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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Football clashes with DD's dance show- DH wont look after our son

163 replies

peppajay · 20/12/2013 11:14

AIBU to expect my DH to miss two football games to look after our son?? My DD is in a dance show in Feb half term, she has two rehersals the two Saturdays before, one is ok as there is no football but the first one and the one of the show he is at football and he wont miss it. I have no one else to look after him as my parents aren't local and my friends who I would usually ask have children in the show so they aren't available. It looks like at the moment I will have to pull her out of the show as I have no cover for my son. My DH has a season ticket and it was a lot of money but we compromised and he goes to the home games but not the away games otherwise he would never be home on a Saturday. He is very organized and has all the dates written up so I know when he is free and I admit when I said yes to the show I didn't actually think about cover for my son. I just think its a bit unfair that she has to miss out, I haven't said anything to her yet as I am hoping maybe nearer the time he will change his mind but I don't actualy know if he will and I have said he has to explain why she has to miss it but he doesn't seem bothered and said that she will realize that he cant miss football and that it was my fault for not checking the dates in the first place!!

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 20/12/2013 13:08

Your DH is putting what is best for him over what is best for his kids.

And that is a problem, why? If he was doing it about really important things I would agree - but this is a 6 year old child in a dancing show. It is not crucially important in any way at all. It is something that would be nice for her to do, obviously, and that she will enjoy - but her father also has a right to do things that are nice and that he will enjoy.

I do not believe that children's "wants" are more important than their parent's "wants". Their "needs" are, yes, but not "wants".

fluffyanimal · 20/12/2013 13:08

What redskyatnight said - why do you have to stay with DD during the rehearsal, can't you just drop her off and pick her up?

Original poster
peppajay · 20/12/2013 13:08

Thanks for all your replies seems a very mixed bags of opinions. I understand both sides but just think I am angry as struggling to find childcare. Childcare is and always has been an issue as we have no family close by. It just seems to be creeping on me and after Christmas it is only 4 weeks till the first rehersal!!!!

OP posts:
DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 20/12/2013 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livinginawinterwonderland · 20/12/2013 13:11

But you have until February OP. I'm sure you can find a teenager who wants some extra money and wouldn't mind looking after DS for a few hours until your husband gets home?

He's had this event planned for months. I would be very annoyed if DP tried to insist I cancelled a pre-planned event because he made plans that clashed with it. His plans were there first. You then made plans which clashed, which means you need to find the childcare, not him.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 20/12/2013 13:12

Why do you need to be there? DD did a big dance show in the summer and parents were not required to stay.

lookatmycameltoe · 20/12/2013 13:15

I think YABU and a bit precious.

Adults are allowed a life too. If I had booked something (I don't do anything but say a hen day/night) and had given loads of notice I would expect not to be guilt tripped over a babysitting gig.

I can't understand why your DS can't go with you or your DH. Or you can't get a babysitter. I thought he must have been 8 months or so, but he's 4 years old.

NoComet · 20/12/2013 13:17

It's not a Event. It's one of a series of entirely missable, repeated every week year in year out, football is never ending.

If you don't put your foot down you will have this problem every few months for years.

Your not asking him to miss a cup final, just one match (which may be on some god forsaken TV channel anyway).

There will be another along in a minute, sadly.

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 13:22

Who does he support? I asked my DH and he thinks YANBU. He thinks he should look after your son and that most blokes would.

I think the people who are saying a child's 'wants' shouldn't come first are forgetting the fact that the dd will have put a lot of work in at her dance classes in order to be able to do it. It's one match FFS.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons · 20/12/2013 13:22

Yes there will be another football match but that isn't really the point, is it?

The DH has booked in advance the day he will be out.
If the OP arranges something after he has made his plans, why should he have to cancel it, when there is actually solutions to this?

If I told my family on x date I will be going here, and 2 weeks later DH agreed to take one of the DCs somewhere, why on earth should I have to change my plans?

NoComet · 20/12/2013 13:23

Honestly the OP isn't asking her DH to shred his season ticket or never say the F word again.

Both of which I'd be tempted to. Just miss one ordinary mid season game. Hardly the end of the world, especially if she swaps it for a away game or a extra night out with his mates another time.

No DCs can't always come first, but your only 6 once.

If she was 3 or 4 I'd say fine, but at six she'll remover being/not being in the show and if she's like my DD2, it will be marked down in the account of parental sins forever.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons · 20/12/2013 13:25

Oh god as soon as anyone says "I asked my DH and he said that most men would do x" it makes me want to scream.

It's not the end of the thread because 1 DH said he would cancel his plans.

I would not cancel my plans. Even if my plans were to spend 3 hours shopping or whatever. If I say I am it here on x date, then it is up to the person who ignores that fact and agrees to something to find child care.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2013 13:25

This was your mistake OP so YABU to tell your DH that he's going to have to explain to her about the football.

Your son is 4yrs old, if you can't find someone to look after him after six weeks of trying...I'm sure you can take him along with some colouring books and toys.

Or as someone else said, make sure your DD is settled and someone can keep an eye on her.

Then leave your mobile phone number and take your DS to a cafe or somewhere to break up the day.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons · 20/12/2013 13:26

Oh come on. No one is going to pull their child out of a show because they don't want to find childcare for a rehearsal, that's ridiculous. That's what the OP is saying to her DH, to try and make him feel guilty and changes his plans.

Bowlersarm · 20/12/2013 13:27

Starballmummy - you sound very controlling. I don't understand how you think one half of a couple is able to issue orders to the other as to what they can or cannot do. It is wrong.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 20/12/2013 13:29

Your DH is being horrible.

This is his daughter ffs in a one off show! He can watch football numerous times a year. I would just not stand for it to be honest but then my husband isn't a twat.

LeBearPolar · 20/12/2013 13:30

I don't understand the childcare being an issue just because you have no family nearby. My closest family members are over a hundred miles away but we have friends who help us out with childcare when necessary. Do you really not know anyone who would have him for a few hours?!

If not, just take him to the rehearsal. I agree with lookatmycameltoe: you seem determined to make this into a huge deal.

BsshBossh · 20/12/2013 13:33

OP can't you ask your regular sitter if she has a trustworthy friend to sit for you? You then have a few weeks to get this new sitter and your DS together to see if they are fine together.

Do you really have to be at rehearsals the entire 5 hours? Could you not pop in and out so DS is not bored?

What time will your DH be able to make it back to rehearsals? You said he could come by once he's finished.

Elsiequadrille · 20/12/2013 13:33

"Oh god as soon as anyone says "I asked my DH and he said that most men would do x" it makes me want to scream."

Agree. Hmm whenever somebody does this on a thread! Case closed, then.

LeBearPolar · 20/12/2013 13:35

Toffee - why does the DH going to the football interfere with the DD and her show? It's the fact that the OP cba to sort out childcare/take her DS with her which is causing the problem.

whois · 20/12/2013 13:39

This is not a problem. Just book a bloody baby sitter for the day! Not exactly hard.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 20/12/2013 13:39

LeBearPolar

The OP forgot her husband was at football.
It is unfair to say she cba to sort childcare.
The OP H can watch football several times a year so he should give one day up for the sake of a one off dance show for his child imho.
Obviously it would be better if the OP and her H could work together to come up with a solution.

formerbabe · 20/12/2013 13:40

I don't have much family to babysit for me, so I pay a babysitter...I would do that if I was you.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 20/12/2013 13:41

He should be missing game 2 to see the actual performance.
Game 1, unless it's a particularly "rough" draw he should either a) stay home or b) take the ds with him and sit in the family bit.

Or of course, he could be the one to take dd to the rehearsal, it sounds deathly boring for a spectator.

nilbyname · 20/12/2013 13:44

Complete non issue, my DS would come with, he is 4. Lots of Lego and the ipad if we got desperate.

I think YABU, it's preferable if DS was not there, but still doable if he is.

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