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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:
MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 18/12/2013 23:02

Erm, Nonno. If I understood the OP correctly (in subsequent post, not the opening post) the dad never lived with his ex.

You are projecting emotions into this that simply don't exist.

OP's DH finds it tiring to do a 400mile journey and the OP is merely looking at alternatives.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 18/12/2013 23:03

Nonno nails it. Sounds ratter bloody cold to me. And Op still hasn't answered the query put forward several times now about how experienced with trains etc this girl actually is

BitOfFunWithSanta · 18/12/2013 23:06

I know I have wheeled this one out a few times, but my dd1's father emigrated to Australia when she was two. They are reasonably close, considering, and have seen each other most years (communicating in between, obv). She first flew out there independently aged 12, with a change of flight in the middle. So yes, I do think that a sensible 14 year old could do a train journey independently.

She's 17 now, and is attending all her university open days and interviews on her own, just as my generation did.

lookingfoxy · 18/12/2013 23:06

Dp does this for his dds as well sometimes or he'll get them half way or sometimes they'll get the train but I dont think so much the train when they were 14.
I think it gives them time together and they feel he's making an effort to see them as their pretty much left to me when their here.

MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 18/12/2013 23:07

OP stated

'He didn't move away, they never lived together - SDD's mother came down to visit twice 14 years ago and lo and behold ... He thinks she deliberately discarded him once she was pregnant. He had to fight for years to maintain contact and now sees his DD regularly. It is a pretty punishing journey though, which is why I suggested she was old enough to get public transport.'

Don't paint the OP as the evil stepmother quite yet, will you.

lookingfoxy · 18/12/2013 23:08

Oh and dp always moans about the journey but that's life if your kids stay far away.

friday16 · 18/12/2013 23:08

She's 17 now, and is attending all her university open days and interviews on her own, just as my generation did.

As are my children. They're virtually alone in this, because very few teenagers now are capable of dragging themselves to a university without their parents holding their hands.

pigletmania · 18/12/2013 23:11

It really depends on maturity, just because they are 14 dies not mean they can automatically travel that dstance indendently.

NonnoMum · 18/12/2013 23:12

Yes, yes, yes. Lucinda and Arabella travelled to Katmundo back in their boarding school days with only a compass, some bic biros and a sense of grit and determination but it doesn't really matter how far the journey IS, it matters what the journey is FOR.

OP's DP going to pick her up, and doing so happily, would give her a greater message of security, appreciation and belonging than the independence and resilience gained from travelling solo.

Merry Christmas, one and all...

MerryFuckingChristmas · 18/12/2013 23:13

I gotta agree with NM Smile

DrCoconut · 18/12/2013 23:14

I wasn't allowed on public transport unsupervised at 14. No way would my mum ever have let me travel out of town alone, or even across town. I was 18 and going to university interviews when I first travelled without someone with me. I had been on the train sometimes with family so knew what to do. As for my own kids, DS1 is 15 but has SN and never goes anywhere alone and DS2 is only 2 but would love to wander off alone given chance

Iamsparklyknickers · 18/12/2013 23:15

Friday was that a 14 and 16 year old together? Because I find that perfectly acceptable - it's the safety in numbers I think!

I admit I'm struggling - I'm working off nothing but gut feeling. I know at 14 I would have been fine, but had friends who wouldn't have coped. Same with the mix of teenagers I know now.

NigellasDealer · 18/12/2013 23:16

anyway in this case while i am all for independence etc i agree with nonnomum

mynewpassion · 18/12/2013 23:17

I think it would be a great idea for him to pick her up this time. On the way back, they take the train. Next time, he takes the train with her coming to his house and she takes it back alone. I don't think that she should always take the train to yours and back. Your DH should use some of this time to spend time with his DD one-on-one. They might not get much of chance when she comes there.

One way, he picks her up via train or car, one way she goes by train alone. Coming or going doesn't matter.

All assuming that her mother is willing to meet her and drop her off at the train station. If the contact order states that he has to pick her up at her house, will he need to go back and get that changed.

sooperdooper · 18/12/2013 23:18

Nonno it'd be worth you taking the time up actually read the thread rather than jump in with a whole bunch of wild assumptions :)

willyoulistentome · 18/12/2013 23:19

My brothers used to cycle 4 miles to the nearest stationthen get the train 40 mins into London to get to their school. At age 11... In the 80s.

14 is definitely old enough to catch public transport.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 18/12/2013 23:20

In the 30's they used to send children up chimneys Wink

NigellasDealer · 18/12/2013 23:21

it is all v well coming out with these anecdotes about what so and so did to get to school bak in the day, but it isn't really the point.

sausagefortea · 18/12/2013 23:21

If he had to fight to have access in the first place is it really worth upsetting the applecart with his dd and her mum? I think it could come across like his dd isn't worth the bother of picking up. I know that's not what you're saying at all but in a 14yo mind it might be construed that way. Like someone else said give it a couple of years and it'll be less likely to cause friction. I think if your DH finds the drive too much for one day he'd be better staying over somewhere or getting the train.

MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 18/12/2013 23:22

I do think that there are some 14yr olds who would not manage this journey, but I actually think that my 11yr old would probably manage it.

We've already started talking about her travelling down to London (from Scotland) to visit friends. Not quite yet, but in a couple of years, I could see this happening.

mymatemax · 18/12/2013 23:24

its not the travel, they need to know what to do if something out of the ordinary happens, what if the train breaks down & they are diverted/sent a different route.
As long as she is confident enough to cope with the unexpected then fine!

friday16 · 18/12/2013 23:24

I wasn't allowed on public transport unsupervised at 14. No way would my mum ever have let me travel out of town alone, or even across town.

But that's the stuff of over-protective mothers with issues, right?

You realise quite a lot of people go to school on public transport, right?

Tapiocapearl · 18/12/2013 23:26

At 14 you could put her on a train at one end, then meet her at the other end as long as no changes were involved.

SilverApples · 18/12/2013 23:28

'You realise quite a lot of people go to school on public transport, right?'

Yes, in enormous squealing and roaring packs, united by a uniform and a destination.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 18/12/2013 23:28

it may be the "stuff of overprotective mothers" but would such disparagement of what has gone before make it A-ok to put a 14yo in a situation that makes them nervous and unsupported ? Just to prove a point that some other random teenager can and has done this ?

I don't give a stuff what other kids do/have done, tbh.

OP still hasn't confirmed or denied whether this girl is a seasoned train traveller

I think that is the crux of this thread, but she seems strangely reticent on that one salient point