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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Football clashes with DD's dance show- DH wont look after our son

163 replies

peppajay · 20/12/2013 11:14

AIBU to expect my DH to miss two football games to look after our son?? My DD is in a dance show in Feb half term, she has two rehersals the two Saturdays before, one is ok as there is no football but the first one and the one of the show he is at football and he wont miss it. I have no one else to look after him as my parents aren't local and my friends who I would usually ask have children in the show so they aren't available. It looks like at the moment I will have to pull her out of the show as I have no cover for my son. My DH has a season ticket and it was a lot of money but we compromised and he goes to the home games but not the away games otherwise he would never be home on a Saturday. He is very organized and has all the dates written up so I know when he is free and I admit when I said yes to the show I didn't actually think about cover for my son. I just think its a bit unfair that she has to miss out, I haven't said anything to her yet as I am hoping maybe nearer the time he will change his mind but I don't actualy know if he will and I have said he has to explain why she has to miss it but he doesn't seem bothered and said that she will realize that he cant miss football and that it was my fault for not checking the dates in the first place!!

OP posts:
TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons · 20/12/2013 13:48

But why has he got to change his plans?

The OP can either take her DS to the rehearsal or find a babysitter.

It's the rehersal he is missing, not the show.

I don't understand why his plans to go to football which were pre arranged are less important than the ops plans.
It doesn't mean the dd cannot go to the rehersal. It means the OP has to take the DS or find childcare.

She doesn't want to do that. He doesn't want to miss football.

LeBearPolar · 20/12/2013 13:50

Toffee - the OP herself said this:

"I do have time after xmas to ask around and see if I can find anyone to have him but would be so much easier if hubby would relent and just look after him!!!"

Apologies if that means something other than that she can't be bothered.

redskyatnight · 20/12/2013 13:52

I haven't asked my DH what he would do in this situation (though he doesn't like football Grin ).

But I am fairly sure if he had booked into the diary something that he really wanted to do.

And it turned out to clash with a children's activity.

he would say he would cancel his activity

...... (and this is the crucial point) if and only if every single alternative option to get round it had been explored and found to be not possible. And then he would probably expect to go on an alternative date (so in OP's case DH could go to one of the away matches he doesn't usually go to).

OP seems to be of the mindset that the simple option is for DH to just cancel football and is not even interested in finding an alternative because it would be too much hassle.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons · 20/12/2013 13:52

He can't just take his DS with him, he is a season ticket holder. So he has a specific seat in the stadium.

He can't just say "oh I think I'll sit somewhere else today, and bring another person with me"

He would have to buy 2 new tickets if he wanted to take his DS. And there probably aren't 2 new tickets available if its a premiership club.

Whereas the OP can take her DS to the rehersal. She just doesn't want to.

MrsDavidBowie · 20/12/2013 13:52

Isn't op the one who had the ds who went around smacking bottoms at a party recently??

I wouldn't expect dh not to go to football..I'd sort out someone to look after the child. It's not a big deal.

MrsSquirrel · 20/12/2013 13:55

Why do you have to stay all day at the rehearsal? That's what I don't understand. Don't the school have chaperones backstage? My dd has done dance for years and all I ever had to do was get her there.

Daykin · 20/12/2013 13:57

A 5-6 hr long dance rehearsal sounds awful, with or without a 4yo but not so awful that I would expect DH to give up doing something fun just so things were marginally better for me. Shock that parents are expected to stay for the rehearsal though. The easiest solution might be to find someone at the rehearsal to look after the dd, even if it was a timeshare so the OP could have 2 dancers to look after for a few hours with the 4yo and the other parent look after her dd for the rest of the time.

MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 20/12/2013 13:57

I think both the OP and her husband are getting a bit of an unfair pasting tbh.

She might have six weeks to sort it out, but she also has to make a decision regarding pulling out of the dance show soon, or it will be even worse for her DD.

OP
It seems to me, from what you've posted, that you and your DH have quite a good balance, with regard to you and his personal time. Use this as an opportunity to sit down and have a chat about what you will do when such a clash occurs.

As your kids get older, they will have more events and activities, and it is up to you and your DH to ensure that no one in the family feels that they are being unfairly treated.

We have a rule that one-off occasions have precedence over regular activities, and everyone sticks to that rule. This would mean that you would have to miss your bookclub night if eg his team got into final of important tournament and he had tickets.

Amateurish · 20/12/2013 14:00

YABU if you agreed beforehand that he can go to these games, and he put them all in your calendar, and you forgot to check when you booked in these rehearsals.

Plus it's very unfair to say that he has to explain to the daughter why she can't go. It's your mistake - you explain!

I would certainly not cancel my football trip in these circumstances.

Willowbear · 20/12/2013 14:08

He should take his son to the match with him. Under 5's are generally classed as babes by most football clubs in arms so could share his dads seat with him.

Phaush · 20/12/2013 14:11

I see I have got some flack :)

I mentioned I was male because the tone of the the thread seemed - to me - to be a bit "oh, you know what men are like, they love football" - that's nonsense in my opinion. His kids (OP refers to them as though child care is her responsibility rather than a shared thing) are more important.

I wouldn't dream of saying to my DD that it was more important for me to go to another football match than it was for her to do a dance show.

But yeah, whoever it was, if you want to think I mentioned I am male because I think that makes my opinion more valid, you think that.

JanePurdy · 20/12/2013 14:16

Tantrums not necessarily - my brother is a season ticker holder at a premiership club - kids under 5 are free & can sit on parents knee. My brother takes my dd a couple of times a season.

JanePurdy · 20/12/2013 14:16

Not a premiership club - whatever the top flight is called now!

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons · 20/12/2013 14:17

Fair enough jane I didn't know that. I stand corrected.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons · 20/12/2013 14:20

phaush the dd can still do the show.

The OP just doesn't want to take her DS to the rehearsal. And if she doesn't want to take him, then she should be the one to arrange childcare.

It. Is. A. Rehersal.

It isn't the show. She isn't being pulled out of the show, unless the OP decides that she really CBA to find child care or take her DS.
And that would be a very stupid thing to do. And it would be her fault.

Sirzy · 20/12/2013 14:21

Some clubs will allow you to swap seats if you want to take someone with you anyway.

I am a season ticket holder for rugby and tbh I would be miffed at being expected not to go before every other opportunity for childcare had been exhausted which it seems in this case hasn't happened yet.

nennypops · 20/12/2013 14:23

I don't see why daughter's hobby is more important than husband's. In fact, what with her being a child, I would say it is actually less important.

But surely the point is that this is a one-off show that she will have been rehearsing for and eagerly looking forward to for weeks, as against a bog-standard mid season football game. No-one is saying he should give up going to footie forever.

What does surprise me is that dh doesn't want to see his daughter in the show. When my dd was that age, it wouldn't have occurred to dh not to go.

brettgirl2 · 20/12/2013 14:26

yabu why do you need to be at the rehearsal anyway? Take him with you, get a babysitter lots of ways round it.

Topseyt · 20/12/2013 14:27

I never had easy access to childcare when mine were small. I got used to just taking them with me wherever I had to go, even if that was something like a rehearsal or a show involving my other children.

Just do it. It isn't impossible. Leave your daughter for the rehearsal (I always did) and go off and amuse your son elsewhere until it is time to go back. Not rocket science.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 14:36

YABU about the rehearsal. Problem solved

YANBU about the show. I think it's a shame he can't miss football to come and watch his DD. Will he not swap it for an away game?

RedHelenB · 20/12/2013 14:37

Take ds with you - honestly I have two dancing dds & am on my own & ds had to come along. Just take him a bag full of toys & sweets, there may well be other kids to play with too. AOur dance school has loads of organised mums though - at age 6 1 parent would easily have 2, 3 or 4 kids to get ready for performances.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/12/2013 14:43

I was thinking that YANBU, right up until the post stating that whilst the OP has many social engagements (that sounds overly grand, but you know what I mean) - her DH rarely goes out, other than to the football matches.

If this is the way your life works (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that), then you can't just expect one partner to give up the only activity they do just to make the other's life a little easier. UNLESS, you are routinely giving up your activities to help out your DH with childcare?

However, I do have a slight issue with him not wanting to go & see his DD's show......

ilovesooty · 20/12/2013 14:46

The OP simply didn't bother to check her husband's preplanned arrangements so I don't see why he should alter them. She has enough time to sort out childcare before the shows/rehearsal in question.

complexnumber · 20/12/2013 14:58

I don't want to be the 100th post, no one ever reads that.

So my super relevant post will be back in a minute.

(Though ILS always makes complete sense, known her as a poster for over 10 years here and there)

MuddlingMackem · 20/12/2013 14:59

OP, I think that you're being VVU.

I say that as a female season ticket holder for my football club.

My DH doesn't understand the appeal at all, but he has the common sense to check with me first before he commits to something happening on what could be a football day for me. And that is what you should have done, so your fault, your problem. Suck it up and don't guilt trip your husband.

Chances are that if my DD was doing a show and the actual performance clashed with a match, then I would miss that match because I would want to see her and be there for her, but Hell would freeze over before I'd miss a match just because my DH couldn't be bothered to trail DS along with him to a rehearsal.

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