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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Football clashes with DD's dance show- DH wont look after our son

163 replies

peppajay · 20/12/2013 11:14

AIBU to expect my DH to miss two football games to look after our son?? My DD is in a dance show in Feb half term, she has two rehersals the two Saturdays before, one is ok as there is no football but the first one and the one of the show he is at football and he wont miss it. I have no one else to look after him as my parents aren't local and my friends who I would usually ask have children in the show so they aren't available. It looks like at the moment I will have to pull her out of the show as I have no cover for my son. My DH has a season ticket and it was a lot of money but we compromised and he goes to the home games but not the away games otherwise he would never be home on a Saturday. He is very organized and has all the dates written up so I know when he is free and I admit when I said yes to the show I didn't actually think about cover for my son. I just think its a bit unfair that she has to miss out, I haven't said anything to her yet as I am hoping maybe nearer the time he will change his mind but I don't actualy know if he will and I have said he has to explain why she has to miss it but he doesn't seem bothered and said that she will realize that he cant miss football and that it was my fault for not checking the dates in the first place!!

OP posts:
complexnumber · 20/12/2013 15:07

DH's footie was previously negotiated and agreed to. It is obviously a passion of his and probably has been for a very long time.

The OP failed to check the agenda that she had agreed to, I do that all the time.

It is still a long time away, I believe it is the responsibility of the OP to find a solution, she is the one who has broken the understanding.

It might be nice if the DH does miss a match to look after his DS, but he holds the moral high ground.

In my opinion.

(I think many posters may not understand how a football team can become such an obsession, but then I fail to understand how obsessed people can be over things like cats)

(I am not obsessed by football or cats)

BackforGood · 20/12/2013 15:08

I too think YABU - your dh has something booked, that is on the calendar first. It is irrelevant what is is - you only have to mention football on MN and so many posters automatically seem to think it's OK to start abusing the person - but, football, or some other commitment, it is there, on the calendar first. If something else comes along afterwards, then the question is, 'How can we work this?'. I'm sure it's not that hard to find someone to look after a 4 yr old for 3 hours or so on a Saturday - you could ask a favour from a friend or pay a babysitter.

3littlefrogs · 20/12/2013 15:11

Find out if any of the other mums have younger children.

Get together and share out the load. Some mums stay to help with costume changes and supervision of dancers, the others look after the younger ones.

It is doable, you just need to organise it.

You husband sounds like a selfish child.

NoComet · 20/12/2013 15:18

Standing order bookings like football, WI and DH Wednesday club pub meetings are not set in stone, must happen or else events.

If DH had forgotten the concert I went to with my sister I would have killed him. We do things once, twice a year.

The OP wants one Saturday off from something that happens every other Saturday every fucking year.

To do something nice for HIS CHILD

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 15:19

Yeah, selfish children are known for negotiating, agreeing, pre-booking and putting on the calendar their social engagements.

NoComet · 20/12/2013 15:23

Muddling husbands don't feel in the least guilty that's why this is so fucking unfair. It's the OP who feels guilty, it's the OP who will either have to mop her DDs tears or muddle through and call in favours. It always fucking is.

If you go to football and your DCs are complicated as a result, I bet you sort it out not their Dad.

Mothers always do!

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 15:25

Men don't feel guilt?!

You must give us a link to your research Star. It sounds fascinating.

plummyjam · 20/12/2013 15:25

It sounds that at worst, OP will be inconvenienced by having to keep an eye on her son and daughter for 5 hours at the rehearsal. On the issue of DH missing the show, personally I think if the football was already arranged and mum is going it shouldn't be a big deal (and shouldn't be made into a big deal), especially if he's generally a good dad and is there the rest of the time which it sounds like he is.

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 20/12/2013 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 20/12/2013 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/12/2013 15:37

The OP fecked up. nut I can't say that I am surprised at the responses against the DH.

And some posters wonder why MN is seen as anti male.

MuddlingMackem · 20/12/2013 15:40

Starballbunny Fri 20-Dec-13 15:23:16

Muddling husbands don't feel in the least guilty that's why this is so fucking unfair. It's the OP who feels guilty, it's the OP who will either have to mop her DDs tears or muddle through and call in favours. It always fucking is.

Well, if she'd booked in the show first I'd agree with you, but she didn't, so that's a flawed argument. And she doesn't sound like she feels guilty at all, just narked that her DH won't compensate for her mistake, so in this case she is the one who should be calling in the favours.

If you go to football and your DCs are complicated as a result, I bet you sort it out not their Dad.

Nope. If he stuffs up he sorts or he cancels. I'm no martyr. Grin

If he tells me that there's something he wants to do but it's when I'm at football I may assist him in arranging childcare if the childcare involves my dad, but otherwise I leave him to it. :)

JingleMyBells · 20/12/2013 15:40

Why is he "looking after". DS is his responsibility too, not just yours. It sounds like you are asking him to do you a favour. Disgraceful behaviour from a grown man.

3littlefrogs · 20/12/2013 15:40

I would like to know what expensive hobby the op gets to do on a regular basis, on her own without the DC?

landrover · 20/12/2013 15:43

But Peppajay, does dh not want to watch dd in her dance show?

Sirzy · 20/12/2013 15:43

3litle - if you read the thread the op has already explained that both of them have a good balance of activities they do away from the children.

3littlefrogs · 20/12/2013 15:44

Ok - must have missed that. Will read thread again.

Sirzy · 20/12/2013 15:44

When has it been said there is no other opportunities to watch the show? I haven't noticed the op saying he won't be watching it at all?

awastingamanger · 20/12/2013 15:45

He can take him to the football. Buy him a pie. He'll love it.

3littlefrogs · 20/12/2013 15:46

I agree with landrover. It is sad that he doesn't want to watch his DD.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/12/2013 15:46

3littlefrogs

What has that got to do with the thread?
The OP has already said that the DH's football was discussed and agreed between them.

Sirzy · 20/12/2013 15:48

Actually just read the op again and it says that "one of the show" he is at football so it looks likely there is more than one show so no need to assume he isn't going to watch the show

LIZS · 20/12/2013 15:50

Ask one of the other parents to drop your dd off for rehearsals and the dance teacher to supervise her . The only people behind the stage should be licenced chaperones/DBS checked helpers not every child's parents . Book a babysitter for ds if dh won't (and given his dates were confirmed first he shouldn't have to) and enjoy the show as a spectator.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 15:50

'one is ok as there is no football but the first one and the one of the show he is at football'

That means 'the Saturday' of the show, not 'one of the shows'.

3littlefrogs · 20/12/2013 15:52

I suppose it is just about priorities. My DH would never pass up an opportunity to watch/join in with something his children were doing. However, everyone is different I suppose.

What made me think he was selfish was that he said "she will realize that he cant miss football".

So football is more important (to him) than anything else.

I realise that the op made a mistake - I still think it is a shame that football is top of the list of priorities for this man.