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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Football clashes with DD's dance show- DH wont look after our son

163 replies

peppajay · 20/12/2013 11:14

AIBU to expect my DH to miss two football games to look after our son?? My DD is in a dance show in Feb half term, she has two rehersals the two Saturdays before, one is ok as there is no football but the first one and the one of the show he is at football and he wont miss it. I have no one else to look after him as my parents aren't local and my friends who I would usually ask have children in the show so they aren't available. It looks like at the moment I will have to pull her out of the show as I have no cover for my son. My DH has a season ticket and it was a lot of money but we compromised and he goes to the home games but not the away games otherwise he would never be home on a Saturday. He is very organized and has all the dates written up so I know when he is free and I admit when I said yes to the show I didn't actually think about cover for my son. I just think its a bit unfair that she has to miss out, I haven't said anything to her yet as I am hoping maybe nearer the time he will change his mind but I don't actualy know if he will and I have said he has to explain why she has to miss it but he doesn't seem bothered and said that she will realize that he cant miss football and that it was my fault for not checking the dates in the first place!!

OP posts:
NoComet · 20/12/2013 12:00

Or else when she's older she will tell him exactly what she thinks of football (and I might be tempted to give her his season ticket and a pair if scissors).

WooWooOwl · 20/12/2013 12:06

Or, why should he find childcare for the OPs ds?

It works both ways startail, it's no more the DHs job to sort it than it is the OPs.

The two events are of equal importance to the two family members concerned, and finding a solution is a family problem, not a trade off between the OP and her DH. Dancing is no more important than football, they are both just hobbies.

I agree you both need to look for other childcare that day.

Bowlersarm · 20/12/2013 12:08

YABU

He has put his game commitments on the calendar. He has been organised. People who aren't interested in sport don't understand the passion and commitment involved.

Between you, you need to get alternative childcare arranged , before the event happens. There is plenty of time, but it needs sorting out.

Bowlersarm · 20/12/2013 12:09

Xpost with WooWooOwl - agree totally, WooWoo.

Ruebarb · 20/12/2013 12:09

YABU I would never expect my dh to miss an event that he had prebooked several months ago and that I should have known about when this event cropped up. You have 4 options:
1 ask your dh to take ds to football - if there is not a prebooked seat next to him he can swap his seat for another seat with a spare seat next to him and then pay for ds - often pre-schoolers can attend matches very cheaply
2 find someone to babysit ds whilst you are at the rehearsal
3 take ds with you to the rehearsal
4 dd misses the rehearsal but just goes for the show (may need negotiating)

Elsiequadrille · 20/12/2013 12:11

I'd take him with you, lots of people do similar with siblings and manage.

Nancy66 · 20/12/2013 12:11

You have weeks and weeks to sort this out.

littleducks · 20/12/2013 12:19

If it was me I would take ds along with a bag packed full of quiet toys and snacks to entertain him. I have done 5 hours in boring places no problem if I have prepared a bag of tricks.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/12/2013 12:25

This is a non problem.

Just get a baby sitter.

You have plenty of time.

I wouldn't normally defend someone who watches football over spending Saturdays with their kids but he sounds normally involved so this isn't part of a pattern.

LeBearPolar · 20/12/2013 12:25

It's in February!

You have six weeks to find a baby sitter! Confused

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 12:28

If he won't do this he is a shit Dad. No two ways about it.

Poshnosh · 20/12/2013 12:28

Why can't he take him to football?
What a selfish arse!!

CocktailQueen · 20/12/2013 12:29

I thought you meant he was taking your ds to football. Not that he was going to football himself.

What a selfish man. Can you take ds with you? You have a while to arrange childcare - do you have nobody else?

BadLad · 20/12/2013 12:32

More like 20 per season, so more than a third of his weekends are taken up with football.

They might not all be at weekends. Depending on the team some of them will be midweek.

However, if it isn't a Premiership team, it will be 23 home games, or 19 if it is.

formerbabe · 20/12/2013 12:34

I'm trying to imagine though if a mum posted on here saying she does a hobby and has it scheduled in on the calender and her husband told her not to go one weekend so she could look after their kids, there would be an uproar?!

redskyatnight · 20/12/2013 12:42

DH has booked 2 Saturdays off months ahead. Season tickets are expensive and he's only going to half the games as is, I don't think it's unreasonable that he wants to go as the OP has time and other options.

Firstly, does DS not want to see his sister in the show? So that's one Saturday sorted.

And do you really need to hang around while DD rehearses (disclaimer - don't have children involved in dance). Sounds like you could drop her off and do something with DS - DH has even offered to pick him up later so it's not the whole time..

Ruebarb · 20/12/2013 12:46

Exactly what I thought formerbabe - need to respect the other half's life to a certain extent and its not like he is out every weekend. I would also hate the thought that those 2 matches were 'wasted' knowing the cost of season tickets!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/12/2013 12:46

Your DH has offered a solution which doesn't involve having to use an unknown babysitter. Take DS with you to the rehearsal and your DH will collect him after football. That seems reasonably sensible and stops your DS getting too fed up at the rehearsal.

Or get a babysitter. Or get DH to take DS to football. Any of these.

Sirzy · 20/12/2013 12:49

I agree with former babe.

I would appear from what the op has said that there is a very good balance in the relationship of both getting free time. Her husband is in a position whereby he knows well in advance when his events are (and the events aren't flexible) and makes sure that is known by his wife. Not sure how that makes him selfish.

Work together to find a solution, you have plenty of time.

Oakmaiden · 20/12/2013 12:50

I don't see why daughter's hobby is more important than husband's. In fact, what with her being a child, I would say it is actually less important. And I say that as a mum of a child who regularly dances 12+ hours a week when in show/festival season. It can be a pain to organise things so everyone is happy, but it can be done.

The first thing to do is talk to the dance school. Tell them your dilemma - that on the last rehearsal and show day itself you have no child care for your daughter. I would be surprised if they find this a problem - I have yet to meet a dance school who WANT every parent hanging around backstage during a show. And you don't normally practise in costume (unless it is the dress rehearsal) so the practise probably won't be an issue at all. Most dance schools arrange a chaperone list, and one parent takes responsibility for several children. This lets some parents watch while others chaperone, and then you swap the next night.

If that won't work, and the school insist that you must be there and your son must not, then there are several options which have been suggested. DS could go with husband to the football. DS could go to a friend's house. You could ask around for an alternative childminder/babysitter for the day. You could send ds off for a special weekend holiday at his grandparents. The rehearsal could be missed/ or part of it could be (as a last resort!).

LeBearPolar · 20/12/2013 12:55

Yes - does your DS not have any friends he could have an afternoon playing with?

Am surprised by all this vehemence against the OP's DH - can't work out what he has done wrong actually! He has put his matches on the calendar, has suggested a compromise (that he collects DS as soon as the match has finished), it seems as if the OP has loads of time to herself so it's not as if he's out and about all the time and she's always stuck at home with the kids...

Just a case of CBA to find a solution, so wants DH to give in as it'd be less hassle, basically.

Phaush · 20/12/2013 12:59

I'm male.

Your DH is putting what is best for him over what is best for his kids.

I was a season-card holder before I was a parent. I can't imagine finding time to go to the football now. That said I've seen kids from a few weeks old upwards at matches.

LeBearPolar · 20/12/2013 13:03

Your DH is putting what is best for him over what is best for his kids.

No, he's not! He's going to the football which means alternative childcare needs to be found for a couple of hours!

It's not as if DS will shatter into thousands of pieces if someone other than a parent looks after him Confused

starrystarryknut · 20/12/2013 13:06

Why can't you just get a babysitter?

Bowlersarm · 20/12/2013 13:07

Phaush what has the fact that you are a male got to do with anything? Does it make your opinion more valid?

The OP and her DH need childcare, or the OP can take DS to watch her DD. It's not rocket science.