42

There was one from someone unwilling to give up her slimming world for her sc activity & that was deemed appalling that she should be asked to give it up!

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 16:49

Grin you've got to love a mumsnet double standard.

I wonder how many marriages have been effected by people being told their (perfectly normal) husbands are lazy, cock-lodging, red-flag waving cunts?

monicalewinski · 20/12/2013 17:34

"My DH would never pass up an opportunity to watch/join in with something his children were doing."

I actively avoid going to football training/rugby training/matches if I can possibly manage it.

I have compromised that I go to the home games, but I'm buggered if I'm going to bore/freeze my tits off every week standing at the side of a pitch when I could be in Costa with my book, or having a lie in.

Am I a shit mum? or just a mum that doesn't need to be at everything to prove my love for the kids?

When there are clashes with stuff, we work round it and the kids have to fit in too - my youngest often had to hang around watching karate comps when he was small as there was no other option (when my husband or me were working away) even though I'm sure he'd have preferred to be elsewhere.

What does OP think single parents do when there are clashes??

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 17:42

*affected Blush

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/12/2013 17:42

"My DH would never pass up an opportunity to watch/join in with something his children were doing."

I suspect that this is missing
"because if he did I would make his life hell"

Joiningthegang · 20/12/2013 17:47

I think it depends what was on the calendar first. I this is his thing he loves and looks forward to, and was on the calendar first, then you have the children and have to work around that.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 20/12/2013 17:56

How many dance shows are there a year? I suspect not as many as if your dc plays sport and you are talking about attending all the games. I think the rehearsal would be deathly dull, but I would not miss the actual show if humanly possible. Working parents miss a lot of things that schools put on during the week, so I do think an event like this s a "big deal". And I am speaking as someone whose weekends are entirely scheduled around her dh's football watching - when there is nothing more important to do.

Original poster
peppajay · 20/12/2013 18:00

My DH is not missing the show he is seeing it on the Monday night! And I would take him if I could but she has asked for no siblings coz if she says yes to one person bringing them she ends up with lots of little ones running around. Her dance school doesn't have chaperones so your child is your responsibility in all rehersals and shows and aren't allowed to be left at any time. Have been in touch with an agency this afternoon who are able to help so think I will go down this route then this keeps everyone happy. I i i i I hold my hands up and admit to be it being my mistake for not checking the calendar However if the situation was reversed and was me going to the football I would miss my hobby for my dd's always!!

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 20/12/2013 18:11

BoneyBackJefferson you know nothing about me or my DH.

The fact is he had a rather sad and difficult childhood, by the time he was fostered he was almost into his teens.

I wouldn't even consider making his life hell.

Anyway - obviously my views are out of kilter with the majority. I am sure the op and her DH will sort it all out.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 18:15

'My DH is not missing the show he is seeing it on the Monday night! '

In that case, YABU about the rehearsal AND the show.

Lucyccfc · 20/12/2013 18:18

My husband used to be like this. Football came first, above everything - me and his DS included.

He is now my ex-husband.

I am a football fan too, but family comes first.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 20/12/2013 18:19

If you cant take your DS, then either DH will have to miss one match or find a babysitter while your DH is at the match.

If you cant find a sitter, then DH will have to miss the match.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/12/2013 18:23

3littlefrogs

You are quite correct that I know nothing about you, but I can extrapolate from relationships that I have been in and seen.

IMO (and I do not say that you are doing this) those that would say something akin to "a good father would do X" are bordering on emotional abuse through emotional blackmail.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 18:28

'My husband used to be like this. Football came first, above everything '

This is not what the OP's husband has said! RTT!

Football comes first over DS spending a few hours with a babysitter is in no way the same as 'football came first, above EVERYTHING'. Clearly.